love and self respect twined into the rope
surrounded by a toxic cloud of vagueness.

I am the riff-raff of my own heart

my own dishonesty to myself has increased the remorseless presentiment in my soul
my reactions drowned in vain
as he whispered the words that i have so often used on all the wrong faces

my heart was taped together with duct tape
...still some pieces were missing
my heart was not "ripped in half"

it was set a blaze, tortured and hung
left looking in the mirror at its own worthless reflection...

...how can a heart like that ever love again?

love and self respect twined into the rope
surrounded by a toxic cloud of vagueness.

I am the riff-raff of my own heart

my own dishonesty to myself has increased the remorseless presentiment in my soul
my reactions drowned in vain
as he whispered the words that i have so often used on all the wrong faces

my heart was taped together with duct tape
...still some pieces were missing
my heart was not "ripped in half"

it was set a blaze, tortured and hung
left looking in the mirror at its own worthless reflection...

...how can a heart like that ever love again?

In only a few hours I will be on a plane,
traveling to a part of the world
that I've never been.

I can't help but to wonder if this place
will become my soul mate,
this city,
my groom.

Will I fall in love with the lights?
Will I dream of the noise?
Will I wish to stay there until I grow old?

Will I be willing to leave behind the walls of the suburbs that I've grown to loathe? Waking up to the same picture outside of my window. Going through the same motions everyday.

My life is a song on repeat.

The desire for change, the ache for adventure burns inside of me.

The world is a treasure to discover, and your scenery should never stay the same.

Maybe in this city I will find myself. After all,  isn't that what we are all trying to do?

how do I know that this time it will be different?

how do I know that the things about me that drove him away, won't drive you away?

how do I know that you won't just give up when it gets hard?

like him.

how do I know your love won't run out?

his did.

how do I know you're not the man I will spend the rest of my life with?

I don't.

By the power
of the cross
my life is
s a v e d

~pw

I told you that night
I think I love you
Though I'm not sure I knew
What it meant.

You were cute
And you were fun
And you were kind.

So I thought I loved you.

I liked the way
You smiled when you talked
You bounced when you walked

And so I thought I loved you.

A year is a selfish thing.
Winter to Spring.
Losing everything,
Just to gain it all back.

But us, it pushes along.
And we never get a second chance.

In that year we realized,
How different we truly were.
How the things that drew us together,
Were the things we didn't want.  

But we held our tongues,
And we slowly widened the gap,
Which was promptly filled,
By our silence.

I thought I loved you.

So I held you in my arms,
And I whispered in your ear,
And I wondered if it was a lie,
If I didn't know the truth.

He was sitting in front of me on the bus.
I could faintly see his reflection in the window
as he peered out across the flat plains.

I noticed his lips.
They were full and his bottom lip was bigger than the top.
But it was beautiful.
Especially when he smiled.
His nose was perfectly set between his eyes and while he constantly made remarks about how big it was...
it really wasn't.

I looked at his eyes through the reflection.
There was a sort of sadness to them.

His father died a couple years ago
and when it's quiet
I wonder if that is what he is thinking about.

Maybe that is the memory that fills his eyes with hurt.

He really was handsome.

Even with sadness in his eyes.

It wasn't till then until I questioned how many times I've seen him but never really stopped and looked.


~pw

I know you. I know you put the words on paper that you can't find the strength to say out loud. I know things would be completely different right now if you had looked him in the eyes, over the shinning water and had let him do the talking. I know you feel like you made a mistake, but you didn't. I know it was hard, and I know it was painful... but you are no stranger to the desires of your heart.

It's in the moment of complete misery that you realize those love movies aren't reality. You're on your own in this world. You're off trying to find yourself, but the problem is you think you already know who you are. Hate to break it to you, but you are a 17 year-old girl and you have a long way to go. You live each day pretending like you know what you're doing; everyone is. But the truth is, the world is just moving and we are standing dumbfounded in the midst of it all.

You are inspired by the talents of other people, but you so often forget the talents you posess yourself. You will always hate him for being patient and understanding how to deal with all this "heartbreak" **** before you did, but it isn't your fault. You fell in love too quickly, and the thing about love...it's tricky. You say "I love you" and then a month later you break his heart and he breaks yours. Is it more of a feeling? Or are they really just words? Whatever it is, it left you with scars and you feel the pain all over again when you see his stupid smile. But you're happy, better even! You will find someone new. As sad as it may seem, it all becomes a memory. A simple blurred dream.

And each night eventually turns into day and everything stays the same, but I'm not who I was a year ago, and I have him to thank for that. So pick yourself up and carry on. Things get better, trust me, I know. I know it's hard standing back up after falling so far, but it isn't impossible.

A few years ago I was 15 and in love, now I'm 17 and the thought of it scares me away. Choose you're words wisely and don't waste them on the wrong people. Don't fall in love with the idea of falling in love, fall in love with someone who loves you back. It's going to get hard, but it's also going to get really easy. If you sit around worrying about everything that's going wrong, you are going to miss something beautiful. You get one chance. Do things that will make great stories and laugh until you can't breath. Go on that drive, listening to that song and think about how life couldn't get much better than this.


~pw

Both our eyes were heavy and the quietness of the room drew us into exhaustion, yet neither of us dared to fall asleep. His bed was big enough for the both of us, but we managed to take up the least amount of space as possible. The closer we were, the better. Every inch of his skin intertwined with every inch of mine; and I refused to break the gaze between us because I knew we were deeply lost in each others eyes. It was in the way his fingers removed the lingering hair on my cheek that even the greatest words in the world couldn't describe. How do I explain the way my soul somehow leaves the body when he sighs into my ear, or how my mind takes flight when his lips graze my skin, my lips, my neck...

No matter how far into slumber I seemed, I would never take focus off of each small detail because, while gazing into his heart, I knew this moment wouldn't last forever.


~pw

it may actually happen.
this may actually be it.
you can't be scared.
you and him may be that one in a million.

yes, he's off at college.
yes, you're stuck in the suburbs.
but he says he loves you and you shouldn't convince yourself you don't feel the same because of fear; because it might actually happen. you may actually have found the man you will spend forever and a day with.

yes, he's off at college.
but that doesn't mean it isn't real.

you say you're drawn in by other men, but that's what they are there for. to draw you in, but only for a little while. they don't satisfy you. not the way he does.

yes, he's off at college.
and it's hard to believe you are satisfied when you feel like you don't have anything.

sooner or later he will come back. and those boys you left him for will disappear and you find yourself standing between nothing and him. NOTHING and him. so which will you choose?

yes, he's off at college.
but you're obviously on his mind.

what will be on YOUR mind? when YOU are off at college?

maybe him.


~pw

It was there.
And then it was gone.
Frantically scrolling up and down I somehow knew the search was useless. The frustration streaming through my blood kept my mind off of everything else in the world. I was mad. Angry. Questioning why this would happen. Hard work pays off? Or hard work gets "accidentally" deleted by the stupid device that I have ignorantly become so dependent on. It has become our way of communication; our way of becoming something else. We try to make technology a mold of ourselves. Piling in personal information until we are left holding our entire life in our palm. We stick our faces behind 4x2 rectangles of wires and data, instead of looking each other in the eye.

But you see, the problem is, you can't bleed into a device. It won't absorb. Your feelings, your life will merely sit on top of it until your phone eventually shuts down.

But you can bleed into paper. You can write and write and only be concerned about how badly your hand is cramping. You can hold it, you can feel it. And you can hope others feel it too. You can carry it around and never worry about it becoming "outdated."

There are no upgrades.

There is only inspiration.


~pw