Meds help, sometimes at least. I forgot them today. Anxious if I do, anxious if I don’t. Duality of human nature. I’m too conscious. I pace in a small space and the world collapses into itself. I’m certain I’ll die in a couple seconds. I’m sure this time, I’ll die right here in my own mind. There’s no escape, but I can still leave. Not sure if I’ll ever feel better, until I do. Then, I can breathe again. Now every breath I take is less painful than the last. And my heart begins to relax, after running away from my problems. My hands no longer pulling at my hair. My palms still sweaty and my nose cold as ice. I can’t sit still or my heart will stop, or so it seems. Otherwise, I’m ok. Deep breaths to remind myself, I’m alive.
And that’s ok too. We only die once, so I remind myself to make it count.
The mind is powerful.