I want to remain a child,
A pain that never comes,
But I've been told I've become a woman,
But I don't want to be burdened with my own child.

So I am given the option of 28 days.
For the first seven, I am granted excruciating pain as my body decomposes while I am still alive, and I can not express my discomfort because it is unladylike.

For the next 7, I am granted days of bliss, where I will regain strength and build my body back up.

On the 14th day, I have been reborn, and I am as blissful as possible.
I grant myself the joyous events of the world and rejoice in my good fortune.
I am given the option to bear a child in hopes of not relieving the pain of the first 7 days, but I refuse.

For the next 14 days, I forget all pain.
All seems well and I am free.
I start to believe that the 7 days of torture will no longer return, and all will be well.

But on the 28th day, the torture resumes,
My body decomposes and destroys itself.
And I feel the weight of my decision to not bear children on my chest, making every twinge of pain so even much worse.

The cycle continues until I bear a child.
My body tortures me over and over again,
My body is persistent.
But my mind is too.

The way your eyes light up as I draw near
Brings me too **** close to tears
The way you hug me as I walk in
Makes me want to have an everlasting embrace.

I love your brown and snow white coat
Your energy so high, you may never come down.
Your excitement at things as small as ice
Makes me appreciate the small joys in life.

You were brought into this home to make up for a loss
But just at the thought
I can't fathom
Losing you would destroy me, I can't let you out of my sight

Don't ever leave me
I need you in my life
One more will not let me last
Help.

His eyes are dark,
Deep in thought,
Stuck in the dark.

His stance hides his griefs,
His humor masks the sadness,
But his eyes give light to the significance of his problems.

His eyes, the only thing he cannot hide,
He can only pray that we don't notice,
For an emotion breech will break him.

His eyes, though no one else seems to notice,
Are the only true thing about him,
And he hates it.

His eyes give light to the fact that he hates the truth,
But the lies keep him safe to the outside eyes.
Until he met me.

His enticing stare,
His eyes that his smile never reached,
Drew me closer, made me curious, as to what he was hiding.

His eyes.
He never knew I saw them,
He tried to hide them in plane sight, yet I am the only one who sees them.

His eyes ruined him.

How do you live in the face of death?
How do you know you will live to fulfill your promises of another day?
Why was this world made to keep the curious away?
Why is it that if I question my lifespan, I am solely torturing myself?
Which is better, the answer or the affirmation?
Why must I live in question?

The truth is,
You live in the face of death everyday.
You live knowing you will die,
But the not know keeps us alive.

The truth is, the curious are too dangerous for their own good.
The eternal life answer is unlivable.
It is the one question that will spiral you with an answer.

I must live in question to live at all.
That is the rule of life.
If I chose the answer, I will not be given.

I will always live in question.

It is almost the first Christmas without you.
I just can't seem to get happy this year.
I try to look at the positives,
But so many of them remind me of you.

Sometimes all I want is a hug,
Sometimes I can no longer hold back the tears.
So here is my goodbye letter
Of things, I should have said.

Thank you for raising me,
Even if it was only for a short time.
Thank you for loving me
When no one else seemed to.

Thank you for the sleepovers
Thank you for the cakes
Thank you for the TV my parents wouldn't let me watch.
Thank you for the stories my parents never told.

Thank you for teaching me
Thank you for learning
Thank you for the soda, the chips, and the candy.
Thank you for accepting me.

I'm sorry I was so stubborn
I'm sorry I didn't like your cooking
I'm sorry I fought so much with my sister
In my precious time with you.

I'm sorry I spent so much time on an iPad
I'm sorry I didn't go to say goodbye.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you all this
...when you were alive.

Thank you for teaching me to play chess
And never stopped playing.
I'm sorry your doctors didn't take you seriously.
I'm sorry you died so painfully.

Now I sit at the foot of my Christmas tree
Writing you this letter
of apologies
that you will never read.

I love and miss you with all my heart
I hope something actually exists up there
I really hope it does
I promise I will visit someday
I love you so much.

Goodbye Meme.
I love you!