How many more times will circumstances make a mockery of me?
Drop a guy into my life who, on paper, should be just right for me.
Check marks in each box down the hypothetical list.
Allow me to like him and go on a few dates, only to realize
that I'm not sure he's what I really wanted.
That I'm not sure I want him as much as he wants me.
To let doubt drip into my heart, and seep into my every thought.
Until I'm convinced that I'm leading him on and trapped
into telling him that we should just be friends.
I cringe and collapse in on my self loathing.  
How could I do this to someone?
How dare I try a few dates and be wicked enough
to be honest about how I feel?
I never wanted to hurt you.  I never want to hurt anyone.
Ever.
But how am I supposed to fall for someone whom I feel
is constantly trying, straining, to be what I want?
When I'm not even sure what I want, or who I want, in the first place?....