How many years will I never get back

How many laughs can I no longer grab

How many friends have I forever lost

How many chances out the window I've tossed

How many opportunities are passing me

How many fires I'm too blind to see

My hormones

I despise them

Happiness

They accept none





I have ran

But not away

Out of sight

But not of mind

Still it stays although I try



Why I flee

From the misery

I create

With thoughts sedate

I do see how it's insane



Insanity

(Define, can thee?)

Does describe

All that incites

Acts of me to run and hide



Tooth crescents

Outshine darkness

Like the Moon

But yet it soon

Be destined uncovers gloom



Nervous eyes

Poetry writes

Itself and

Block off it can't

Silent cries nothing can stand



Oh! poems

The rules of them

None. But still

I fail to spill

Emotions that slowly ****





Insane is it?

To run from things to sate the cave

For fear of drowning again?

You say insane?

I have blocked it twice more before

So pushed light from going in?

It is insane?

Do things that I have done a ton

And wish for a different end?

My poetry

reflects like broken glass

and a sheet

I'm talking to the air

about my regrets and mistakes.

I'm talking about how I

tried

to do something and all it did

was make me feel more

lonely.

Because I has made mistakes.

Because I was a fool.

Because I was too weird or strange

or something that repelled people.

I'm talking to the air

about that time I talked to my

school counselor

and how I instantly regretted it.

Because she didn't have my wishes

in mind.

She had the law in it

so she did things

I didn't want her to.

I'm talking to the air

about the mistakes I still hate

about the girl three years ago

that got me birthday presents

and I never got her any

because I was afraid to show my

affection.

And now she's gone

leaving me thinking about what

an idiot

I was.

I'm talking to the air

about this:

poems will not change one thing,

that this is slowly breaking

my mind

because I keep thinking

that this is slowly breaking

my social life.

But for some reason I don't want

to stop.

I keep talking to the air

because it listens.

The meadow was that of much beyond compare

Outlined by a blue line that cut off the air

Hardest soft brown eyes that set off a flare

The heat was worth being exactly right there

My Reason and Sense, the water did not spare

Until the sun set, and left the land all bare

Left me with nothing but at darkness to stare

And building wishes for the curtain to tear



But the Moon had risen, with luring brightness

Gave light to the water: then full with darkness

A colorful face crafted with such finesse

Such a light through my black; I could not wish less

Finite or not; loved the feeling regardless

But I was cursed at the same time I was blessed

Moons don't always shine, and it caused my great stress

So I parted the Moon, which I think it best

I'm thankful it had been there, nevertheless



I parted the Moon; the sun began to rise

And so did the flutter of the butterflies

And heated that which could have turned into ice

Roses in a field that was soaked in gold dye

Like the hue of the sun that flew through the sky

But I've forgot the joy I feel when I fly

And now I wonder, "Should I even try?"

'Cause each Day just leaves me with tears I can't cry

Wonder is far beyond any feeling

It's the bright leaves parting the sky as seas

It's the magnet called curiosity

And expands a void that isn't filling

'Tis too, quite a bumpy path to healing

That I never cross because Fear drives me

And so the path fades and I take my leave

Head back to my unseen world of hurting



Pain pounds me when I find myself alone

Mound of blankets doesn't work anymore

Writing unsent letters can't numb the hurt

Learn to fly passenger; mostly solo

Overlook in wonder the sea of orange

Unable to describe all my wonder

I concede I shall never be a truly happy man. I'm disregarding and empty of faith in everything; Any God, humanity, and love. I've tried to mask myself as much as I can. But the mask I wore is gradually peeling. My days of trying are exhausted and done.



Now I'll surrender any control of my Self, but not my body. Drift along a river that's flowing past. With battle scar to commemorate the times when I still loved and for Love I did try. But I've lost the war and the sky is foggy. The exile of my own soul unto me is cast. Glance back at the gates; far through them, it's reminiscent of when I had flied.

That little piece of

glass

had the power to pull

everything in me

down

Eighty years old
with frazzled white hair,
Sad because I
am pining for air

I hold Happiness on my back

I bought it how we make it.

But I keep fumbling and stumbling

through the world

because this Happiness doesn't fit on my back.

Through fruitless attempts

I drip gallons of sweat

to lift this Happiness onto my back.

For it was manufactured in squares and boxes.

Time to make my own.

Do you feel the blades in you

The sharp pain of the knife

Aching as you build up to have

Your king's hand touch the sky



All the blood in the meadow

For gods, for goods, for gain

How many on the battlefield

Were so mercilessly slain



We live in the result

of thousands upon thousands

of years

of pain

and sorrow

and effort

and intellect

The wait is much too long for me to bear

A laugh eclipses a diminished mind

Temporary joy that is soon to die

Crying on the shoulder made up of air

Pile blankets and wrap your arm 'round it

Share your feelings to the void as you sleep

Getting by, by faking the things I need

Like a magnet, it just pulls me right in



But even if all I do is glance left

The water and love; within they are kept

Like a magnet, it just pulls me astray

Farther and farther until I give up

And my only chance is gone all because

I hesitated the whole year away.

I'm taking a break
Need to organize my thoughts
And think some things through

Her mother never loved her

At least she never showed

Never asked her daughter's feelings

So Love, the girl didn't know



My mother can't understand me

She doesn't know how I feel

And so she often yells my faults

So I hide from what is real



I never could handle children

My attempts for empathy fail

My daughter screams she hates me

And fights me tooth and nail

Like beyond the sky

It's unknown

Why? I ask

Why am I such a mess in front of people? Why am I secluded from society and all its norms?



I understood why I had wanted to die last year

I understood why I feel things

I understood down to the chemicals in the brain why....

Except why does my rational being fear others?

Why is that  humans are the magnet of my disarray?

Like the exosphere it's knowledge obtainable by not man nor woman nor self.

And then she placed her rainbow broom

With colors across the spectrum

Leaned it against the kitchen chair

As her face grew very solemn



"Wash away the grime!" she says

Grasping the dripping mop

Soft and hard, wet and dry

She coats every exposed spot



Her face while working, 'tis so solemn

Watching the colored bristles drown

In soft and hard, wet and dry

And slowly but surely go brown



Soft and hard, wet and dry

Yet the children do not cry



They know how to laugh and play

Even when the sun's away

Nothing changed when I write poetry

I can pour my heart into fourteen lines

I can spend eternity on these rhymes

Doesn't cure what the **** is wrong with me

Even if it takes me a thousand years

To write a sonnet to express my pain

My attempts for relief are all in vain

Still I try to hold back my ******* tears

Who really cares that I wrote this sonnet?

What would have happened if I had done it?

Things this year are what brought me to the brink

How painless: the absence of emotions!

Such relief's an incredible notion!

Already I'm aching to cease to think.



Crawling to the cliff

I know I've been here before

We'll see how it goes

Anger is a retort blocked by coercion

Like I want to just hate

And hate

And hate her eternally

I want to despise the sheer shadow of her

Until light is absent and the world drowns in shadow

I want the cruelty and bullying

The patronizing and lying

The hatred

To be fired in a beam right back at her

No, not waves

A beam

A powerful, blasting

Beam

That spews and spews every word of disgust she's shot at me

And bombard her with her own words

Let the pain fall on her like stones to the skull

To finally get through to her head

Finally for her to understand

I'm not just a lifeless shell

Although I know I'll be fine after her yelling,

I can only leave her yelling smiling

(The other option is crying)

Because she will not ever understand

No one will

Because her coercive power blocks my anger

The new moon's arise

The waves are starting again

I find my self at the main office

But never do I go in



I feel all alone

Like I have lost all my friends

Why will I not see my counselor

When a storm's 'bout to begin?

I thought they'd help me calm the waves

But they only sped them up