you have a reputation
for being a bad boy
for tearing girls down
and baby, i thought
i'd be different
that i might be the good girl
that can sway you over
and baby, you were
just that much stronger
i drink now
and i lie now
i foolishly trust now
and i even curse now

i wasn't like this
before you

i required permanence
in the form of your heartbeat
echoing in my chest
and you required transience
in the form of lips colliding
and skin touching

i used to be yours

he has a smile
that shines like a million stars
and eyes
so full of hope
but when he laughs
i hear your deadly snicker
and when he smiles
i miss your mischievous grin
and when he looks into my eyes
i crave your lustful stare
and as i let him build me up
i'm begging for you to tear me down again

a handful of texts
each wrapped with a ribbon that read
“you should see me”
lead up to this moment
it lead up to your fingertips
reaching into my soul,
your favourite song echoing
in my mind,
making tea
just the way you like it
(when you like it, it’s occasional),
traffic reminding me of
your face when a terrible driver angered you,
the tap of your fingers
against the steering wheel,
the calm of your voice
against my irrationality,
you
leaving,
waking up
to remember that you’re gone
all over again

and late at night
when you can’t sleep
remember one thing,
i was once
the reason why
you refused to close your eyes

i once read somewhere
that sometimes when you meet someone
there’s a click
not love at first sight
but a click
so honey,
what am i meant to do if you’re my click
and i was just the cheapest version of craft glue
you could get your hands on?

you are a broken mess of shattered bones
each limb attached to a million little anchors
a gradual decline inevitable
but baby, i will sink to the very bottom with you
i will hold my breath until my lungs collapse and fill with the sickly salt water that surrounds us
i will stay there for as long as you need me to
and when you find the strength to free yourself
i will rise to the top with you
and we will rediscover what the sun feels like on our skin
and what the air feels like in our lungs

i tend to forget a lot of things
like birth dates and the colour of eyes
but you my darling
are a masterpiece that has been etched
into my brain
how am i meant to forget
so much right
in a world so full of wrong?

if i was nicotine
i’d kiss your lips
leave my taste on your tongue
and inject you with the most lethal dose of myself

i’d swim through your veins like bad *******
leave your knees quivering
body shaking
tracing patterns along your jawbone

i’d make your throat burn like dry whisky
make your mind swirl
consumed by thoughts
you can’t arrange

i’d leave you with wasted efforts
to keep you addicted
marks along your skin remnant
of my short lived hold on you.

i look at you
and my mind rehearses

lines of poetry,
words that define
the creases around your eyes
and the way
the deep brown haze
glimmers like a million stars,

sentences that describe
the way
your smile taunts
even the saddest of minds
into recreating that
perfect half moon,

emotive imagery
that instills
every heart in the universe
with the feelings
that you
cause mine

but no words
can summarise
the details of you
because you are
complex
and eternally endless.

i want to tangle my fingers
in your hair
and my legs
with your legs
and my lips
with your lips
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to kiss
your temple
your jawline
and just beneath your ear
your lips suppressing
the most tempting sound
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to watch
your chest
inhale
exhale
and your eyelashes flutter
while you sleep
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to wake up
with a heavy weight
on my chest
your head
resting delicately
on my stomach
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i don’t want to see you
gently wake
fists brushing your eyes
hands running
through your hair
eyes eyeing the door
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to watch you
as you lightly hold
that golden handle
the way
you cup my face
in your hands
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to breathe
as you open the door
head moving
wanting to look back
but flicking forward
gone
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i want to scream
shout
cry out your name
hurt you
for leaving
for existing
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to watch
my fingers trembling
my lips
moulding to form your name
my mind
whispering

you,
you,
you.

always
you.

never escaping
you.

breathing,
   increasingly
      faster.

my name rolled off your tongue
in the same calculated way
that waves roll to the shore
and your eyes pierced my soul
in the same deadly way
that an animal stalks its prey
and i knew from then
that i would soon be your victim
and you would be
nothing but my murderer

i once met a boy
who had eyes as dark as a storm
a face as beautiful as mona lisa’s smile
and a personality as reckless as a hurricane
and he spent his days
hiding his sadness in music
and slashing his pretty little wrist
wincing as the blood ran down his arm
and sighing when the feeling of ‘alive’ hit him
deeper than the wound he had inflicted
only for the joy in his eyes and the freedom in his veins
to fade back into hollowness
almost straight away