Don’t think I don’t care.
It matters to me how you feel. What you’re thinking. What you consider and what you ignore. I’m always thinking about what makes you, a person to admire. A person that inspires and brings joyful life with their presence. I’m hopeful you care too.

Brings warmth
The chance for life
Unbiased Chaos
Lethal yet nurturing
Don’t get too close
Don’t stay away
Feels like hugs
It can melt me
When I’m cold
Or lonely
But when it’s done
It becomes a chasm
A void of life
Negative time and space
Tunneled elsewhere
Into a positive plane
Beyond the physical
Where physical is distorted
What gives life, can ****
Be mindful
Of a star to a planet

Always changing, but forever present. All your phases are appreciated. I have to look for you sometimes, even when you’re hiding in plain sight. You’re beautiful all around, even if you’re slowly going away. Even if you’re gradually pulling away, your gravity will never fade. I’ll always look for you, wherever I am in life. From sunsets to dawns. Open eyes and yawns. I’ve dreamt about you. Even when I’m unconscious, you still have a way of entering my mind. Mi luna bella, te envidian las estrellas.

Everything will be ok.
Not right now, but eventually. When things take a turn for the worst, they get better. When things seem down and below, the only place it can go is up. You must take the good with the bad, the smiles with the sad. One day you’ll look back, but keep it pushing forward. Don’t live in the past or the future. We live in the present, so savor the moment. Don’t let anyone stop you, and don’t let memories haunt you. Be hopeful for what’s ahead, because one day you’ll be dead. I don’t always believe what everyone tells me. But I believe you.

Meds help, sometimes at least. I forgot them today. Anxious if I do, anxious if I don’t. Duality of human nature. I’m too conscious. I pace in a small space and the world collapses into itself. I’m certain I’ll die in a couple seconds. I’m sure this time, I’ll die right here in my own mind. There’s no escape, but I can still leave. Not sure if I’ll ever feel better, until I do. Then, I can breathe again. Now every breath I take is less painful than the last. And my heart begins to relax, after running away from my problems. My hands no longer pulling at my hair. My palms still sweaty and my nose cold as ice. I can’t sit still or my heart will stop, or so it seems. Otherwise, I’m ok. Deep breaths to remind myself, I’m alive.
And that’s ok too. We only die once, so I remind myself to make it count.

Here I am breathing. I woke up once again. I wish I was still sleeping. They say sleeping is the cousin of death. I’m not afraid of living or dying. I’m scared of feeling. Loss and suffering. Love and joy. To really live, you must nearly die. I’ve never felt so close to living. There’s a saying in Spanish. "El que tiene miedo a morir, que no nazca". I was born, but why? It’s just another day.

Unbearably humid. Beaming sunlight piercing thunderous clouds. Falling thousands of feet on my skin. I hope it washes away the sins of man, the pain of women, and the need to feel loved. For now, life is flourishing. But I’m patient.  Anticipating autumn’s return. So I can feel cold and numb again.

Pens and markers. Old receipts.
Gum wrappers. Her boots.
She could throw anything,
and I’d be okay with it.
To harm me? Or a playful gesture?
It doesn’t matter.
Throw it with all your might,
just mean it when you do.
She could throw herself,
and I’d catch.
But please,
don’t throw this away.

A complex entity.
She’s a strange one,
Misunderstood.
Sailing and floating,
in the vastness
of nothingness.
Immortally mortal.
She will never die,
until she does.
How a jelly floats.
At the surface,
and in the depths.
In the absence of light,
illuminating.
In plain site,
yet hidden away.
A sentient being,
but unconscious.
She is graceful,
the way she is.
Among a jellyfish
Is what I wish.

These marks on my skin,
Reminiscent of
teeth and sharp nails
Digging into my arms.
With no effort,
you created hope, with pain.
On my left index finger,
Pealing and bleeding
For what seems like eternity.
I’d bleed out for you.