My therapists asks if I have ever tried getting out of my comfort zone,
When she says comfort zone she imagines me talking to complete strangers, traveling the world, becoming a trapeze artist.
When I hear comfort zone I think of getting up in the morning, performing in drama class, staying after school to talk with my teachers, catching a cup of coffee with a friend.
You see, my counselor thinks that adventure is the cure of all heartache.
How could I have the energy for adventure when I can barely get out of bed?
I want to tell her
“Going out with friends in my mind is the equivalent of running a marathon in yours.
I’m exhausted.
Social anxiety is a constant demon strapped to my back.
I am constantly paranoid in public that I am the topic on everyone's tongue.
Even a simple phone call makes my voice tremble so badly the other line struggles to understand.
Even looking in the mirror is out of my comfort zone.
Do you have any idea what it is like to hate yourself so much that you don't feel worthy of going out in public?
To feel like you came out of the womb with defects
You see, riding a bull to you is answering a question in front of the the class
Speaking in front of people to me is skydiving.
My words are never good enough,
My voice shakes
I dont need to be thousands of feet in the air free falling towards the earth to feel this rush of adrenaline.
I can stand up here and feel just as much if not more.
So yes. I have thought about escaping my comfort zone.
I do it every day.