it used to be because I had family problems
and I had witnessed so much lack of love
between my parents

it used to be because I was so stressed in school
i had mental breakdowns in front of my desk
because I couldn't answer #2

it used to be because I felt nobody understand me
everybody else was happy and good
and i didn't want to ruin the mood

it used to be because I replaced tears with heavy breathing
and clenching fists
"take a deep breath! take a deep breath!" they yell
but i just couldn't hear

it used to be because I thought I didn't deserve happiness
i was *****, i am in the wrong
and i couldn't be happy for anybody else

it used to be because of a lot of things, but i've already learn. it used to be because of so many things. so many things used to bother my sleep and my mind. there used to be so many demons on my shoulders. there used to be nothing else but pain. and i wish i was exaggerating but it's real and it's mine and i can't control it. but i already learned to be happy

so please please tell me this is temporary i don't want to revisit the darkness again please somebody tell me this drowning feeling and shifting moods are nothing i dont want this i dont want to live in fear of everything i dont want to push other people away i dont want my nightmares to eat me in the morning and my dreams to haunt me in my sleep

i've already been there. so please don't give me another reason to relive it