You were inside her
just like they were inside of me.
Were you inside my mum, too?
Were you inside of me?
Too many holes in my memory to know,
too many gaps, too much haze,
and maybe the haziness is better
(I'd like to think the haziness is better)
but the question won't leave me alone
Were you inside of me?
I know you watched them undress
and I know you watched them bathe
hiding in the closet like a wraith and a shadow
peering through the holes you made in the doors
and peering through the holes you made in your mind;
it makes me wonder how you justified your heart beating
when it pounded in your ears to remind you of your life
how you justified your lungs breathing
when even your breath was a lie
how you justified your brain ticking
when it housed all those filthy things
for years and years and years and years and years
and years and years and years
and years and years
and
years
.
I let you watch me swim,
didn't suspect you for a second.
Makes me wonder if you laughed
to know I didn't know
or if you cried
to wonder if I knew
or if you ever cried for the lives you broke
or if you even cared at all.
I let you watch me swim--
sliding through the liquid
the cool on my skin
the air popping in my lungs
the hot blood in my chest
and in my legs
experiencing my body
the joy in my head
the drops in my hair
such an intimate experience
to have with myself
and I let you watch
not knowing what you did years ago.
Never thought I'd wonder
if you did it to me.