I hear daddy issues
is what they're calling it nowadays
the unexplainable flinching upon
slamming doors and voices at a decible level
just high enough
to make your chest tremble

daddy issues?
it wasn't that I didn't have a father
because I did
I do
except there's an undeniable difference
between the two
between being seven
and seventeen
between ice cream and bottles of whiskey

maybe it was the drinking that drew you away
but I wasn't the same as the other girls my age
who drank themselves insensible
for no apparent reason
every other weekend

no,

rather I drank myself
into a comfortable state of amnesia
where I could no longer remember
his hands or his lips or the smile
that reminded me
I was weak and in love
I drank until I could no longer remember
that I loved with a love
that was not returned in full
or at all

you drank on sunday
when I would tote my atrocity of luggage around the hall and down the staircase
throwing it in your face
that I was leaving

it wasn't intentional

daddy issues
we haven't spoken in months
I can't remember the last time
I heard you say the words
and it hurts too much to try
and imagine it
myself
it feels fabricated and forced
it sounds like slamming doors
and roaring voices

daddy issues
I always loved you more