You knew it was coming
long before I did.
You morphed into a snake and you wrapped your body around mine
as I slept next you at night,
and when that didn’t work
you threw grenades at me.
Your army was weak
but your line of defence was worse.

It was a complete 180,
you kicked me out and closed up shop,
hung up closed signs and shut the blinds.
You knew it was coming
and you knew you couldn’t make me stay.

You were wicked and deceitful,
you said words like
I don’t want you anymore
and
just end it already.
By the time the war was over
I couldn’t tell who had won.

By the time we were over
I couldn’t tell if I had left you,
or you had left me.

I have tattoos scattered on my body
but I told you on our second date that I had commitment issues.
I guess what I meant to tell you
was that you should not come any closer,
because my heart is on fire.
I’m afraid you will blow up if you kiss me too hard
because the last boy told me I was a
tick-tick-ticking
time bomb.
But you are a man and not so easily scared
so I’ll tell you about the darkness
that made the others cringe and flee.

I will stare you down and find your flaws;
use them against you until I find a reason to leave
or until you beat me to it.
I will crash my ship onto your shore
and blame you for the wreckage.
I will set up camp inside your chest cavity
and let the smoke from my campfire fill your lungs.
I will sketch words into your skin,
I will write things about you,
that you couldn’t possibly believe.
I have demons following me like shadows
and I let them accompany me gratefully.

My heart is on fire
from all the things I have seen,
all the things I have done,
and all the things that have been done to me.
My heart is on fire
and I can simply not resist
lighting you up, too.

I was once burned
by a flame so intense,
that I lost my ability
to feel.

Your skin burns red hot
when it touches mine,
but you are a flame
that I would let caress me
any day.

If I were to tell you I was giving up on you,
all you would have done
is laugh.
You knew you had me
wrapped around your finger
and that you were
permanently sown through my veins.

So when I tried to let you go,
when I finally did give up,
it was if I was handing over
the air in my lungs,
the blood in my veins,
the light of my life.
And you still laughed
because while my life was ending,
you kept on living.

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I know you can’t understand
why I sleep too many hours in a day,
or that sometimes I can’t find the will to get up in the morning,
but I need you to try.

Because once upon a time
before I had you,
I saw no light at the end of the tunnel.
I saw darkness and guilt
and when the sun didn’t come out,
neither did I.
I took things I shouldn’t have to my wrists,
and wore long sleeves in the summer.
I spent my days in my room
and I pushed every person I loved away,

I know you can’t picture me that way,
but I need you to
for just one second.
Picture a girl with dead eyes,
and a quiet voice.
Picture someone who when the going got tough,
she wanted to be dead.
Picture someone writing notes to the ones she loved,
telling them goodbye.
Picture someone swallowing too many pills
and not caring if she woke up or not.
Picture that person
because that use to be me.

I know you want me to stop taking my tiny yellow pills at night,
because you have never seen
that side of me.
But I live in fear everyday that I will fall back into that dark pitt.
So I take my pills
every night at nine,
and pull myself together
every morning.
I know you can’t understand
because you didn’t see the girl I was,
and I hope you never do.

I want you in my bones
like a bad winter chill.
You’re in every breath I take,
I swallow you whole each time.
You’re in every inanimate object in this
godforsaken room.
I’d wash the walls and the floor
and everything in-between
just to be rid of your ghost,
if only it would work.
You’re in every person I talk to,
and even the ones I don’t.
I’d climb mountains
and swim lakes,
just to follow you home;
but instead I’m locked in this tower,
waiting for you to come back.
Even though I love you
I hate the way I miss you.

I tried to find answers in razor blades
but all they gave me were secrets and shame.
I tried to find peace between pages and words
but everything lead me back to you
and everything I wrote
was you.
I tried to find courage to call you in 7% drinks but all they lead to was me hanging up the phone.

Instead I found you
in dreams where I couldn’t touch you,
in dreams where you weren’t yourself.
It’s been four years
and I’m still finding you
in blinding memories
while I lie beside the one I love;
and I’m afraid I will keep searching for you
because even when I was with you
I never really had you.