There is an unsettling pain
that has taken root deep within the fibers of my being.
A nervous ache that comes and goes
just as you do.

The fear of taking my next step forward has rendered me defenseless to my own devices and I find myself unable to sleep in fear
that some self created form of you will visit me as I try to unconsciously push you out.

Sometimes I feel as though there is no end to this constant whirlwind of barbed wire feelings that encapsulate themselves inside of my heart and mind.

I still long for the smooth touch of the fingers that showed me what it meant to feel whole again.
I do not want this to become a vice.
An impasse between heart and mind
Wherein I leave behind the very essence of myself that made it possible to survive in a world where I can’t feel you.

The passage of time only signifies and solidifies the fact that I should break these urgent fingers while I can still run and hide