Jan 2015
I know I spend too much time trying to fix people who don't care about me. I know it's probably because I started this endless cycle with you and you left and I have no idea if ruining myself fixed you or if you even care about anyone I don't know if it was worth it but now I can't stop helping people in need and it's so ****** up because the people I help don't ask for it; I promise myself I'll fix them. And if I succeed, I know, I know, they're not supposed to thank me because they never asked. I did it for me. I did it because I know how ****** up this place is. I know, I know, but i can't help it, because I see you in every broken person's tears, I see you in the people that are destroying the people I am trying to fix, you are in the blades, the pills, the yelling. You are in the lies, oh the lies. I can't tell if you lied to me about half of your past or all of it. I can't tell anymore. We haven't talked in a while. I message you and you don't ask how I am.
I remember the first time I made myself bleed you told me never to harm myself again or you wouldn't talk to me. Silly you, now I know you can't do that. It only makes the suicidal person more upset and likely to do so. See what I mean? I hope through fixing all these people, somehow seeing a smile on their face after years might accidentally fix me too. It's not working but it's the only thing that doesn't make me wanna **** myself.
in a way, helping other people is the only thing I don't see you in, because I can never see you hugging a crying stranger in the bathrooms, I can never see you lending your jacket to someone because they can't have everyone at school seeing their scars, I can never see you offer your lunch to someone who's already eaten but still is hungry. I can never see you promise yourself that you will fix this person even if it's the last thing you will ******* do, arms scarred and blood polluted with nicotine, dark bags under your eyes and shaky hands. I can never see you cry over someone else's pain. I can never see you dialing her number because you know she's taken those pills. I can never see you be even slightly human. I don't believe attraction in the opposite is true, so how the hell am i still in love with you?
I remember the first time I made myself bleed you told me never to harm myself again or you wouldn't talk to me. Silly you, now I know you can't do that. It only makes the suicidal person more upset and likely to do so. See what I mean? I hope through fixing all these people, somehow seeing a smile on their face after years might accidentally fix me too. It's not working but it's the only thing that doesn't make me wanna **** myself.
in a way, helping other people is the only thing I don't see you in, because I can never see you hugging a crying stranger in the bathrooms, I can never see you lending your jacket to someone because they can't have everyone at school seeing their scars, I can never see you offer your lunch to someone who's already eaten but still is hungry. I can never see you promise yourself that you will fix this person even if it's the last thing you will ******* do, arms scarred and blood polluted with nicotine, dark bags under your eyes and shaky hands. I can never see you cry over someone else's pain. I can never see you dialing her number because you know she's taken those pills. I can never see you be even slightly human. I don't believe attraction in the opposite is true, so how the hell am i still in love with you?
