Simon felt a strong loathing for his words each time he remembered what he had said. In those moments of pure silence while the engine of his brain was fully recollecting all of those thoughts and words which he had said in an encounter before, he not only loathed the words but himself as well.
Meeting friends for Simon became odd moments in which he would take a glimpse of all that he wasn’t and all that he thought he was. Existence became a blur of negative thoughts, self-destruction and commiseration for self.
Although individualism in Simon had always been a growing bloom, it is bizarre how it seemed that all of it was buried by simple fears, which had let their clever roots. It had seemed as if, if possible at all, Simon was going through a stage of puberty all over again. He was too old for luxury of puberty as an excuse.
Chances and circumstances aligned to form a path, which had transformed this once strong-minded person into a pondering imbecile whose behaviour resembled of the one of a chameleon. He became aware of qualities in other people, which he thought he could acquire. Interestingly, many of these were characteristics, which were highly accepted by society or on the other hand were not in a traditional sense and seemed to be very popular.
It is obvious that Simon has no idea of who he is and what he does. Words from his mouth were not parallel with his reality. He spoke of plenty of things and ideas, however it started to sound as if he had memorised a text for which he thought was a golden mean of where he was in those moments.
Daily obsessions became related with his physical appearance, his impressions on others and nervous chaos in which he was living. Reflection on the other side was disappointing to him…
He needed to think, gather some constructive thoughts and think about all this. After all he was clever in a way. There had to be a way in which self-confidence could be built again.
Sometimes he felt as if he was to be in a play. As if his real life characteristics were to be transmitted into one of the characters. Who would he be? What would that person be like? Unfortunately he wasn’t able to answer. There was doubt with every depiction, all of it was uncertain to him.
Was he running away from who he really was, in order to built himself into someone he wants to be? This could easily turn into a vicious circle, of changing personalities often.
In order to come closer to understanding who Simon was, or who he seemed to be, it is vital to understand that at this moment Simon wasn’t able to recognise love at any form anymore. Fears and ideas of conspire multiplied like microscopic cells, it was a matter of seconds. The lightness of love, which so alluringly enriched his days as if each day was a life of its own, put in the most blunt way was eaten away.