At a very small age, much too young to know what a true love felt like, I learned that I’d never be the special girl in your life. I could see from the distance already wedged between us that there would always be a much larger section of your heart that I’d never be good enough to fill. I was only a very small part of your world, taking up a tiny section of your heart like a sliver wedged deep inside the membrane of your greatest *****; like a paper cut to the side of your finger; so small just to push aside but too much pain to forget completely. I was the mistake you were trying to move on from, to put behind you, to forget about me as if I never existed. Even from a modest age, I knew how to long after a man who barely knew that I belonged to him. You were out of my league; in a total different game. I could hang on to someone like they were the air I needed inside my lungs to breathe. But you only ever wanted to be let go. Oxygen is nothing that I’ll ever be able to touch. You taught me what it meant to be temporary before I would ever know what commitment was and I learned soon enough that they didn’t mean the same thing.
I tried and I tried and I tried to be your girl. I experienced my first broken heart when you asked her to marry you. We never had a relationship but she became the wedge between our potential friendship. I learned what heartbreak felt like by a man who said he loved me but had the strangest way of showing it. I learned that actions spoke louder than words but sometimes actions didn’t speak at all. I learned to never believe the truth because you’d taught me how good a lie felt within my ears; like the harmony of an orchestra whose conductor was blind to the instruments being played in front of him. We’ve never known harmony; always out of tune, I hated the sound of music. I loved fairytales but hated Cinderella and the reality that she brought to my life. Blood wasn’t thicker; It meant nothing to be related biologically when romantic love came into play. From a young age, I learned the world was a cruel and unfair place and I had to fight from my corner of the ring by myself. I learned what favoritism meant and not because you chose me. I learned temporary, but never knew commitment. The ratio of lies to truths was far greater. After knowing distance, I knew how to be cautious. After you broke my heart, I learned hate. I knew how it felt to hate before I would ever know how to love. I knew it like the back of my hand; more than I could ever know you.
But it’s time I taught myself something so I’m learning forgiveness. I forgive you, for not knowing what it means to be a father. I forgive you for never choosing me and for always picking her. I tried and I tried and I tried to be daddy’s girl, but you never allowed me that privilege and your heart was never large enough for both of us, so I forgive you for loving her more; I forgive you for being my dad.
this feels so good to get out of my head; literally feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest.