Pj: Poems

Sep 2015 · 322

9.13.15

Pj Sep 2015

9.13.15

Today I woke up and wanted to **** myself.
I hate feeling so low that I can't even help myself.
I look to the sky for warmth but it just didn't help.
I'm afraid to close my eyes, for my dreams are really hell

Constantly hopin' and wishin' for **** that won't really happen
and all this pain that's inside
they said that **** doesn't matter,
"Just get to the money, P. The rest will come later"
But what if living is killing me?
Doesn't my sanity matter?

I'm locked away inside my mind,
the key is on the table
But I'm tied to the chair with invisible
ropes stronger than cable
Can I live?
I ask myself twice is the possibility of purgatory worth
the price of my life?
Can I live?

Depression at its best and happiness that is struggling.
Find the finer things in reality and
don't ever think you are nothing.
But I don't. I'm the ****,
at least that's what I tell myself today.
Even if I do believe it, the tears are still only a blink away.

I'm bipolar. And a girl. Yeah that's one hell of an equation
and when I have my emotional fits it's one hell of a conversation-
with myself. All 8 of me.
Not even standing between two mirrors to mask insanity.
I'm sanely me. Insanely me.
Inside the soul that sang to me.
I can't even write this rhyme with complete accuracy because
they're watching me.
They prey on the weak.
Misery likes company and right now, woe is me.

I feel better today.

Jan 2015 · 359

Untitled

Pj Jan 2015

Untitled

I just don't want to feel anymore..
at least not today..
the shadow across my heart prevents
me to feel in the same way.
it's like I can't breathe but I can't suffocate.
I just want to scratch all my pain away..
You burned a hole in my head and that's honestly worse than my heart..
It's not hard to be numb, but it's hell to not fall apart.

Nov 2014 · 645

Mixed Emotions

Pj Nov 2014

Mixed Emotions

Tan skinned.
still tan without a sun kiss
still darker than the white kids
not dark enough to know what the struggle is.

Caught between a rock and a hard place,
that little box you check for two or more races
Always having people telling me where to stand, but this is my space
Like discrimination doesn't apply, if only you'd tie on my laces.

Because nothing's more confusing than a half-breed
You don't know what side to friend or fear, which side you'll mostly see.
It's almost as if only my skin tone defines me,
but not the content of my character, as we all have dreamed.

Growing up, I never noticed a difference.
No matter the shade, I never paused for a second.
Un-mirrored figures never swayed me to keep my distance,
It's strange to live in a world incapable of coexistence.

Sometimes I wish I was on a definite "side"
It wouldn't matter to me if it was black or white.
I'm not a big stickler for racial pride because in the end,
well beginning, it's all up to God.

Nov 2014 · 329

Untitled

Pj Nov 2014

Untitled

I'm tired of always running to the bathroom.

I stopped drinking water but
when I think I'm empty,
I can feel it come again
and so,
I run to the bathroom.

As soon as I let it out, I feel it begin to trickle again.
How come this stream sees no end?
I wipe away what little drops still try to fall.
And just once I think I've got it all,
before too long, it'll start up again,
and so,
I run to the bathroom.

    It's always painful when it flows,
and it hurts even more to stop midway.
I want to stop it completely,
- my only know how is to be dehydrated.
For a sense of release, I let it come and pass,
knowing it'll be back again soon.
I wish I didn't cry so much,
so I could stop running to the bathroom.

Aug 2014 · 366

Untitled

Pj Aug 2014

Untitled

I know I've been betrayed when my red flower smells this way.
How another's scent sticks & wipes away the innocence.
How my nose knows how a rose is supposed to smell, but I can tell the way the embers fell you don't remember me the way you did.
Got my petals all sticky with sin.
I'm sick with sore eyes, & lost in my own mind but
I'm not surprised- I mean that
& you aren't real- now I see that
& invisible, trust me- I'll be that
& don't worry about me I'll be fine I won't say I wasted my time but just know
I'm gettin' mine,
& you keep gettin' yours.
This is just another lesson, we live and learn.
I can't feel regret- maybe we ran our course
but that wall I broke down will be reinforced.

Aug 2014 · 283

Untitled

Pj Aug 2014

Untitled

you don't have to tell me,
I already know what it means,
but don't throw the stone when
this caged bird sings.
& you aren't the reason for
this smile on my face,
yet, only a shadow of a memory in
my heart, that can be easily erased.

— The End —