When I was twelve years old
I learned the difference between consent and cohesion
Cohesion is consent after being pushed to say yes
Only giving permission when you feel like you have a gun to your head
And consent is a mutual agreement
For years I fought off his advancing hands
Greedily grasping for any part of flesh
Pleading him to stop
Forcing him to stop.
He beat the word stop so far into me
I grew silent.
Eventually I was pleading for his fingers to trace my thighs
I felt content in his pleasure
“If you loved me you’d do it” echoed through my skull.
He taught me that love means always saying yes
I did it. Every time.
Years later
After falling in love for the first time
The word no was buried so deep in myself
The word please seemed as sweet as chocolate
But when he kissed me, he stuck his tongue down my throat.  
I didn't stop him.
Simply wiped away his spit when he was done
This was the beginning of a relationship I would pump out give and give and give until I had nothing left
Because that was the only way I knew how to show him I truly loved him. I learned to find pleasure in between his gasps.
Grow aroused at his satisfaction.
I learned how to grow silent,
Hoping that he would see the discomfort in my eyes and just
Stop.