Dear you;
A year ago yesterday we met. Over 10 months we became as close as any two people can get. Sure, we had our fights, but didn't you know that I loved you? It breaks my heart to think about you now. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? I was trying so hard to show you that I loved you. That I didn't want to live without you. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. My pride stood in my way. After watching you walk away time and time again, I didn't want to get hurt. Instead I saw you get hurt. Not by me but by yourself. What were you thinking as you popped those pills? Did you know that it was going to end everything? I want you to know that I think about you every day. You haunt me, because I blame myself. No matter how many different people tell me in different ways that it's not my fault I believe that it is. It hurts to even consider the fact that if I had been a little nicer, if I had made a little more time for you. You would still be here. Having to watch your mother cry while they put your body in the ground killed me. It hurt my heart. No mother should ever out-live their child. How did I not know that the pain was getting this bad? I was supposed to be your best friend, your girlfriend, your everything. We were supposed to be inseparable. But we weren't. Truth is we barely talked anymore, we were growing apart, we were so close to breaking up. I haven't told anyone that. It makes me feel guilty. My friends know- but your parents- why cause them any more grief? The pain of losing you was enough. Not just for them, but for me. I was angry at you for awhile. Thinking you were selfish, to want to end your life so badly no matter how it would effect anyone else. But what I see now is that truly I was the selfish one. I'm sorry. I am. I wish I would've seen it coming. I wish I would've done something differently. I wish you were still here. I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could stop crying. I wish you weren't dead.
Love always,
Stephanie.