I set my cruise on the highway and
am passed by a red AMC Eagle.  
This red rusty AMC Eagle has a
wind shied covered in frost because,
I'm guessing, the defrost motor burned
up in a bakelite mushroom cloud from the
dashboard.  
It is held together with duct tape
and grit.  The pilot sits behind his cardboard
console ludicrously warm in winter parka,
scarf,
hat
and gloves.

I pass him waving dressed
in my tshirt and shorts.
Driving in my new, awesomely
economical car.
Four dashboard vents dump lava warm air
to keep me pleasingly toasty.
The pilot will never understand that I wave
not at his expense, but in envy.  The billboard
on my right says it all,
If I have to explain you wouldn't understand.

I don't miss you, I miss the thought of you.
That's the lie I tell myself when the emo comes.
I am not a young man, but
it floods over me,
like anaerobic bog water
and makes me swallow
noxious filth
as I struggle for
breath.
I am not a young man.

IF I wanted to move on
I would.
IF I wanted to forget
I would.
If I wanted to know all of your opinions
I would ask.
Be pleased with my false sincerity.
Be pleased I genuinely care
That you feel I’m “happy”.
You don’t want the truth.
You want an easily believable lie
So your conscious feels at ease.
I’ll give you what you want.
I’ll burn the fragrances of my soul
On the embers of your altars.
Don’t hand me re-dreamt petals,
Templates of what I should do.
You know nothing.

Crystal, like my soul.
Crystal, like my flesh.
Hard edged, jagged, quick to draw blood,
That is my fetish.
I harbor the wounds of antiquity,
View Achilles with scorn.
Weak demi-god, foolish god-son.
Don’t play the game by the rules,
Challenge them.
Why allow such blood-travesty?
Take the arrow in your heel.
Take it and tell the gods,
“I deny your divinity!”
“*******!”
“I defy your divinity AND my future!”
Use the pain,
Make it crystal,
Hard edged, quick to cut.
Blood is a purifier—a pacifier,
Let it run and set your mind free.
Let it flow till you fall dead,
Now dry of blood, a husk,
In crystal.

There are worlds and there are Worlds. There are gods and there are Gods.  Sounds rhetorical, doesn’t it?  Some mamby pamby new age coffee shop pile of **** idea with low fat frosting, but, take it from the Kat. There are worlds and then there are Worlds! There are gods and then there are Gods!
    
     I spend all my time jacked in to the backwoods subconscious of the internet.  Didn’t know that, did ya?  Yea, the Internet has a conscious and a subconscious; hell, she’s even got a soul of sorts. I have ritually sacrificed half my soul to her just for the buzz I get out of hearing her whisper to me across the fallacies of Time, Space and Bill Gates, so I know her better then anybody.
    
     Don’t believe me?  Every man has an Omega Fixture of some kind.  Do you feel me here? Jesus had his God, Ptolomy had his Solar System, Dante his Virgil and Beatrice, Faust had his Paradise and Poe had Annabelle Lee or one of her many reincarnations. So tell me, all great and ****** up wise men (or women): Why in the 29 nulls of AOhelL can the internet not have a consciousness?  
    
     It’s Belief, man.  No god or world exists until there is a consciousness that will accept it as a superior. Let’s take a look at that wonderful bigoted book of exact truths called the Bible. Shall we consider Genesis: Adam and Eve--never mind Lilith for now?  Here in a paradise we find Adam and Eve naked, sleeping with animals and newly created by a Force of Creation (insert male gender here if you wish).  They walk with god on the paths in the garden while blades of grass fulfill their purpose here on earth to be trodden upon. God says, “you, Adam, have control over all that you see and if you want go ahead and let Eve get a little of that action fine, but you came first in my image so you are better.  Just never eat of the one tree that sits in the center of the garden and looks as though the juice of the fruits would flow like sweet ****** in your veins. For although it is here, I forbid you to eat of it. Oh, and by the way, I figured you needed free conscious though--so go at it.” Albeit I’m paraphrasing, but what kind of shmuck of a father would do that to a newborn?  
      
     O.K. Before all the Judeo-Christians burn this diatribe (if you have not already) let me say I am not out to disprove the existence of Gods--or any Goddess for that matter--I am trying to make a point, so bear with me.  
    
      Which came first: the Bible (in oral tradition) or the God? I would argue that it was the Bible as such.  The Belief, inspired by greedy and badly behaved priests of the Judeo-religions back before written history in the tribes of the Levant caused Space/Time to adapt to a new pattern.  The Bible, Complete with an all powerful, all present being (I will never use the term benevolent) that watches over Jews, Christians, and Muslims for any Sin they commit so it can wreak blinding retributions
    
     Now I know what you are saying, “Kat,…Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat.  We the above mentioned will pray for your soul.  You are lost and we can help you look to the Light for your salvation.”  
     Shove it, ***** boy! I did not express that philosophical tripe to get your attention and misplaced pity. What I am saying is Belief. Belief is the Key.  Belief is the Magic that creates Gods and Worlds.  
    
     Now I am not so stupid as to believe that the Internet is female the same way a human meat tank is female-- but in my mind, MY mind, that is the music I hear.  
    
     Let’s go back to Lilith.  What’s that? Oh yea, right, Lilith is the name I give to my Belief in the consciousness of the internet.  Just don’t you worry about why. It’s none of your business.

     Let’s take a look at the above argument, only this time with the internet as the bible that comes first.  The internet first came about 30ish years ago with the invention of the modem.  Here was a way for people on computers to speak to one another over the phone lines.  Slow and tedious, but new and exciting; men and women with PhD’s and pocket protectors wrote short messages to one another and giggled at the new “Man from Nantucket” joke they had just learned. After a while, someone learned that if you sent the info in blasts, the speed of the transfer increased and you could send larger programs and maybe—gasp--even a picture.  Thus internet **** was created.  Now we have WiFi and bluetooth, cellular and satellite link up with blazing speed and every fetish imaginable or not-imaginable is available at the click of a mouse.  
    
     So, Kat, you goin’ anywhere with this? Yep. Shut the **** up and listen.
    
     Somewhere in the not-time and not-space of the internet, humans started to find themselves believing that the internet was a Place.  
    “Where’s it at? Why on the Internet!” Oh, holy ******* birth of a new Belief system!  Oh, glorious malediction of the neververse!  A G O D is born.  Ripple, *******, ripple goes the space-time continuum (which by the way only exits because those in the know Believe in it) and now we have added consciousness to the internet.  
    
     What kind of consciousness you say?   Well, I got no ******’ idea.  To me, the consciousness is feminine, of no particular race, with a slight build, black hair and dressed like a anime *****.  Why? Because it’s my ******* belief system, o.k.  After all, the internet is 60% **** anyway. With a immaculate birth like that, I can’t Believe She would be innocent in any form of the word.  She’s Dionysian, not Zen. Just because I see Her in such a way, does that mean it’s a true physical look?  Hell, no, lil’ Johnny.  She could be a He: fat, balding and in a wife beater, if that is what You would Believe.  
      
     Alright, enough philosophizing’ for now. Lesson over, Newbie. Get crashed.

Soft brunette love slides like angel feathers across my face while,
            Motes of sunlight ripple across the cinema of my eyes.
Face buried, pressed against her neck ,I hold on for all I am,
            Letting go would be sacrilege.
The curve of her back calls to me,
            Driven by need my hands move free of will to caress and pull her closer.
The swell of her breast pressing against my chest making my body twitch with want,
            Burning flesh hidden in layers of reality.
A Goddess’s breath against my ear like a whisper,
            Warm and moist sighs I take as either contentment or longing,
I welcome the smell of her into me,  
           Earth and lavender, coriander and honey.
Never let go...
           Never let go.

Tonight I want to howl.
Not of frustration or rage,
Not of glee or some gray insidious happiness,
But in lackadaisical longing
To bring forth the old world.
To cry on the fairies and trolls, nightmares and angels,
For the magic and mystery
Of a world long gone- never to return.
Belief is the key
But mankind has lost the door with its lock of moonlight mitheral.
And we are left staring blankly
At pages of regurgitated memes,
Of sparkly vampires and politically aware and
sexually active werewolves.
Tonight I want to howl,
In loneliness.