I've always fancied myself to be a care-free person
I never  give a hoot as to what people think of me
I know that I  am good inside, if others don't I shouldn't mind.
But there are certain words, insults, and phrases
That I cannot brush off, with a HAH and a cough
Things I tucked away, sent to bed years ago.
But sometimes these self-concious demons
Get up to ask for water.
"You're so aggressive"
I am not aggressive,
But I am not a swan princess, do not expect me to be.
"You're such a brat."
I'm am annoying when I am,
But I am not a spoiled 8 year old.
"You're so fake"
I am kind to all whether I enjoy their company or not,
I do not gossip. ever.

Do not make claims about my being
I know my faults better than those who observe them
I am working hard at them, to be a better person
I do not need help
There is no benefit when hurtful words are expressed
I know me
You know you
Why should you try and make anyone better but yourself?
If there was more focus inwardly on being a better person
No one would be sad.
Or bad.
Or self-concious, not even a tad.

you are so young
so innocent
so naive
yet so am I
you have worlds of wisdom dancing between your ears
yet you see it for so much more than it is
you do not see the same world as many other children
yet you do not realize that your world is not better nor worse
you are not too mature
many are just too young
you maybe 26 in your 12 year old head
but I assure you
The average 26 year old
is not 26.
You are blinded by the little bit more you see
you feel as if the treasures you have unveiled within your mind
are the only treasures left to find
you have years to grow
to realize
that you know nothing..
I know nothing
I am selfish
I am dumb
Or maybe just happy
But so very dumb
we all are.
Einstein was only kind of clever
you are nothing
we all know nothing.
Humans are silly
childish
and those who invent snuggies and moonboots
have only found ways to live easier with our ignorance
I do not want to be part of this world
because so many have come to terms with not knowing a thing
they feel as if there is no reason to learn, if you cannot learn it all
but there is no life without learning
you would be a vegetable...like a carrot or a pea
yet, most people do not learn when they think they do.
You have not learned a thing
unless you have felt the epiphany.
or seen the shimmering glaze of the interior of your mind
dawned upon the realization of the words
rather than the dull incoherent idea of what the words "mean"
people are dumb.
Dont think yourself any wiser.

our entire existence means absolutely nothing
we are so perfectly trivial
there is nothing i can do in my short short life that is even going to make the slightest difference in the history of our world
and the history of our world means nothing in the universe
we know so much less than will ever have existed
i do not want to die
there is still so much more to learn
we will never know it all
the amount of information in all the human minds that have ever existed
will still amount to nothing
when the amount of things to know
is so large
i do not want to die

A sweep of a paintbrush
Is the only thing that could capture this angelic devil of a place
All that could create the crumble of this sidewalk,
Or the tickle of this wind and these stabs of sleet.
Or the dashing of the shadows by this Spring's happy rays.

All of this wonder and this common rarity
In this baby of a town
That cries to be heard and loved
For the mind that sits inside it
Wanting to be known for more than the just it's beauty of a school.
It sits as a daisy in a field of sunflowers,
Unnoticed until the ladybugs that fly from it are seen
Fluttering to great heights
Showering wonder on all the witnesses.

But what of the aphids,
The townies,
Those that call this home?
Do they get no credit
For building a life,
A family,
A dream,
Within this cozy corner of the country?

They see this place as home,
Looking at it with comfort and nostalgia.
It is their point B.
Their finishing line.
Or maybe even their starting point,
But still a place of birth.
Through their eyes,
These cracked roads and looming trees
Are glazed in memories
Of hopscotch and snowmen.
But no matter to whom, there is love and there is hate.

There are those who wish to flee this beautifully forsaken prison.
There are those who wish they had never been elsewhere.
To everyone though, there is beauty in it some place.

I don't really care much
For those who don't dare much
Who wait and wait and wait for their mommy to make bank
Your parents bought you a swimming pool
That's so nice
That's so cool
But the people who had me hopin'
Are the ones whose minds seem open
But whose open doors were merely murals painted on closed minds
Those are people I cannot stand and there are so many of them so many kinds
With so much potential and even more judgement
Or maybe with money and very little thought
I'm happy with my mountain streams
My 25 cent socks
And jumping off of rocks
I'm happy here
Where the sky is big and clear.
And I can tell you my stories
I can spill my heart on this polluted ground
But you'll need some more keys
To unlock all the doors
Inside of little big ol' me.
Millions of rooms in my head,
Filled with everything plus room for a bed.
Room 52, ***** and giggles
Room 103, the Dutchy
Room 3004, a room just for you and more
But there are parts of me
You think you know
While only 7 months of me you carry in your pockets
And will you see all 16 years and lives before? No.
Step down from your pedestal
There's more than your two eyes can perceive
You're not as great as you seem
These facts show, I believe,
There's nothing more right than for me to leave.

I have spent so much of my life trying to limit myself and say:
"This is who I am, I feel like myself"
But so much time trying to define myself to one feeling
was the biggest waste of anything I've ever had
and it had to be life that i was wasting, didn't it?
and I have wasted so much
like toilet paper
or my liver
or food
or space...
but my biggest regret is wasting my life
my time that is ever so short and precious
And I threw it away like the last piece of pizza no one thought they wanted
but I did want it
i do want it
I have realized so early in my life
that who I am is not one definition
and I cannot draw my own boundaries
Unless I am drawing them with a white crayon
on white paper
I am so many people and so many different feelings
in my realization
I am taking that pizza out of the wastebasket
(it's called that for a reason)
and I'm brushing off the dirt of years thrown away
And I'm going to eat my pizza.
Savoring every bite to the last bit of crust.

Without him
I have no morals
Without his eyes
I cannot see beauty
Without his heart
I have no home
Without his mouth
I cannot speak
Without his hands
I cannot feel myself
If not for my love for him,
I would not know a thing
About how the birds chirp
Because they have so long waited for the sun.
I would not know a thing
About how fireplaces and families warm.
About how God is not just a myth but love.
About why the children call my name.
About how to speak it myself.
About the drifting of eyelids when bodies are not yet tucked in.
Without my love for you,
My heart would have been broken long ago
and I wouldn't count as a human being.
Without you,
I would be nothing and no one.
Without you,
I would have died years in the past.
Without you,
My body and soul would have been defiled...
And I would have let it happen.
Because without you,
I would not know what it means to be worthy.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me him.
Not even mutually,
He saved me.