yesterday, i dreamt of you again.

and as i wonder today,
i realise that slowly but surely,
youre slipping from the crevices of my mind - like how sand slips right through our fingers,
like how the marks we leave on sand gets washed away by the waters

and i wonder,
why is it that i make you to be such a huge part of myself and my life,
when you might have totally forgotten about me?
why is it that after this whole time, my mind still wanders back to you from time to time,
more often than i wished it would?

why is it,
and how is it,
that after all this while,
i still allow myself to feel such unworthiness,
because of you?

you know, it seems like we tried a gazillion times.

you know, despite that, we don't seem to be working out either.

you know, even though we talked it out and tried to work this out, somehow, we have been slipping out of each other's lives. -

i stopped being the person you went to when you were happy and when you were crying, and you stopped being the rock and home i once saw you as in my life. -
it's upsetting and heartbreaking, really, that you were the person i thought i'd see come during my funeral.

that even though we may be a thousand miles apart, the chemistry between us would never die and that even 20 years from now, we could and would finish each other's sentences.

so now that i realize i don't know single thing about what's happening in your life and vice versa, i'm beginning to see that *maybe even though we said we'd try, even though we said we wanted and needed to work this out, maybe it's not possible.

maybe too much time has passed for us to catch up on.

maybe the gap between both of us has gotten too huge to bridge.

maybe you've given your everything to your new home and that i don't mean a thing anymore.

maybe  unknowingly, you've rooted out all that you planted in me and my life, along with all that i gave and *all that i had, to someone else, to somewhere else.

**but then again, maybe, hopefully, i'll be proven wrong.

but on some days,
it gets harder and harder to breathe

on those days, you feel
as if the wall is closing in on you;
as if your lungs are being filled with acid;
as if someone's suffocating you;

you try to gasp for air -
however little the amount

but, you feel as if
you're still underwater;
you're still drowning;
you're still swallowing gulps
and gulps
and gulps
of water with a tinge of salt in them;
as if someone's holding your head down;

but then you realise,
there was no one there,
and
*it was all your own doing.

missing you doesn't come in flashes;
it come in waves and tsunamis,
which whirls my emotions into a mess

missing you comes like a hurricane;
it ***** up each and every part of my soul,
making me merely an empty shell of what i used to be

missing you comes like an earthquake;
the ground shakes and my fingers quiver,
and i'm swallowed whole even before i can scream for help

you made me whole;
you made my body and soul ignite with fire and passion,
you made me feel like i was whole all along

you made me feel;
the feelings which rarely surfaced in me - happiness, overflowing joy -
i felt it all
but you left,
and you took them all with you

you were a galaxy filled with stars;
you entered my life when it was a sheet of black
but you left,
taking even the moon which would appear on some days with you;
you took them all

i gave you my everything;
everything i could
everything i had
and when you left,
you took them all with you

and so now that you're gone,
what am i?