I didn't want to talk just yet because I was not sure what to say.  I decided to try and put some of what I wanted to say into words before we spoke.  After a month I know it will be we are worried sick then yelling for not working on contacting you, then for all the **** I have not done.  I did not mean to not talk to you for so long, but it happened.  I though about a lot of stuff during this month of being cut off from any real technology besides an Ipod.  I found that writing is helping.  I love reading and I thought if I read I should be able to write.   It lets me think about what I will put down before I actually say it...because when I talk I just say the first thing that comes to mind.  I realized that I am going to be working 60+ hours a week for at least 15 years.  I realized that I am probably not the lawyer or doctor you wanted me to be.  I am more like Anthony Bordain, easiest way to show who I am...minus the coke and dope (please believe me on that, I have seen what those two things have done to really good friends of mine and their family, i.e. Russell, as much as I love him and now he is finally getting better.  The worst I will do it not call for a while.)  It is hard because my friends out here at not like my friends back home in Jersey (now spread across mostly the east coast, some farther in land) and my "family" from Providence.  They knew when I wouldn't talk to you and make me call you.  Here, no one cares, people like to keep things bottled up, and I am not really sure who to talk to. because unfortunately I know you may just criticize me in a "nice" way and I don't want that.  This is my first Thanksgiving I am missing, and it is a weird feeling to not eat a lot in my house then go drink in the shed.  I am thankful for my parents that love my too much, a family that I never remember how much they care, a place that at some point I know I can return and be loved even after all the mistakes I have made and will make.  I am thankful for finding the things that make me happy food, friends, family, reading, writing,, and music.  It is what makes me me, and that is also what you made me, for 18 years, and it shows but people don't see because they do not know you.  Dad, we look exactly a like, right down to where a rock hit us on the top of the head and making us go bald.  I think about everything I left behind when I raced out to Denver for something that was awful.  I am thankful for my opportunity in KM Concessions.  I am thankful for being on my own and figuring out who the **** I am.  I found out I am a bad son, brother, grandson, and friend.  I probably seem self absorbed because I never call, and never write.  I do truly miss you, and think about what I do to you emotionally every day I do not call.  I apologize to you and every one that is close to us, but I am not sure when I will change.  I am a stubborn *******.  One thing that will never change, not matter what is that I do love you, more then I can tell you for some reason.  You are in my thoughts every single day.  I will never forget all the love , help, and everything you ever gave me.  All of it undeserved because I am not the perfect son.  I am a mess up and that is why I cook.  When I look back I will wish I could do it over, but I will do it the same because I hope when I do finally grow up I hope to be at least half the person either of you are.  Your warmth, love, and care.  Things that I always took for granted.  

Please don't think this a cheesy **** up, it is a scatter brain of thoughts that are true.  Things that I have trouble saying but think them everyday.  I wrote them, I love you, Happy Thanksgiving.  You should allow Doug, Sean, John, Dave, and Mike drink in the Shed  it would mean a lot to them.  It is our yearly therapy sessions, maybe why I have so much floating up in my brain.  I love you, not sure how to make that sound more powerful then those three little words.