I thought about you today
I know it's not right, but you were in my mind
Swirling, encircling thoughts of the past
Wishing you were competing with us
In some absurd way
I missed you
It didn't feel complete
At that place, with those people, during our last year
I felt like you were missing something important by not being there
I remember feeling so dizzy
When we spoke there
Only a year ago
It felt so comforting that we were on good terms
And only a year ago
I wanted to be your friend
But somewhere inside of me, I always knew
That was a delusional dream, a futile attempt
"We can be friends" at departure always means
"I'd rather not talk to you, but only make awkward sideways glances at you and pretend you don't exist"

We both knew
Being friends
Was never possible
But perhaps you knew
Perhaps you read my poems
Before that moment
And knew how I felt about you
All along
And saw my furiously scribbling in my journal
*Maybe you knew I was writing about you