I guess I shouldn't feel this way, I shouldn't feel bad.
Crying wasted tears over something that never was and never will be.
We didn't matter, we were never supposed to matter.
You didn't care and I certainly wasn't supposed to.
We were having fun, or at least that's what you called it.
You were coming from other beds back to mine,
or going from my bed to others.
But, for me it was my very own practice in masochism.
The other girls didn't hurt me the most.
It was the times where you would forget you didn't love me.
We would be laughing, playing, kissing, joking,
And for a split second, a brief moment in time, we were happy.
Then, this wave of realization would come over your face,
Completely washed clean and devoid of all elation that came before it.
And you would remember;
Remember that you didn't want me, that you didn't need me.
Those were the times where I stitched yet another scar into my skin.
It wasn't your fault though, you told me you didn't want us.
Sure, I was led on by enough half-truths and vague semi-promises,
But I was the one to fill in the rest with what I wanted to hear.
I knew the time we spent together- even the times when I was naked,
in your arms, resting my head on your chest,
were little more than tiny wisps of smoke,
that I was trying to hold on to forever.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other;
I'm trying to fight my instinctive desire to be hurt and walk away.
I've allowed this game to be played for far longer than I should have,
but I can never seem to stay away from you long enough.
You have this power over me; this power that I have given to you.
So I am asking, pleading.
If you cant love me all the way, all the time,
Then please let me go all at once and for good.