well, i want to live an excellent life. i wanna be able to go to sleep with a smile and wake up with that same smile. maybe a smile brighter than that. but if i dont, then i hope you're there to help me regain my smile back. i guess what im saying is that an excellent life is a life with you. life has fears but its so funny how my fears revolve around you. i fear of falling in love. i love you now but if i feel myself falling. my feelings will be so much more stronger than what they are now and if i lose you i guess i'll feel like dying because when we have our temporary breakups i feel like i lost my world. i dont plan on losing you and if somehow someday you catch me off guard and leave i guess that will be my fault because i didnt try too hard. but im going to make sure you stay because i know who i have and who i have is so ******* amazing and brilliant.

my mind has an abundant amount of words piled ontop of my brain waiting to be reconigzed
my mouth opens to speak these words to you but nothing never seems to come or flow out right
but truth is you make feel like manhattans lights
because you make my insides burn
and that might sound horrible but it feels good and you make me feel like my favorite candy  because you make me feel so sweet but once the candy goes down i feel like nothing and nothing is how you make me feel. you have a toungue made out of blades and it cuts me very deep. sometimes you leave me there feeling so alone and cold like winters most harsh storms and you can be so bitter sweet because you make me hate myself but i love you. and sometimes i feel like we're up high but down low. you make me feel like a better person. you made me believe in myself even through my darkest nights and now i can fall asleep okay.
you make me lose my mind but you also help me find it and this is very ironic. just like my hatred for you  turned into love.
i feel safe with you and i feel real.
like everyones words cant break me because sometimes you build me up even though other days you knock me down. i love you and i love the fact that we arent easy.
A.M.

This year I have met a boy.
I havent met him for the first time.
I mean I already knew him.
Then I began to learn more about him.
He really made my heart skip.
Im not too sure how to explain how I exactly feel about him, but in my head it is much more easier to justify.
It all really started in the cafeteria, then in english class.
english class was my favorite class because of him.
he would stare at me and it would make me feel insecure.
his kisses stole all the air out of my lungs and his lips were as sweet enough to give me goosebumps all over my body.
when he holds me i reach for his hand so i can hold him too.
when i hold him i burry my face into his shirt and i try to study his heart beat.
he became my talk all night boyfriend and now i guess, my only friend i feel like i have.
sometimes we argue and it kills me.
but now when he looks at me i feel so much more secure
and now when i hold him i feel as close to him as his heart beat.
he taught me that its okay to love and not be scared about it. i think thats so beautiful of him
and i do love him
once i had so many fears,
the only fear i have now is losing him.
he keeps me sane.
i love every part about him and one day i hope to love more things about him.
i forgot to metion,
i hated him one year with all my guts
now i love him with all my heart. ugh,
the irony.

You used to let me roll in the front with you.
With the windows down low.
Music and our favorite shades on.
You would ask me all these questions and id be so annoyed to answer them.
I would help you plant flowers in the backyard and I used to hate it.
There were way too many bugs in the dirt anyways.
We would go and play the lottery together and I remember I won a couple of bucks.
You asked me if I wanted to go collect the money.
I said no because if im going to win, im going to win big.
I got my poetry published and you bought the books.
You made me sign the book and I felt so famous.
You used to sit me on your lap and you used to play this game on my back.
It was relaxing and soothing.
We would cook together and I would bake you sweets.
You used to drive me to my orthodontist appointments and you were so amazed of my braces.
One night I got called in and mommy told me you had cancer.
She held me in my arms and we cried together.
We took a long nap and I felt like **** after.
I tried to see you as much as I could but every time I saw you I would step out and cry in my moms arms.
Then they announced your death.
I swear I died too.

I hated you.
you hated me.
you began to like me.
I began to fancy you.
you picked pretty flowers for me from strangers lawns.
it smelt so beautiful.
I smiled as I sniffed the perfume from the flower.
Your hazel eyes watched me.
I never saw someone look at me the way you do.
and I never will quite understand why you look at me the way you do.
sometimes I feel like when you look at me, you're starting to hate me again.
but truth is I fell in love with the way you look at me.
I fell in love with the way you smile at me.
I fell in love with the way we click in the rain.
but I haven't yet fell in love with you.
and if one day I do, I know I wont be your first.
but my god, I hope that I can be your last.
I'm looking at the flowers you gave me and man, they still smell so pretty.
and my heart kind of hurts.
because im afraid that maybe i can never be good for you.
I really want to be good for you.
Im broken and damaged because of my past.
and sometimes you don't make me feel any better.
but most of the time you do.
i have so many fears when it comes to you.
like i just don't want to lose you.
i swear every time i kiss you im afraid that ill lose you.
everytime i hold your hand im afraid you will let go forever.
but forever is what i want with you.
forever is what i feen for.
just for you and i.