You were inside her just like they were inside of me. Were you inside my mum, too? Were you inside of me? Too many holes in my memory to know, too many gaps, too much haze, and maybe the haziness is better (I'd like to think the haziness is better) but the question won't leave me alone Were you inside of me?
I know you watched them undress and I know you watched them bathe hiding in the closet like a wraith and a shadow peering through the holes you made in the doors and peering through the holes you made in your mind; it makes me wonder how you justified your heart beating when it pounded in your ears to remind you of your life how you justified your lungs breathing when even your breath was a lie how you justified your brain ticking when it housed all those filthy things for years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years .
I let you watch me swim, didn't suspect you for a second. Makes me wonder if you laughed to know I didn't know or if you cried to wonder if I knew or if you ever cried for the lives you broke or if you even cared at all. I let you watch me swim-- sliding through the liquid the cool on my skin the air popping in my lungs the hot blood in my chest and in my legs experiencing my body the joy in my head the drops in my hair such an intimate experience to have with myself
and I let you watch not knowing what you did years ago. Never thought I'd wonder if you did it to me.