why?

you are so ridiculous. you think i ******* leave you purposely? you try living in my ******* world for once. most of the time when you text me, im in TEARS.
1. i have asked for honesty
2. i have asked for being straight up
3. i have been here for you
4. i have calmed you down
5. i have saved you some times
6. i have always answered you when i was capable of doing so
7. i have stayed up with you
8. i have cried with you
9. i have bled for you
10. i have panicked for you
11. i have ******* worried countless of days and nights hoping you were okay
12. i have talked you out of ****
13. i have called you numerous times to make sure you were okay
14. i have been honest with you
15. i have ******* been there for you when you werent even here for me
16. i have exhausted all of my ******* energy into you
17. i have told you to wear your seatbelt bc somebody loves you
18. i have gotten in trouble for you
19. i had my hopes up for you to come here and you never did
20. i have asked nicely and REPEATEDLY for nicole to get the **** out of this
21. i have done SO MUCH FOR YOU. And this is the **** i get. this is the ****. this ******* list can go on for HOURS. i have BEGGED you to love me. i have BEGGED you to comfort me. to listen to me. to trust me. to be HONEST with me. im laughing because i guess i just wasnt ******* enough for you. i was not ******* enough. you know, i would have ******* died for you. and i guess in a lot of ways i did.

so dont you ******* dare tell me that im not trustworthy because i have been here for you since day one. and you have the nerve. and dont turn this **** on me when you're the one who turns your back and blames me for the **** you do.

why couldnt you cut her out of your life in the dating way? that is all i have ever asked for. and you know that. you know just as much as everyone else that i knew you were lying when you said you weren't with her. do you know how many nights i spent trying to drown myself or cut myself or swallow pills JUST because you told me you were killing yourself? i DESTROYED my insides for you. i destroyed my social attitude because you were all i focused on. you you you you. always you.
"is he okay? where is he? is he eating? is he sleeping? is he breathing??"

you. it was always ******* you. i lost friends over you. i lost my sanity over you. i went insane looking for you among the faces i saw daily. every ******* time we went somewhere i would look at all the houses and say to my dad driving our car "is he here? what about that house? dad pull over i think i saw someone who looks like him".

you know what. i just cant do this anymore. i have been here and there and this has happened and that has happened and the list just goes on and on. obviously she is hella important otherwise you would not be arguing with me right now. you would accept that you ****** up and move on. but yet you continue to fight me when we we both know you were wrong. you should have left her. i dont care if y'all are dating or not. **** happens. im okay with that. im just done showing that I care because once AGAIN, it all.goes.to.****.

im done fighting the same losing battle with you. you're bio. her bio. your life. her life. your relationship. her relationship. dont i matter? dont i count? where do i come in? yeah we had a good ******* time. but i died for you in so many ways. i really did. and you were so oblivious to it. i looked at you like you put the stars in my sky. now my sky is dark. there is nothing left and it is a shame. because im not happy. and neither are you. we never work out. we always fight. we always end up hurting each other. you have her. you love her- and dont even tell me you dont. i let myself get my hopes up too often. and they all just come crashing down. but that is okay.

because i know what we are,
and i know what we are not.

{m.j.}