death is a carousel
spinning; like the uneasiness
i feel as you calibrate
a bracelet towards my narrow wrist
with wooden horses as beads
while our gentle hands hold like nylon

it continues as the gears
like the choices we make
dance to the looped circus music
the acid in our stomach
react as we gallop through tragedy
just then we realize
if one of us steps down
the ride would be fun no more
but darling
it is time  
the coin has taken its toll.

always dreamed
of leaving one day
by walking my fingers
left and right and forth
as if the nails were soles
and tips were heels

at the coming of age
always thought
of leaving one day
with nails as tracks
so no one would follow
that not even myself
would want to come back
since between you and me
there is not a thing
worth keeping

i don't know what to say when it rains
long pressed backspace
retract every word that comes out
of my mouth that you used to kiss

walls used to have my back
but at the same time, they hinder
my part to let go for once
and peek over the other side

to ask

"will it rain?"
"will i see the sun?"
navigating the weather might be hard
but one thing's for sure
home is where you set foot
with your smile i stay warm
in your presence i find shade

we cry
and smile
at the same time  
so the wrinkles  
between our lips and cheeks  
catch the tears from our eyes
just as how the only person we got
is ourselves

because after all
you won't notice
parading clouds in heaven
without light from hell
radiating behind it

i chose to lose
turned my wounds into a map
navigating my pain
through routes to hurt you
realizing i was just out
to bruise my own heart

i used to believe
wearing armor
will protect others
from what I could become

and vulnerability stings
but you've shown me
strength through disarming armor
is just a way to soften
without breaking

retribution fed
by memories as sharp as knives
where time, being the unsung hero
exhibits that pulling the knife
just makes the bleeding worse

in time i must let go
of the scales weighing our past
for what i have done
i will dive deep for coins
throughout my lifetime
in the depths of your sorrow

i'm tired of keeping myself from others
it's just so ironic to rationalize
is it for them to be safe from me
or to save myself from them?
this everyday heads-or-tails situation
makes me wish that everywhere i go
is a lawless place where i can just be
or something
or someone
i could find solace from
like a pillow in an empty room where i sleep
but as always
it turns out
this room's too small for people to break down my wall
just as how the rain expects her tears to reach my skin
only to end up on my umbrella
as my desolate eyes stare
to the manhole on the road i walk
wishing to throw myself in it
to consummate its term
thinking at least
i made sense once in my life