I only see him once a year
This day.
And he askes me why
Why not any other day?  
"Because it's Halloween,
Silly".      
He laughs and we fall
For each other.
But the next day, we pick
Up the pieces of our self
And live life like complete
Strangers.

But this year was different
He pulled me onto the floor
And got me to dance.
It was loud but it felt so
In-place
We pretended it was new years
And kissed at 12.
Then took a long walk and watched
the leaves fall like snow falls
On Christmas eve.
It was all so perfect.
Well almost.

Until he asked me my name.
"Laura," I said.  
I lied and he didn't realize  
He told me how beautiful it was
And how he'd call me tomorrow.
But I was afraid.                          
Because it was Halloween.
It was the only time of the year
I didn't have to feel guilty to
Be someone else.

I once knew a girl
she was happy and young
until ***** by a stranger's lust

I once thought of a girl
she was scared and frightened
tried to bury the remains of her past

I once thought I knew a girl
But she was damaged at full
never loved or could be loved

I once was that girl
But I hid behind a cover story of
"just a girl".

“Were there others?”
It’s a question that I’ve asked myself
But couldn’t ask you.

But were there others?
Who fell victim to you?
Or were they forced like me?
I’ve seen you, the way you act
With that pride I loath
I remember, the way you were
The way you used to be my best friend
The way I used to tell you things.
I know you weren’t always,
How I only think of you now
So when did you change?
When did you start to notice me?
To think about me?
We were young, but I know you weren’t naive.
Did you pretend it was someone else?
When you tried to kiss me?
But my heart just pounded
And sometimes I just froze.
I didn’t know what to do.
But does anyone ever know?

So were there others?
Because I want to ask them
What they did when you touched them
Because it’s been decades since that time
And I can still remember you
Cornering me in my room
And shutting the door.
And the last thing
I still remember is how I tried
To hide in my closet
But how you found me.
And after ten minutes of struggles
And pains
You grabbed my hand
And squeezed it really hard
Until it all went numb
And whispered, “If you tell anyone,
I’ll **** you.”
And so I didn’t tell anyone
Because I had already died that day.

So were there others?
Because for their sake,
I wish there wasn’t.

I thought about it for a while
Before I did it
Because I didn’t know how
I kept glancing at the scissors sitting
On my study table
Thought to get up to grab them
To hold its blade against my bare skin
In my mind I could feel the pain
Of what it would be like
Maybe it was because I was so hurt
And I just wanted to hurt others
The way they hurt me
So I rose from my bed
But I walked out the door
Walked into the bathroom
Opened the cabinet with aspirin
I counted them by fives as I took them
Ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five
Was it enough?
I walked back to my room
Slowly with hands still shaking,
And body trembling.
I pushed under the covers
And slowly dozed off to sleep.
The next morning would come
But I wouldn’t wake up
Everyone would yell from my bedroom door
But I wouldn’t move
They’d come to shake my cold body
And realize the difference
Between what I was and
What I am.
The morning sunshine broke
Through my window sill
And I slowly lifted my eyelids
It didn’t work.
Maybe it wasn’t enough
So maybe
I'll just have to try again tonight.