It seems to me now that I've outgrown you. Perhaps even, I've outgrown my former self. I remember the last time I saw you, the way I could look into your eyes and I see my world. In you, I found everything that meant anything to me. Sometimes I miss that feeling because it was comfort the likes of which I’d never known. But usually, I look back with a hint of bemused sadness on how blind and immature we were. There is enough separation that I can laugh about it now. I can laugh at all my fantasies of love and life and how each was supposed to work.
            I laugh when I remember thinking, "This is it, I've done it. I’ve finally found a purpose and a future for my life. It has to be her." My God, I knew so little. What knowledge did I have of the real world? I was a freshman in college coming from a sheltered youth, hopped up on testosterone and dreams of love. I had dreamt of it, what it might feel like, taste like, hurt like. But they were idealized dreams without any supporting material besides sonnets and the inescapable loneliness that caused me to fall into the well of my mind.
            The part that hurt was that I found those dreams in you. Everything that I had ever imagined or wanted, every scenario I'd mashed into a stained poem, I had it with you. I know I said so, but perhaps you never realized that you truly and literally were a dream come true for me. You went from a stranger to my all and everything in the blink of an eye. I know that to be my mistake, I know that it was foolish, but how can a person such as I resist seizing a dream when it stands before them, especially a dream as tantalizing and intriguing as you were at the time? I no longer blame myself for the way it all happened. I understand why I did it, and I have no regrets to lose sleep over.

            When I fell in love with you, you were infinite. The deeper I probed into your mind and your heart the more I would find, going on forever until I believed you limitless. You were the epitome of all that I wanted, and more. Sometimes I miss that wonderment and admiration because I was never bored, you were a constant mystery that my idly wasted mind just loved to unravel. For the longest time I believed you to be this amazing person with hopes and dreams that would rival mine, even more is that I believed you acted on them as I do.
            Sometime after we ended, somewhere in the middle of the healing process, I realized just how blinding love could be. I saw you in a different light then, one in which I wasn't blinded by all of the frills and little details that had taken up far too much of my attention. For the first time, I witnessed your actions in the third person and was finally able to be objective in my observation. I saw you for who you were, all of your fears and insecurity, lack of understanding, and the terror you have of the world. I saw in you the flaws corresponding to my greatest strengths.

            Naturally, I saw your flaws far, far before I could see mine. But now, enough time has passed that I can see myself for who I was then. I see how foolish I was to believe that you were the answer to the questions I focused my life around. I was young enough to let myself slide into the wild, blinding passage of young love, but old enough to be serious. I wasn't strong enough to let you go when I should have, not wise enough to know why I should, and not quick enough to save us when I didn’t. I was a foolish kid with a head full of dreams and a heart intoxicated with your drug. I see that now.

            I think I have outgrown both you and my former self. I have come light-years from where I was then, with countless more to go. The thing is, you haven't progressed at the rate that I have. You seem to be stuck, struggling with the same fears and insecurities and inexperience that drug you down before. Why didn't you mature with me? I have wished for months now that you might come along, find something else inside yourself that you could pull out and intrigue me with, yet again. I must admit, I want to fall in love with you again, but not the version of you I knew before. I want the version that is refined, just as alive and vibrant as before, but with a little bit of experience to take the edge off of your blinding fear. But no, it seems this version of you still does not exist. You are still trying to figure out who you are and where you belong in this beautiful world that has been nothing but generous and kind to you. I watch you bounce from place to place, searching for something that makes you feel safe and as though you are making progress. Progress towards what, I still think you don't know.
            I honestly hope you find what you are looking for and manage to create that better version of you. I hope you learn about who you are and what you want with your life. Until then, the thought will be there, sequestered away into a tiny cell in the back of my mind. I look forward to meeting the new you someday.

Come find me when you are done.