You wouldn’t ever know what it’s like,
Sitting in silence,
While they talk about fathers—
The ones who stay,
The ones who love without question.

They speak of sacrifices,
Of arms that shield and words that soothe,
Of being treated like princesses,
Given the world without needing to ask.

But me?
I can only imagine.
I’ve learned to fill the silence with smiles,
To nod along, as if I know the feeling.
But deep down,
I carry the weight of your absence.

How do you grieve for something
You’ve never truly had?
How do you explain the hollow space
Where love should have been?

You wouldn’t ever know what it’s like—
To grow up wishing for a hero,
And realizing,
You had to become your own.

What’s worse than loving you
but knowing I can’t have you?
Not the silence,
not the waiting,
not the ache that stretches across nights.

Even the stars fall quiet—
they know
there’s no sorrow deeper
than holding a love
that was never mine to keep.

You take a minute of your day to ask me, “Are you okay?”
When my whole world is falling apart.
The walls around me are caving in,
And my soul feels nothing, nothing at all.
Yet, I still want to feel something. Anything.

And you ask me, “Are you okay?”

Everyone I know has let me down.
No one makes me feel safe.
No touch gives me the warmth I need.
No one feels like home anymore.

And still, you ask me, “Are you okay?”

My mind is drowning
Thoughts crash into each other, and I can’t untangle them.
They call this overthinking,
But I’m trapped. There’s no way out.
I hate that this is how my mind works now.

And you ask me, “Are you okay?”

I’ve never felt this numb,
Yet my heart has never carried this much pain.
It’s shattered into a million pieces,
And no one could ever put them back together.

And you still ask me, “Are you okay?”

I feel so alone.
No one understands what I feel.
No one wants me here.
But I just want somebody. anybody

And you ask me, “Are you okay?”

Nothing feels right.
Everything is going wrong.
Every road looks like a dead end,
And no path feels like home.

And you still ask me, “Are you okay?”

I think I’ve always found it easier to pretend you never existed,
Like a side character in a story I barely remember,
Convincing myself that if you were never real,
Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt.

I understand—
you left when I was a child.
I understand—
you and my mother were never meant to last.
But who gave you the right to decide
That leaving meant forgetting?

Maybe I was never important enough,
Just another name lost in the shadow of your other daughters.
But tell me, was it my fault?
Was I the reason you walked away?

I hate that I don’t know you at all,
Not your birthday, not your voice, not even your favorite color.
A father—
someone meant to stand behind his daughter,
A backbone, a shelter
But I had none of that.
I lacked that.

And now, all I have is the echo of your absence,
An empty space where love should have been,
A stranger I was supposed to call father.

I didn’t mean to.
But somehow,
you became the first thought
in the morning,
the name my hands reached for
in silence.

You weren’t just someone—
you became the feeling
I couldn’t shake.

Now even in your absence,
I find myself
holding on
to what was never promised
to stay.

Do you still love me—
not the memory,
but the me who held your hand
like it meant something?

Do you still hear my name
and feel that pause
in your chest?

Because I do.
Even now.
I still feel you
in moments
you probably forgot.

So tell me—
am I still somewhere
in you?
Or have I become
someone
you had to let go?

I surprise myself sometimes—
how I get through the day
with a smile
that feels nothing like me.

They ask,
“Why are you always smiling?”

I wonder that too.

Maybe it’s easier
than explaining the mess
underneath.

Maybe pretending
feels safer
than being seen.

But when the noise fades,
when it’s just me and the dark,
the truth catches up.

And I fall apart,
quietly,
like always.

One day, I’m everything.
The next, I’m nothing.
I say the wrong thing
without knowing what it was.

Loving you
feels like guessing.

You are all fire—
fast words, loud thoughts,
feeling everything all at once.

You love like a storm,
break things just to see what survives.
You move
without thinking,
but always mean it.

I’m the stillness you crash into.
The quiet breath between your noise.
I take my time.
I watch.
I speak softly
but feel deeply.

You say I don’t show enough.
I think you show too much.
And yet—
somehow, we meet in the middle.

I calm your chaos.
You shake my stillness.
We don’t match—
but we fit.

My whole life, I’ve seen best friends
who would take a bullet for each other,
best friends who are inseparable,
best friends who drift through different circles of friends
but always find their way back to each other.

Best friends who speak in glances,
who know each other’s hearts like their own,
who, in a room full of people,
would choose each other every time.

But me?

I am the one who’s never anyone’s first choice,
The one never chosen in a room full of faces,
The one always left waiting,
Always left behind.

I am the afterthought, the spare friend,
the easily replaceable one,
the one whose presence is felt
only when everyone else is gone.

I was always an option, never a choice.

Never the first thought,
Never the last thought,
Never the thought at all.

Even if the world turns cold,
even if you push me away,
I’ll still be here—
quiet, steady,
loving you
from whatever distance
you leave me in.

I always wonder—
when I disappear from your life,
does it ache for you
the way it shatters me?

Because I tried—
to forget you,
to replace you,
to let you fade into memory.

But I keep seeing pieces of you
in people who aren’t you.
A laugh,
a look,
a way of speaking—
and I fall apart all over again.

I say I want someone like you,
but deep down,
I know—
there will never be someone
who loves me
the way you did.

We’ve already broken once—
but now I know
what your presence does to my soul.

I don’t think
I could survive
losing you
twice.

I still love you—
after every time you vanished
like silence between storms,
after every wound you named gentle,
every promise that wilted
before it touched the air.

Tell me,
how does a heart
keep bleeding
and still
call it love?

Lately, life feels like a roundabout.
I’m standing at the center,
Surrounded by exits—
None of them seem right.

Every path I take
Leads to dead ends,
Littered with obstacles
I can’t climb or move around.

Negativity fills the air,
Heavy and unrelenting.
Getting out of my comfort zone?
It doesn’t feel like an option.

Because what’s the point,
When every road just circles back
To where I began?

Maybe the problem is—
I have no destination.
No place I want to be,
No purpose to drive me forward.

Without a purpose,
There’s no motivation.
And choosing a path?
It feels like too much.

During the day,
The sunlight—
My friends
My family
Guides me, gives me strength.

But at night,
The darkness returns.
I’m lost again,
With no light to lead the way.

So here I remain,
Stuck at the center of the roundabout,
Going nowhere.

This year,
I realized the amount of people I lost,
Not to fights, not to anger—
Just distance,
Growing quietly like something fading away,
Now, we don’t talk anymore.

Was it their fault?
Or mine?
Or was it no one’s fault at all?
Maybe some stories
Are meant to end this way.

I’ve always dreamed of a friend to call mine.
Not in a strange way,
But like in the movies,
Where the main character has their person—
The one who stays
Through thick and thin.

But me?
I’ve always been the side character.
The third wheel in a trio,
The face in a crowd,
Never the one anyone chooses.

Even when surrounded by laughter,
I was alone.
I didn’t see it then,
But I do now.

There were moments, fleeting and sweet,
When I thought, I found my people.
But “my people” never lasted.

And when I thought I’d found them,
It ended—
Always faster than I imagined.
They disappeared,
Or they let me down.
No in-between.

This is how it’s always been,
And deep down,
I don’t think it’ll ever change.

I want that feeling back—
the one you only get
when you’re truly loved
by someone who chose you.

Falling asleep
knowing I was theirs,
waking up with their name
still warm in my heart.

The feeling of being protected,
even in silence.
Of knowing that no matter what fell apart,
I had someone
who would never let go of me.

I miss what it felt like
to belong to someone.
To be held,
wanted,
understood—
in the way only a partner can do.

I don’t just miss love.
I miss being loved
like that.

Our hearts carry words, and words carry meaning,
Behind every meaning, there’s a feeling,
Sometimes they heal, sometimes they wound,
Sometimes they’re spoken, sometimes buried.
Yet no matter where they linger or hide,
They shape, they matter, they cannot be denied.

Feelings create words,
Words are said, but sometimes they’re kept,
Sometimes they bring relief, sometimes they bring regret instead,
But what can we do once they’re out?

Words and feelings are always entwined,
Both can soothe, both can sting in kind.
It’s not the words alone that decide their weight,
But the tone, the moment, the meaning we create.

So how do you know what they made you feel?
Look to your heart’s quiet response – there lies what’s real.

All this time… turns out you felt the same.
I thought I was the only one hurting without your presence—
turns out you were too.
I thought I was the only one who cared, even after you left—
turns out you did too.
I thought I was the only one who wasn’t over you—
turns out you weren’t either.
I thought I was the only one who got jealous
when you mentioned other girls—
turns out you were too.
I thought I was the only one holding on to what we had—
but maybe you never really let go either.
I thought I was the only one rewriting our story in my head—
but maybe you were just as afraid
to say it out loud.
And maybe,
just maybe,
we both lost something
we still wanted to keep.

I got used to you—
your name lighting up my phone,
your voice softening the weight of days.

You became a habit
I never meant to form,
a part of me I didn’t know
how to survive without.

And then—
you left.
No goodbye. No reason. Just gone.

Now I speak to the silence
like it’s you.
I check my phone
like it’s still ours.
And I break—
a little more each day,
because loving you daily
ruined me suddenly.

You told me what we had was never going to last,
that we needed to let each other go.

Confused, lost, and heartbroken, I thought—

what could I have done to make you want to leave?

Was it me?
Was I the problem?

Was it that I cared too much—

too much to the point where you felt suffocated?

Or did you simply fall out of love with me?

I never understood.
As years went by,

you would come and then go,

ask how I was doing,
then disappear like nothing ever existed between us.

You made it seem like what we had meant nothing to you.

Is it possible you got over me that fast—

when I truly believed we were in love?
I never thought I could love someone so deeply until I met you.

I never thought I could care for anyone more than I did for you.

So how is it so easy for you to live without my presence?

Am I that easy to forget?

Is my love that easy to ignore?
Was I just a chapter,
while you were my whole book?

Was I holding on to something
you let go of long ago?
I kept every word, every touch, every moment—

you let them fade like passing days.
And even now,
when I smile in public and say I’m fine,

I wonder if you ever miss me
the way I still ache for you

in the quiet.

A question that’s been cutting through me lately—
“What changed you?”

What changed me?
I’ve walked through hell
just to keep breathing
for people who never once
looked back to see if I made it.

I gave everything
to feel like something,
only to realize
I mean nothing.

And still—
they ask me why I’ve changed.

What changed me
was being let down
by every soul I trusted.
Being the extra body in the room,
never the reason someone stayed.

Invisible.
Unheard.
Unwanted.

My words float in silence.
My actions vanish in plain sight.
And yet, they ask—
“What changed you?”

The nights did.
The ones I spent choking on tears
with no one to come home to.
No arms. No voice.
No one wondering if I made it through.

What changed me
was learning that pain doesn’t echo
when no one cares to hear it.

That numbness comes
when you scream silently
for so long,
you forget
what sound feels like.

They ask me—
“When did you change?”

I changed the day
hope became something others
took from me—
like I didn’t deserve it.
I changed
when people rested peacefully
while I wept
over promises that never meant to stay.

Or maybe—
maybe I changed
when I realized
my leaving
wouldn’t shake anyone’s world
but mine.

I tell myself—
I’m losing my mind.
Heartbroken still, after all these years.
Why does it linger, this ache,
Like a shadow I can’t outrun?

People drift,
Pulling away like waves receding,
Leaving me stranded.
Why do I break so easily now,
Over things so small?

This hurts.
It really, really hurts.

I’m surrounded by kind faces,
Voices that say they care,
Yet I’ve never felt so alone.
Is it because she’s gone—
The one I trusted most?
Or is it me,
Afraid to let the walls fall again?

I can’t even make sense of my words.
I’m that lost.
It feels like the universe itself
Has turned against me.

Maybe I deserve this.
But do I deserve this much pain?

People love to hurt me.
They leave.
For what?
Why do they find joy in my breaking?

Why am I so scared,
So anxious all the time?
Why does a room full of people
Feel like a battlefield?
Why can’t I feel normal,
Even for a moment?

Why does their presence
Tear me apart from the inside?
What is happening to me?

I don’t understand.
I don’t understand at all.

You always left
when I needed you most.

On the days I was breaking,
barely holding myself together,
I searched for you—
desperately.

The silence hurt,
but not as much
as knowing I couldn’t reach for you.
Not anymore.

I’d shed a tear
and open my phone,
my fingers tracing their way
to our chat
like muscle memory,
like hope that forgot you were gone.

You were once my escape,
my soft place to land.

Now I cry in silence,
telling stories
you used to hear—
to no one.

I think I made a mistake,
Choosing my heart over my mind for you.
What made you so special?
I’ll never know.

You broke me,
Shattered my heart into a million pieces.
Then you came back—
An apology, empty and unexplained.

And still, my heart opened,
Without hesitation,
Without pause.

I regret the moment
I allowed myself to love you.
Why you?

I promised never to give those eight letters
To anyone unworthy.
Promised never to fall
Unless I was ready.

But I went for it.
All for you.
A single glance, a fleeting smile—
And I was yours.

Why?
Because you were the one
Who made my heart feel alive.

What hurts 
is that you knew you broke me.

You knew you tore me apart,
and yet you continued on with your day—

like nothing happened.
You knew I’d go to bed crying 
every single night
 because I couldn’t bear the thought
 of life without you in it.

But you didn’t seem to care.
You knew I was attached—

so why did you let go?

You knew my heart was delicate,
and I opened it to you completely.

But all you did was neglect it.

Break it.
You only ever cared about your feelings.

But what about mine?

Am I that invisible to you?
Days turned into weeks,

weeks into months,

months into years—

and you haven’t said a single word.
Do you really hate me that much?

That’s what I’ve asked myself

over and over again.
But maybe you never hated me.

Maybe I just didn’t matter.