That drunken altercation
With legs writhing and
Palms larruped
Leaving hand-shaped welts
On pink skin,
That error that cannot be undone
Will forever haunt me,
But the ghost follows
Two hosts.

When he looks into my eyes
And feels himself within me
The vision of the other man
Tip-toes around the back
Of his brain,
Lingering like the smell
Of garbage,
Prompting him that he’s
Not the only one to
Kiss my lips,
Or trace the curves of
My hips,
Or tell me that he loves me.

Though he gave his forgiveness,
Let me stay inside his heart,
The memory is crippling,
And a part of me is lost.

You dragged yourself along
Trudging your feet
And squinting in
The sunlight,
You laughed at the way
We interlace our fingers,
And how it seemed different
This time.

Your pupils widened
And you smiled at me,
Sitting in my car
In a gas station parking lot
I felt gloom and
Your bumbling fingers
On me
Made my skin crawl.

'Twas not fair of me
Substance altered your filter
And out slipped the truth
In that state I felt
You slipping away from me
I wanted to please you
The passion I harbor
For you
Sways my moods
Like a willow tree,
*Je t'aime
Je t'aime
Je t'aime.

You kept your calm
Even while leather straps
Teased your back
In the most malicious
Of ways...
The cries that
Escaped your lips
Sounded like songs to me,
You plucked the strings
Of the harp
Within me
And pulled like the moon
On the waves
And brought tears to
My eyes,
The midday sun plead
With me
To blink them away though
The salt would sting
On bloodied fingers.

I am caught between two sets of chains;
One digs into my flesh with patches of rust
Entering my bloodstream through old wounds
I gave myself in years before…
The toxins take action ever so slowly.

Another is of satin,
Gently caressing my knuckles
Making me happier—
I think—
Than I’ve ever been in my whole life,

But there’s pressure on my clavicles
As the pull becomes stronger.

I have cried over you
All the while I’ve been saying:
‘I love you’
For I know that I feel more deeply
Than you could ever feel
I see farther forward
Then you’ve ever dared to look,
And I’m trapped here with my
Adoration for you,
And I already miss you.

She was wise at
Five feet and seven inches
With a voice that could
Shake the barracks
Of a ship
When anger harvested her
But tender
As a lamb
With the soft creases
Of her hands
She said happiness
Is gargantuan but also
Very small
You can fit it in the palm
She said
Give it away
You will
One day
But still it will be yours
Never let somebody else
—Especially not a
**** Y-chromosome—
Hold your contentment
In their hot
Little
Hands.

You laid with me in a shallow grave
Blood could no longer run from
My cracked lips
And fermented saliva
Harbored a black tongue
Swelled and jetted out
Juxtaposed against ghostly flesh
You lit a match and searched for
The wick inside me
Tried to find the flame of who
I once was
To light it again.

I wanted to be a snowflake
Laid to rest
On the roof above your head
But there were others that fell
Pushing down on my ribs
I held my breath but
I’d already lost my luster
Who can compete with
A fille of seventeen
Eyes bejeweled and
Legs long like palm trees
I wanted to be a woolen blanket
Radiate your warmth
Back over you
You had no need for my tenderness
The beams of late morning
Sent me tumbling down
A gutter pipe
Left swirling in a crack
In the pavement
Hand in hand with your enchantress
Carefully stepping over me
You mustn’t get her shoes wet.

Our affection was a spider web
As we slept in our separate homes
With our spirits inhabiting
Both bodies,
The gossamer was swindled
Carefully in between each
Eyelash and around each
Finger and toe,
Tiny filmy stings
Had our hearts connected.

I felt a pang inside me
When loneliness tugged
Your arms and plead with you
To follow it.

I wondered
As my tear ducts
Emptied themselves
Onto my cheeks,
How do I cope with
Sadness that is not
My own?

I have felt the
Icy sleet
That is one a.m.
With sad songs
And emptiness in
All aspects of life
And I wish it upon
No one.

I want the sadness
Only to be mine
I want to be greedy
I want to steal it
From you
If only so that
I could see you happy.

I was to you a God
You worshipped my hips
The rose petals surrounding
My tongue
I was le femme
But I lost all femininity
In your eyes
God was neutral
God was I
You wanted to
Be in the core
Of God.

Purple had always been my favorite color
Knuckles struck my eye socket and
The sudden pressure left bulges like
Two ripe and juicy summer plums
Beside my nose
And through the fissures in my
Fruity peepers
Swollen and dripping with tears
I could make out his shoulders
Still hovering above me
Fists still clenched
I backed toward the wall
In all sense of the phrase
Searching for the security of
Drywall on my palms behind me
Darkness closed in
He stepped in front of the light
And I could hear his breathing
Growing nearer
And I whipped my thoughts
Back to purple.

Yellow beam of light circles
My face
Momentarily blinding me again
And again and again
One night like an eon
As the tiny celestial bodies
Above the clouds revolve around
The black night sky
My shadow scaled the spire
To the crown of the beaming
Watchtower gazing over a
Restless sea
To find me floating away
With the tenacious waves.

Why did they always associate you
With that specific word?
You always thought that word
To describe the tender feline kind
Gentle in showing affection
Brushing their fluffy cheeks on
Your shins
But they do have
Their claws as well.

School children were
Just as harsh
If not more
If it rhymed with imp
It burned in your ears
And in the mouths of
Mom and dad late at night
After you’d been sent to bed.

Your own father had
Told you to just wipe
Your nose on your sleeve
And **** it up

And it hurt worse
Than any other
Punch to the gut
And that was just
Tenth grade.

You're far from the drumbeat
Young girl
Lions and zebras in cages
You never liked their stripes
Father would grind his teeth
At the sight of those
Dom perde
Once you saw a man
Lying in the street—a kaffir
His skin raised and bloodied in lines
Across his chest
Reminding you of standing between bars and
Those streaked beasts  
Stamping in their own mess
Kept far away from your
White silk tunic
Still young enough to marvel
What would father think
******* swollen with milk for
Bearing a child the color
Of Christmas chocolate
"An abomination above all others"
Father always fired the dienaar seuns
On the day of their thirteenth birthday
For your protection
He said
For your protection.

Simple gestures made to flatter us
Quietly coax us
Iron fists of gentle persuasion
A peck of reverence
Upon my dainty hand
Silently apprise me
To get undressed
And when you pay the check
I’m under the obligation
To be a lady
To be a good girl
And do as good girls do.

The time set aside for daily rebirth
mutated and reconstructed itself
left you trapped
in a moonless portal that
even microscopic fissures
couldn’t let light penetrate.

Your eyelids sealed with glue
licked shut like an envelope.
You claw at your bed sheets
'till the blood runs from
beneath your fingernails,

imprisoned in semi-consciousness
flooded with reminiscence
you splash about like a child
satin chains wrap you to your bed
in this haunting trance.

You awaken to hail reverberating
off the window panes
with a twinge in your solar plexus
like it is now a vacant chamber
and a bone-chilling perspiration
dripping down your spinal column.

Seems as if it’s been eight years
since your head hit the pillow
but it feels like
the barrel of a revolver pressed
to your temple
thunder cracks like gunshots
for delicate ears.