Its getting hard not being able to talk to my family
Ita getting harder that I cant even talk to my boyfriend because hes an ******* to me a lot.
Its all just getting so hard.

I just want to run away
Escape and get away.
I'm so tired of everyone jumping down my throat.
My mom isn't even the same woman I remember her to be.
I'm stuck thinking if she even cares about me at all.
My stepdad has become so irritating.
They seem to love my little brother more than they even love me.
IF they even love me.
My biological dad is a ******.
He left.
No one gives me a ******* break.
NO ONE TAKES ME OUT OF HELL. THEY JUST PUSH ME DEEPER INTO IT.
I've been waiting to pack my **** and go.
But where do I go?
Anywhere but this house would be fine.
I have no friends which I dont really care about but now it feels like I dont have a family.
I JUST WANT TO GET AWAY. SO FAR AWAY.
IM GIVING UP.
im just trying not to.

I am so tired.
Ive never been so tired.
Not tired as in I wanna go to sleep.
Im emotionally, physically and mentally tired.
You don't seem to understand that.
Am I anything to you at all?
Do you even care at all?
I am so tired of crying in my bed and wishing it would all end.
I am so tired of feeling like I have to runaway and escape from life.
I'm tired of feeling like i have to hurt myself to take all the ******* pain away.
I'm tired of feeling my heart crumble all the time because of you.
I am so tired of having these thoughts.
I'm trying more than I ever tried in life and you can't see that.
I just want a life with you.
I dont want to worry about everything else.
Why cant you take my hand and love me and care about me and put in the effort.
Why can't you help us live on.
Why do you have to listen to everyone and push me aside.
Why do I always come last to you.
Why can't you spend wonderful days with me and endless nights with me.
Why must you have me at home feeling like ****.
I love you. I do. But ****, you wont ever know how much I feel like you're the one.
How much you rip me and make me feel like im complete **** to you.
My heart wants you.
My heart will always want you.
I need you.
Theres so many things I wanna do with you.
We cant even do it because im NO ONE TO YOU.
IM ******* NO ONE.
IM SO TIRED OF FEELING LIKE ******* GARBAGE TO YOU.
I WANT YOU TO TRY. I WANT IT TO ALWAYS BE ME AND YOU FOREVER.
But you cant even think long term with me.
You cant ******* open up your eyes and look at me for a couple of seconds and see a girl that wants you for eternity.
I guess your too busy looking the other way at other girls. maybe.
While you think about wanting other girls, I think how much I wanna build a life with you.
While you talk bad about me, I talk about how much I love you.
The world will only seem lonely and useless if I didnt have you.
You make me feel so alive and dead at the same time.
Why cant you just see that I know what I have and I dont want you to leave me. not ever.
Why cant you take your head and turn it towards me and feel me.
Feel that I want us more than anything.
I want you no matter what.
No matter your flaws or ******* moves.
Why cant you see that I've had a hard life and I finally found someone who makes me want to live.
Why cant you see that you bring hope to me.
You cant see that you gave me the best gift ever.
You dont get it.
You're too busy listening to what others have to say.
Im your girlfriend. All i want is for you to be mine forever.
Why are you breaking me.
Jonathan, why do you have to do this to me.
I am so tired.. I am so exhausted.

i always take a moment out to look at my boyfriend. i mean REALLY look at him. i focus on the way he talks, the way he moves, the way he reacts to things, the way he watches tv, the way he touches me, etc..  the point is i love looking at him and everything he does. i love focusing on the way he kisses me and other stuff. it makes me realize how amazing he is even if he upsets me sometimes. it makes my love for him grow. i dont think he ever notices. lol.

You never liked my ring with the little bow on it because you always thought someone gave it to me. Which isnt entirely true considering the fact that someone had to give it to me. So, I threw the ring into the highway. My grandfather gave it to me. But now its gone just like he is. Man, i really love you Jonathan.

hey dad,
im 16 now and im falling in love and if i get married one day you wont be the one to walk me down the aisle.

well, i want to live an excellent life. i wanna be able to go to sleep with a smile and wake up with that same smile. maybe a smile brighter than that. but if i dont, then i hope you're there to help me regain my smile back. i guess what im saying is that an excellent life is a life with you. life has fears but its so funny how my fears revolve around you. i fear of falling in love. i love you now but if i feel myself falling. my feelings will be so much more stronger than what they are now and if i lose you i guess i'll feel like dying because when we have our temporary breakups i feel like i lost my world. i dont plan on losing you and if somehow someday you catch me off guard and leave i guess that will be my fault because i didnt try too hard. but im going to make sure you stay because i know who i have and who i have is so ******* amazing and brilliant.

my mind has an abundant amount of words piled ontop of my brain waiting to be reconigzed
my mouth opens to speak these words to you but nothing never seems to come or flow out right
but truth is you make feel like manhattans lights
because you make my insides burn
and that might sound horrible but it feels good and you make me feel like my favorite candy  because you make me feel so sweet but once the candy goes down i feel like nothing and nothing is how you make me feel. you have a toungue made out of blades and it cuts me very deep. sometimes you leave me there feeling so alone and cold like winters most harsh storms and you can be so bitter sweet because you make me hate myself but i love you. and sometimes i feel like we're up high but down low. you make me feel like a better person. you made me believe in myself even through my darkest nights and now i can fall asleep okay.
you make me lose my mind but you also help me find it and this is very ironic. just like my hatred for you  turned into love.
i feel safe with you and i feel real.
like everyones words cant break me because sometimes you build me up even though other days you knock me down. i love you and i love the fact that we arent easy.
A.M.

This year I have met a boy.
I havent met him for the first time.
I mean I already knew him.
Then I began to learn more about him.
He really made my heart skip.
Im not too sure how to explain how I exactly feel about him, but in my head it is much more easier to justify.
It all really started in the cafeteria, then in english class.
english class was my favorite class because of him.
he would stare at me and it would make me feel insecure.
his kisses stole all the air out of my lungs and his lips were as sweet enough to give me goosebumps all over my body.
when he holds me i reach for his hand so i can hold him too.
when i hold him i burry my face into his shirt and i try to study his heart beat.
he became my talk all night boyfriend and now i guess, my only friend i feel like i have.
sometimes we argue and it kills me.
but now when he looks at me i feel so much more secure
and now when i hold him i feel as close to him as his heart beat.
he taught me that its okay to love and not be scared about it. i think thats so beautiful of him
and i do love him
once i had so many fears,
the only fear i have now is losing him.
he keeps me sane.
i love every part about him and one day i hope to love more things about him.
i forgot to metion,
i hated him one year with all my guts
now i love him with all my heart. ugh,
the irony.

You used to let me roll in the front with you.
With the windows down low.
Music and our favorite shades on.
You would ask me all these questions and id be so annoyed to answer them.
I would help you plant flowers in the backyard and I used to hate it.
There were way too many bugs in the dirt anyways.
We would go and play the lottery together and I remember I won a couple of bucks.
You asked me if I wanted to go collect the money.
I said no because if im going to win, im going to win big.
I got my poetry published and you bought the books.
You made me sign the book and I felt so famous.
You used to sit me on your lap and you used to play this game on my back.
It was relaxing and soothing.
We would cook together and I would bake you sweets.
You used to drive me to my orthodontist appointments and you were so amazed of my braces.
One night I got called in and mommy told me you had cancer.
She held me in my arms and we cried together.
We took a long nap and I felt like **** after.
I tried to see you as much as I could but every time I saw you I would step out and cry in my moms arms.
Then they announced your death.
I swear I died too.

I hated you.
you hated me.
you began to like me.
I began to fancy you.
you picked pretty flowers for me from strangers lawns.
it smelt so beautiful.
I smiled as I sniffed the perfume from the flower.
Your hazel eyes watched me.
I never saw someone look at me the way you do.
and I never will quite understand why you look at me the way you do.
sometimes I feel like when you look at me, you're starting to hate me again.
but truth is I fell in love with the way you look at me.
I fell in love with the way you smile at me.
I fell in love with the way we click in the rain.
but I haven't yet fell in love with you.
and if one day I do, I know I wont be your first.
but my god, I hope that I can be your last.
I'm looking at the flowers you gave me and man, they still smell so pretty.
and my heart kind of hurts.
because im afraid that maybe i can never be good for you.
I really want to be good for you.
Im broken and damaged because of my past.
and sometimes you don't make me feel any better.
but most of the time you do.
i have so many fears when it comes to you.
like i just don't want to lose you.
i swear every time i kiss you im afraid that ill lose you.
everytime i hold your hand im afraid you will let go forever.
but forever is what i want with you.
forever is what i feen for.
just for you and i.