We decided to offer a non-event
For it hadn’t been done before,
We ordered a super, over-sized tent
And the grass to grow on the floor,
But the tent was cancelled the day it came
And the grass returned to the man,
For who ever heard of a non-event
That ever ran strictly to plan?

There are music events, and party events,
And horsey events, equine,
Racing events and crazy events
And lazy events, sublime.
There’s events to do most anything
Which is why I thought it true,
That the most exciting event of the year
Would be one with nothing to do.

We’d offer an awesome Rock event
With a band who wouldn’t be there,
And a totally gratis haircut, meant
For the men without any hair.
A skin tattoo for the motley crew
That we know as **** and tatts,
Then tell them the ink was really glue
For manufacturing hats.

The roads would be blocked for an hour or less
With the cars that never came,
We’d put the non-event posters up
They could read them all in vain.
I hear we’re up for a Nobel Prize
For giving it up on Lent,
That one and only, never to come see
World Class Non-Event!

David Lewis Paget