Like beyond the sky

It's unknown

Why? I ask

Why am I such a mess in front of people? Why am I secluded from society and all its norms?



I understood why I had wanted to die last year

I understood why I feel things

I understood down to the chemicals in the brain why....

Except why does my rational being fear others?

Why is that  humans are the magnet of my disarray?

Like the exosphere it's knowledge obtainable by not man nor woman nor self.

Nothing changed when I write poetry

I can pour my heart into fourteen lines

I can spend eternity on these rhymes

Doesn't cure what the **** is wrong with me

Even if it takes me a thousand years

To write a sonnet to express my pain

My attempts for relief are all in vain

Still I try to hold back my ******* tears

Who really cares that I wrote this sonnet?

What would have happened if I had done it?

Things this year are what brought me to the brink

How painless: the absence of emotions!

Such relief's an incredible notion!

Already I'm aching to cease to think.



Crawling to the cliff

I know I've been here before

We'll see how it goes

It's weird how last year

I cried because I'd

A soul sheared alone



And yet now I've felt

Quite fine when I try

For true solitude



Strange 'tis: I find bliss

In wind that did spin

The storm of great form

Why

Does my sad mind belie my life

In such a way like that of flames?

For

The side of mine that cries I try

With much in vain to flick away

Though

Inside it hides, alive in spite

The hutch that reins it far from day

Perfect for jackets;

live rainbows laced with gold that

fills my library.

I concede I shall never be a truly happy man. I'm disregarding and empty of faith in everything; Any God, humanity, and love. I've tried to mask myself as much as I can. But the mask I wore is gradually peeling. My days of trying are exhausted and done.



Now I'll surrender any control of my Self, but not my body. Drift along a river that's flowing past. With battle scar to commemorate the times when I still loved and for Love I did try. But I've lost the war and the sky is foggy. The exile of my own soul unto me is cast. Glance back at the gates; far through them, it's reminiscent of when I had flied.

The wait is much too long for me to bear

A laugh eclipses a diminished mind

Temporary joy that is soon to die

Crying on the shoulder made up of air

Pile blankets and wrap your arm 'round it

Share your feelings to the void as you sleep

Getting by, by faking the things I need

Like a magnet, it just pulls me right in



But even if all I do is glance left

The water and love; within they are kept

Like a magnet, it just pulls me astray

Farther and farther until I give up

And my only chance is gone all because

I hesitated the whole year away.

I drew.

I drew with the shapes I've learned to make everything of.

These shapes could be used

On a canvas absent of boundaries

And I drew

I drew of love, and hope, and suicide

An art that depicted loss, and solitude, and desperation

And all of this and nothing changed;

I knew not one thing more

Except I was given another thought

To pile upon the mountain of them

That drowns the whole sea of them

And soars through the air that was clouded with them



The thought?



It was love

That I had hoped

As I once contemplated suicide



The cure of loss

Of people and solitude

That made me living desperation



I would say I like to only think about things instead

But if I were to once listen to my feelings,

Well,

I would say not one single lie was etched here.

When the day rains

The sky is crying tears

Tears that have fallen

For thousands of years



Tears of billions of souls

The sky cries them all

Some of them are yours and mine

So let them fall, just fall



The sky picked them all up

From the ground where I wept

Let fall the ones formed from

The pillow upon which I have slept



Allow these despaired waters

To wash away your pain

As you cry your own tears

That will soon become rain



Rain is the name

We call the sky

When the dark clouds fold

And it starts to cry



And soon the long-kept sorrows

Will all be washed away

As the rain sprinkles your face

On a wet crying day



A rainy day

Washes the pain.

Did you notice the sky was gray?

Did you notice their shoes today?

Did you notice those old rocks?

Did you notice your own thoughts?

Do you notice the wind in you hair?

Did you notice the birds over there?

Did you notice how you smile?

Did you notice your clothing style?

Did you notice the apple tree?

Did you notice the grass was green?

Did you notice the teacher's pants?

Did you notice the minute hand?

Did you notice the shade of their eyes?

Did you notice how you cry?

Did you notice the cleaning staff?

Did you notice your neighbor's laugh?

Did you notice?

A crescent moon was outshined by all the lights

Even the noise of my own thoughts was almost drowned

It was freezing

Near zero, wasn't it?

There was actual ice in the river!

But my body felt aflame

And it just took half a second.

The cage was flooded with the rushing black

With only two small holes to drain it through

Reach, but in vain; grasp only the untrue

Loves and smiles, which in pure I have lacked

Reach! But in vain! For the the fruits are too far

One must crack the wood that surround their Self

Your consciousness, into which you must delve

And then, you'll find the true person you are



I've began to break the walls that were built

However I felt nothing but clean guilt

I was forced to spill the water on those

Who chanced to be close to me. I'm sorry.

It's more stressful than I'd hoped it would be

But now I guess I'll just see how this goes

Hundred degrees

Under the blistering heat

And all I feel is cold



A melodramatic

Extreme problematic

Most of what I'm told



Vacant feeling

Empathy failing

My cracked and hardened soul



A lone old stone-cold soul

I've a library full of memories

With a key for every one

Play the key watch me lose

My senses into the sun



The moments of silence

And I walk among the shelves

Wandering these lost times

I can hurt or cure myself



The first few notes begin to play

My heart begins to race

I redden as she looks at me

With a smile on her face



Across the table from me

With ice cream in her hand

Two years and I still miss her;

But she's no longer my best friend



The first verse rings in my ear

Before it's even there

I see the Pennsylvania hills

And feel the humid air



Listening to my music

Gazing through the window a lot

Hours I'm stuffed in the car

Listening to my thoughts



Now the bridge has come

Walking away from my home

Tears are in my mother's eyes

As she sees how far we've grown



It's my first year of middle school

And I'm a nervous wreck

The future is so cloudy

I don't know what to expect



The tempo builds and he is there

My first ans closest friend

We play together in the sandbox

But our bond was soon to end



It's the last base drop

And the winter's a sharp chill

I have a sled under my arm

As I look far down Cobb's Hill



The final keys are struck

My hand ***** into a fist

As I feel the rushing anger

And see the blood on my wrist



Only a few more seconds

The song is almost done

I feel the breeze as I bike

Under the scarlet sun

I thought they'd help me calm the waves

But they only sped them up

I had a fear of a fire

That would melt my heart

which would pour through the lids of my eyes.

An energy to push the Invisible



But this morning I saw a new side



A flame that was warm but didn't burn.

Helping wash away and

Release the air



I'm falling

Or am I floating?



And then I saw what was missing.

And then I saw what I missed.



The piece of my world to keep it whole



Will I land? Or won't I? I'm close to it now.

Will I land?

Or won't I?



And the thing that I felt when I saw the new side

Was what was in the sky when I saw the Earth

The new moon's arise

The waves are starting again

I find my self at the main office

But never do I go in



I feel all alone

Like I have lost all my friends

Why will I not see my counselor

When a storm's 'bout to begin?

I made a map over the summer to an unknown treasure.

I didn't know how long the trail was.

Wednesday I left the map for a jewel I see in the grass.

Why?

I was hungry with no food.

I don't even know if the gem is fake or cheap

But yet I left the map to find out the jewel's worth.

Eighty years old
with frazzled white hair,
Sad because I
am pining for air

old faces.

new experiences?



I was expecting

when I

moisturized the soil

when I

shined upon it light

and planted

the seed....



I was ready.

It didn't grow.

But I'll give it time.

For I know it

takes it

(Even though I can't

stand it)



So I'll just wait.

I have patience.



I'm still waiting.