i should’ve told the cop
that stopped us at that gas station
told him you were hurting me
instead of love and dedication

an old man driving beside us saw
you put your hand around my throat
i knew i wasn’t safe anywhere
i was only your egos scapegoat

but instead of unraveling it all
the beatings and the bruises
i told the cop the old man was wrong
we only held hands on our cruises

in the beginning you would smile
tell me how much you cared about me
with a tender grip on my neck
what a surprise that you’d end up choking me

the kisses turned to yelling
and the yelling into shoving
you’d throw me on the ground
and then tell me that you loved me

you always knew what to say
this typical abuser behavior
you could and did break my nose
and id label you as my savior

off and on, on and off i took it
i didn’t tell a soul until
it went too far and i couldn’t see
my nose bled on my steering wheel

now i wonder how it’d feel
to brave up and break your ******* face  
with every automatic flinch i hate you
you should be a domestic abuse case

it’s been days, months and years
since i was your punching bag
i should’ve known from the beginning
but me “in love” missed the red flag

i hope someone beats you
five times as hard so you see
blood and bruises, unable to breathe
just like you ******* did to me

someday there’s gonna be a world
sun still shining, people everywhere.
but it won’t really be my world
if in fact you aren’t there.
someday there’s gonna be flying cars
and so much futuristic ****.
i don’t think i’ll even want to breathe
because without you, i hate it.
someday there’s gonna be love
covering me like a blanket
but it’s going to be in the form of death
so finally with you i can make it.
someday i’m gonna be alive
and sadly, you won’t be.
i don’t know if i could life a life
without your wisdom guiding me.
someday i’ll get the worst news
i’ve ever gotten in my life.
and i might blow my brains out
but i’ll meet you in the afterlife.
someday i’m gonna meet you
peacefully in the devils grip.
maybe we could do something together
new drugs, mushrooms, maybe trip.
someday you’ll be ahead of me
just like you always were.
four years older than me
but in death we will concur.
someday i’ll kick the ******* bucket
not long after you do.
because this world is a ******* mess
and i don’t want to live without you.

im forever losing people in my life due to a mental illness that was bestowed on me at birth
I am trying hard to keep things consistent
bonding with people over ****** up emotions isn't enough to
make them last in this lifetime
bingewatching tv shows with characters that are the only friends
that won't betray me or leave me when im manic
I didnt sleep for three days and my mind was so exhausted i felt like I was normal again but I dont know
how to function without my morning cigarette