Attempting to research healing herbs,
I can't forget your words
Or shake this feeling of self destructive hate.

You told me to accept me,
But I met that angrily
Wondering why my passions less than yours?

Was it you or I to start? Which one had a change of heart? Did I deny the importance of our origin?

When will I forget my ****?
Leave it out there in the pit?
Bending back all my silver spoons..

All they say is: "yeah real cute."
Actions, words, and ideals moot.
It's why I second guessing to this day...

Sat back and just waited still
Spared me of the etox pill
Gave me space to let me find myself.

Outer space ain't big enough,
So you're back to actin' tough
And I seem to meet it all with a big
"*******!"

A dandelion punk,
A ******* ****.
PMA* is all I need.
I'll unearth the roots one day,
Until then, bye.

A note to my students: I'm a little bit sorry at times because our relationship is strained. I love you but I have to take care of you, have to push you, have to enforce the rules.

I would take you in and have a party for you but then you usually end up making a mess.

I'm sorry she is mean to you sometimes. I'm sorry he's not around.

You can come live in my brain and things will be okay there. We can eat poprocks for lunch and sing Christmas carols. I'll teach you how to read and tie your shoes.

I'll sing every song you ever wanted to hear, only if we can stay safe forever. We will skateboard and play cards, chew gum and play hopscotch.
You'll never have to say the word "miss" nor will you have to feel it.

We will speak only our language. We will tap into your fears and your obstacles. Then we'll kick them outta town, like every one who's ever hurt you.

We'll stay 5 and 24 forever but learn so much as we go.
You might forget me, but I won't forget you.

A blanket for you, please cover yourself.
It took so many knots to bring it together.
Now I'm stuck sleeping underneath it, feeling like I cant remember anything but dreams.
It's been in my closet anyways, next to my dying kombucha mother.
They're out of sight, so they are out of mind.
Thank you, I love you but that's only because I know half of you.
I feel better at your house because I have no attachments to your person.
I had one but he has fled now.
Thank you for the blanket Becky, maybe I forgot to tell you.

Year after year
The same thing happens
On your birthday
Blue
Pink
Disgust

I gotta tell you not to miss those times cause we'll be missing our whole lives. If you gain deep sadness for the past it's sometimes greeted with sharp knives.
Like when I learned of **** at native boarding schools or watched a peaceful protest met with fists.
I'm not sure if I should **** myself or grow extremely ******.
I'm paralyzed with grief but need to turn it into action.
I feel as though I've been caught in a great illusion of greed and satisfaction. When distance is measured in numbers, it seems so far away.
But all this **** is here and now, it's happening each day.
Where should I really point the gun and when will I be trialed?
Long before the man who bluffed about abusing his wife and child. Where's the real justice here? In this backwards, ****** up place?
We're forced into such confines due to our gender and race.
Today is the day I break the chains, I think I'm going to snap.
No one's safe until you get out, until then it's all a trap.

It felt like the last time that I would ever experience this again
so of course, I missed it before it even ended
My grandfather sat in the passenger seat
saying he hoped he made it to his sixtieth anniversary
no turning back now, dad
said my own father
we won't live forever my grandfather said
my uncle to my right talked of a man freezing himself
he was coerced he was coerced
he told us, as if it was such a bad thing to be frozen
your brain cells multiply though
don't give her any more ideas
star wars got its ideas from star trek
I will never be this young again
I may never hear these words again
It was a nice time though, just to be

They try to tell me....
because I'm depressed I've got a disease
that there's no one else out there who feels quite like me
that I'm at fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve
these transitional times should just come with ease
But.......
how can you expect me to believe
when we live in a world that neglects history
who puts life behind titles and paid salary
that puts you down if you act or think differently
It's just......
things aren't so great within our own family
we've made want out-weigh personal responsibility
made wars with ourselves because of society
made wars with ourselves because of supremacy
I feel........
like I don't want to commit to this fatality
that the pressure is on to become what they want me to be
that I can't do it because of lack of diplomacy
because of my desire to aid those in poverty
but they say......
**** like that is never going to get you anywhere, honestly
that you should do what gives you the greatest lump sum of money
forget about the low lives, they've chosen their destiny
you have the choice now to become your own entity
But I say...
I know that we all aren't so far from one identity
that we could unite in our sadness and stop living so separately
that there is a way in which we can think optimistically
it just calls for a revolt, something to change drastically

My friend has these eyes
flecks of gold hold vast to her pupils
sorrow is magnified in them
as she looks at the gray world

My friend has these eyes
they see color in small things
create masterpieces when she focuses them
but disregard the true beauty they see in the mirror

My friend has these eyes
I wish she could trade with my own
so she could see her eyes the way I see them
and understand what looking into them is like

My friend has these eyes
I know not what mysteries they have seen
know not the acuteness of their vision
nor the times they have bathed in a sea of saltwater tears

My friend, you have eyes so why can't you see?
The beauty that surrounds the emotion you project
onto the world?Good, bad, and despairing

well the memory has let me down once more
there I stood, in front of my t.v. in a bath robe and bunny slippers
spit bubbles forming on my lower lip
I kept hitting the same button over and over
"where the hell are the controls for this thing" my body yells as my hand waves from my mouth to my pocket
now it's all black and white
so I guarantee I have stayed up too long
"I have control, I have control"
I hum over and over as I hold the remote
Someones out of batteries
"This guy"

Those words that were coined as a cliche mean more than we shall ever guess.
We need not understand them until the adrenaline wears off like the lipstick of a pale moon's night.
Change becomes so inert, it feels as though we are watching Neptune orbit the sun.
We tie a knot and leap.
Days and nights pass in a tangle
Such as a tumbleweed hitting our tire on a warm desert car ride.
The peaks and valleys we ride create a rhythm that plays to the metronome of the heart.
They can make us sick some times,
While other times we can't help but stare in amazement at such imperfectly beautiful things.
I wish I could take it all with me:
The land, the sky, the scent
I never want to face myself again because of where I ventured to before it all.
I find myself high up on a mountain, hearing the memories of the earth as well as the memories my own spherical entities have held and let go, all at the same time.
As I make my way down from the peak to another valley, I realise I do not have enough room to hold such masterpieces..within my frontal lobe or my backseat window.
For I am not alone. I began this journey as a we.
However what I took from it all was specifically mine.
We are united in our separateness.
With each scene passing us by, we notify ourselves change has set in. Maybe not all together outwardly but intermittently internally.
The first cut is the deepest and although we are attuned to what's going on in our outside world, our inner world has already began rebuilding itself without us even acknowledging it.
It may take reading a list of cliches on a mountain for us to  the recognize the small change, but it is there, like an unforeseen star in the night
sky.

And on that cold day I saw a rainbow lit by artificial light
inside a ******* box that was more of an octagon then a rectangle
a little cherubim in suspenders drooled all over the color
his spit turned to cement and the colors were stuck in an overlapping pile
I couldn't figure out what it meant as I pressed my head against the cold car window
the only thing I knew was that I was not feeling anything at all
words escaped my trap door
but they would only resignate when someone would react to them
I found the answer  on the return ride home
after a night of sloppily shuffling through a room
where faces melted because of how hard they work
it was a waning crescent smiling back at me in it's mysterious way
I was once again in a ******* box
one with four sides this time
"I would tell you the answer, but I don't know anything"
that's just it then
there is no answer inside these ******* box frames
but there are colors
boy, are there colors

A shiny gem lending its sparkling edges to the world
all shall look
some may praise it
others will believe in it
then there are some that will over look it
some that may crush it with their apathetic boots
effect is nothing anticipatory
the rocks all landed where they may
there is not much of a past or future
only the present shine
a reflection of a collection of molecules
an absorption of certain colors
a solid produced by the earth
its just a gem stone, lending it's shine to the world
(or the world lending its shine to the gemstone)

Grieving is a word that invokes many thoughts. It is similar to grave, one has dug for themselves or one that another is lowered into. Commence: the place and time of grieving. Along with it there comes a muted gray feeling. Like you cannot breathe in the air because it is ridden with smog and toxins that allow only shallow gasps. It is heavy and it is surrounding. Then comes the catalyst for the action. It is a loss, it is a hole, it is something that once was but now ceases. Then once it has gone, we find ourselves alone with our thoughts again. Can grieving occur over something that has yet to happen? I think it must be something that is done post and not pre. The loss can minuscule or grand, there are spectrums present in just about everything. The loss could be of a personality trait or of running water. It could be the loss of a friendship or loss of land. I had the pleasure of driving through the mountains recently, and I found that the mountains are grieving. There are faces resting in the rock, saddened by the diminishing countryside.  tbc

nearer to beauty
genuine waves
sunset like a whole in the sky
so many faces pass you by
coming and going
sinking and swelling
like the crash of the sea on the shore
noise is never telling you why
birds of the land
plants of the bird
a line drawn that is never satisfied going straight
change is always in our fate
the moments we have will fade faster than a thumb nail scratch
but the scab remains a while
reminding of what once was felt
what once remained
split ends tell of how the roots are never recovered given new location
the shadows are always there to prove real
that is the only proof we have sometimes
history sold for half of its face value
even if you heard it
it doesn't make it true
black and white overcomes you
we reach and reach for something higher and higher
the sky is so big and should tell us what we need to hear
but the sky has seen everything and can not be just what we want
it will be what it is and nothing more
we will interpret it how we will
look at the sea as if its never been touched by an oil spill
everything is ours and now we must decide
will we allow it to be us
because it has already allowed us to be it

This fish bowl I'm in
I am a speck on the bottom of it: I am gullible
Mom tells me I'm special: That's not true
It was all a ******* lie
papers I produce are mediocre
comparatively:  I  don't do jack ****
they make art: speak beautiful words
compose music: research human trafficking
discuss what the person is: what god is or isn't
look into the depths of what it is to be alive
configure ways to improve their environment
discover and decode molecular diffusion
unearth social constructionism
link biomechanics to psychological transfer
is this wall red?
do you think it is red?
is this vein blue?
do you know why it is blue?
is this cup green?
do you care about being green?
is this person yellow?
how is this a historical conflict to be yellow?
is this plaster white?
how can we transform the white?
That's right, now everybody go change the world
dive down to the depths of human evil
your letter of recommendation will get you
real
deep
however I,
I will not even get past the glass
the bowl is too shallow
I figured out bull ******* a long time ago
but not well enough to understand things
It was more one of those move your fins
and then some how you will be able to breathe
That's what happens when you spend too  much
time
inhaling the wrong things
you sink

My face must've grew today
As my mask did not want to fit.
'So nice' they say she is
But they don't really know ****.
They tell you you're one way
But you feel another
Constantly lying
For the benefit of others.
The biggest of smiles
Everyone using teeth for their mirror
What do I want?
It's always unclear.
Those wars we fought,
No one came out alive
But my card read medic
Somehow I chose to survive.
Everyone had half a mouth.
I had  only half of one too
It's hard to pick sides when blinded like that
Or hard when both sides want you.
They only needed a moment though
Her niceness was overstayed.
The others all stared with swords in their sides
Feeling as though they had been betrayed.
How can you be such a pinball?
Such a spineless, cowardice tool?
What makes you think you're  alliances to all?
What the hell are you trying to prove?
I was just wearing that mask I had once.
It was more like a helmet I guess.
I don't have a civil duty to any
I'm just trying to stay abreast.
But no one can trust a man who has no enemies.
For he stands for nothing at all.
I was dead all along in the trenches,
For the mask/helmet I had was too small.
Everyone will tell you your strengths
When it's something which they desire.
It's disgusting at best but I never act up
I know you can't fight fire with fire.
So let all the others wave the white flag
See if they can lay down their weapons.
I'm at war with myself but you all are too
One day again, we'll be friends.

He is everything they want him to be
He is a boy made of play dough
He acts as though he knows who he is
But they mold him
With their sad hands that want something to hold onto
He is only half
Bones are dense but organs are hollow
He needs someone to fill him up
Where the arrow falls and is picked up again
That's where he finds his next home
His love is never forever
but nothing can be
Maps nor closely watched compasses can lead one to him
He will be strong one day
When he finds his own mold
The one that allows him to enter into the paradox of time and space
To be strung like a bead on a wrist
To sparkle like a star in the night
To be what he wants to be
No longer breaking ties with the ones he loves
But thanking everyone for their contribution
The permanence cannot be
He knows it
He just swells and compresses too often
He cannot crack or they will know he is breakable
But he is mystery in his conspicuous way of teasing
He is self proclaimed intense
He is going to find something, anything
He is my friend
He is parallel with me
He is mouldable
He is human
He is
a masterpiece

I should have listened to the words I knew so well
The echo was placed into so many moments in my life
I was ignoring what was right in front of me
Blinded by fear and rose colored glasses
The spinning record showed it's dry sense of humor
Round and round it went
You danced to the riffs, singing each line
I must have been watching it unfold from afar
I never saw it coming

cheated by the opposite of love
held on high from up above
kept my high from the second one
kept my eye on the first one now
take these rings, stow them safe away
I'll wear them on another rainy day

I am bigger than the sound

There hasn't been enough time yet
for the cloud droplets to grow into rain drops
and fall all the way to the surface of
the Earth.
Well what can be done?
They must mature.
The cloud droplets have no concept of time
they are influenced only by the
updrafts and downdrafts
we call that entrainment.
Heavy Precipitation ensues
Cloud droplets fall toward the earth
Dissipation: precipitation lightens
Cease

That summer of what you want you have.
We walked everywhere our hearts weren't
cutting corners just to feel like kids
I wore your sweatshirt
sleeves rolled.
The gray hitting just around my legs.

Your eyes held mine for too long
as we stepped into the night.
I told you I liked your tattoo with an air
of embarrassment.
You let half of the compliment fall to the ground
while the other half fed your smirk to
full perfection.

The waves got fuzzy and far between.
Hair got longer and shorter all at once.
Button ups and bows sealed our outward appearances.

Big eyes and band tees.
Mosh pits and burritos.
Girls and boys soon to be women and men.
Front porches, steps, and ever turning wheels.

One person would be coming in the front door;
the other would be rushing out the back
with arms full of luggage
luggage containing film from times so separate but
defining to who we were.

Puking in every other sewer we had our minds in.
I would only be able to find you when you were immobile.
Screaming with arms wide open, we would feign at the
sight of others.
Placing diamonds and breaking glasses,
Your pepperonis offsetting my gumdrops .

One of four..wheels
The constellations on my face told you
where your luck might lead you.
I asked you where yours aligned one cold winter night.
I hung up the phone and tried to dull the monologue in my head.

I sat on that same front porch weeks later
bottling that same feeling of anguish
you told me how beautiful I was,
inside and out.

It was always a high dive,
never a wade.
So much to risk
So much to gain.

When you had a cast on your arm,
I poured water down your back
When you slept in my bed for the first time
I think I cried.

Held together by bandages and gum wads
rock and roll and disco
I saw you with my eyes going into the back of my head
You looked at your watch politely and kept moving.

Our lines kept crossing but never touching
One vice presented in front of another
I couldn't tell you how ****** my valentine
was for you, especially when one of us was
making lines with a razor and one of us was
making lines on a bed.

At that point I already knew how I felt but
I still had some growing to do.
No more cutting corners as I couldn't be a kid anymore.
Everything we wanted was no longer there.
The things we wanted all expired and new desires
filled our brains.

You saw so many tears from me
heard enough ******* to fill a pen.
I put my face up to just about anything
but I could never face you.
How many times did we bait our hooks
only to come up with some algae on our line.

I lost my lasagna over you
to a late night phone conversation.
Rumors split my forehead and everyone said to try.
Sand was always getting in my teeth as I worked up the courage
to finally tell you how I felt.
I blew it, mouth full of water.
In that bed where I had mumbled so many gray words before.

I was scared, as always
But you held my hand as we walked down the tracks
of your hometown and spoke of nothing.
The full moon was the only one talking
she told us how she liked our dance together
and no longer separate
Rain hit against the open windows that night
It was autumn.
I had fallen for you once, but I had fallen for you
again.

I forget too often that not everyone sees me the way I see me;
Not everyone knows there to be a bleeding heart sinking solemnly behind my ribcage
Nor the rattle that my skull makes from too many poor decisions,
The scars on my knees and legs that tab a memory of a something somewhere in the history that is mine,
The lack of lobe that inhibits my passions for specificity,
The anger that bubbles within my veins when I neglect the rose bushes I've slept in for so long,
The tuft of hair that throws itself to the wind, proving to be the small stubborn part of me,
The knowledge that has escaped me with the miles I burn on four wheels,
The physical pain that plagues my valuable parts that become less and less worth something everyday,
The weight that overcomes me sometimes when I feel myself through waves of gravity,
The form I place to my inner and outer self: nothing good, smart, or attractive.
I suppose the mirror has darkened over the years, the veil has been placed lower over my eyes so most of the view is felt through shadows that are  drawing me day in and day out, begging me to make a choice.
I suppose that it's not the way I'm perceived though,  I ought to remember.

The checks you cash will never rid your tooth of it's browned imperfections
The ounces you pour will never give your eyelids the tender kiss of sleep they so deserve
The empty words you place in everyone's ear will prove less dense than skin cells, contributing that much to your beauty
The numbers you record will not make your locks hit any further down on your shoulders
Likewise the tips you earn won't save you from your thoughts
You may be rich though;
Rich in memories
Rich in sorries
Rich in imperfections
Rich in leaves
Rich in heart
Rich in beauty
You will be taxed on your emotions and health by the universe one day
The price you put on things will affect the kind of person you aspire to become and the radiance of your soul
If you were rich enough to buy one

The depths of the sea will never know me
My mysteries are as good as hers
But I was there once
An oyster at best
Making pearls
Drowned

we are pushed out of our mothers' wombs into this cruel world
where we..
all ****
sleep
love
think
exist
*****
control only us
control only our hearts
breathe
breathe
breathe
feel
feel nothing
feel everything
create
destroy
die

We took everything off the shelf
opened each can to look inside our self
diced the onion until we had tears in our eyes
skinned the potato until the rough skin subsides
chopped the carrot so only sweetness remained;
rotten lost, flavor gained
turned the knobs to the highest setting
combined our ingredients to avoid forgetting
heated well and tried for taste
we added spices until the right ones were placed
you said you wanted a cinnamon girl
we grabbed it from the lazy Susan and gave it a whirl
it was just what we needed but we were too blind to see
I burned my tongue when you were feeding me
it still needed work but we never lost patience
we just kept trying; most things require maintenance
the finished product was reached after a while
you poured in cheese as I flashed a cornbread smile

Day time unfolds like a puddle being evaporated by the sun
We can't exactly predict when it will happen but we can feel it all around;
Outwardly, we are lifted of our bodies
As we look down, the ground begins to turn to magma
If we leave anything behind then it will surely be swallowed up by the gravity
Left without density
Left without a shadow
If neither are present then this something must not exist
How can it be felt if it can't exist
It lives on within all of us at different points of each day
We cannot know what prompts it
We cannot prepare ourselves for it
Alls we can do is recognize it and let it become a particle of the sky
Just like all the things we let go.
My anxiety comes within the sunlight
My soul is heavy in the day
The clock strikes a certain hour and it decides to rear it's ugly head;
Only to be evaporated once the sun hits the routine part of it's orbit
When dusk begins to fall, so too does my mood
The worries subside
Until I reach my peak of R.E.M. Or perhaps get stuck in a web before that
Either way, I'm one by night and another by day.

I feel my opposable thumbs
The taste of blood in my mouth
The galactic waves have swallowed us
the shock is hitting our bodies
slower and faster
all at once eyes go black

reason is no longer
instinct is our only conscious
lives are minimal
men driven by procreation;women by fear

hearts feign
claws sharpen
jaws unfurl
reality manifests;
we are all animals

I met this man named Jose
He lived in old San Juan.
He tried to get to know me.
However, I was already gone.
He tried to buy me flowers
I told him, there's no use
I felt as empty as that vase;
My petals welted from abuse.
He asked to take me dancing
I said I haven't got the time
He asked to buy me dinner
I said, I'm not worth a dime.
He claimed I was his angel
I sunk deeper into the abyss
My heart was breaking daily
As his heart became full of bliss
He didn't understand me
And I didn't understand him
I was slowly drowning
He was always ready to swim.
I pushed away his gifts
He only came back with more
I tried to hide away
He'd come knocking at my door.
He gushed of my amazement
I felt like a lead balloon
He showered me in compliments,
And promised me the moon.
I ran in such a circle that my head was in my rear
Everything was just too much,
He said, Mau Mau: we've known eachother a year.
That year has sent me low, and sent him high alike
But when it came down to it
I'm not sure who was right.
The book may have been the same
But the chapter and pages didn't align
I'm not sure why I came into his life
Or why he came into mine.
He always made me nervous
I always made him smile
He always was dramatic
I was spineless all the while.
He made my life confusing
I made his clear as day
When there are such differing views being held
There's not much more to say.
I wish him all the best
He wishes me the same
He'll never forget my light
I'll always remember his name.

As we sit here, facing a picture
Framed
It means nothing to us
The shapes all shift into blurs
A band of starry eyed kids scream below as if they've never been hurt
People smile for a second as they forget the aching pain they've felt in their veins all day
Meanwhile a small child is crying in alley
A mud pie is being cooked in the sun for supper
Tiny knots are being pulled to create a product that will be overlooked or celebrated
Or worn in a puddle through the dirt maybe on a beach

We spent several times over
The fluffy cloud nine of beertopia
Everyone fill your cup:
Knock the edge off your thought process
Numb your senses
Delve into the spirit
Forget the past
Live in the moment
Pop the tab
Cry your eyes out
We all have the terminal illness that is being human
We aren't  solving anything
We're simply making swallowing things a bit easier

Tallied gifts be given not
They're more to be forgotten
One tear
One tooth
One eye lash plucked
One wish
One chance
One night untouched
One hand
One word
One tender soul
One ear
One eye
One breath to hold
One pulse
One gaze
One brink of dawn
One meadow
One hearth
They'll all be gone
Tallied things be given not
They're only for the taking
Tallied things be counted most
When allied with the breaking

Every body play the game

What you've been dealt is what you get

That's all.