Depression, Depression the feeling of emptiness always a challenge to fill it with happiness. One of my favorite songwriters is Nick Drake his somber yet powerful lyrics about not be able to connect with people and depression really helped me in times of personal trouble. I was diagnosed very early on in my childhood with depression I started reading a lot listening to music looking outside my window watching the other children play knowing how I would not be able to connect socially. When my parents divorced I realized that my life began to go in a downward spiral then I discovered Nick Drake. I felt connected to him in some way as if I was a incarnation of him. When I listen to his music I feel the same sense of hopelessness the same feelings of isolation. At times I feel stronger for going through this permanent pain but then I think to myself what of my future. That question races though my mind it almost like its making me a restless ghost during those cold dark nights. Through my high school years I still felt the same isolation with people as when I was a child. But the big difference was that I didn’t place a big smile on my face when I knew everything was not alright. This time I expressed my feelings in a more mature and realistic way. I started to write a lot in my spare time I usually wrote a lot of isolated characters trying to find that source of happiness that would free them of their personal pains. Once I wrote a short story about a girl that I fell in love with being a huge fan of F.Scott Fitzgerald I described the main character as the girl all the boys want but can ever have. With a combination of Nick Drakes lyrical style and F Scott Fitzgerald’s plot structure I wrote a love story that defined my inner feelings that I couldn’t really express with verbal communication. Sometimes I believe when people socialize verbally it establishes a more meaningful connection but for me developing socializing socials wasn’t so verbal but it was with writing and listening to music where I developed a sense of identity that was a real morale booster to continue living life with the aspirations of success and personal happiness.

I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. Cause how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your ***

I hear the drums beating a long the ****** city
Hearing only the whispers of strangers
I hear only hear talk of war and misanthropy
Nothing good on the news
Fear and panic is rampant through my mind
The complacent the happy ones hope for the better future
and here I am seeing the evil side of humanity
the apathetic side of humanity
the falseness the false hopes
the ugly truth falls on my head like the mid morning rain
it’s like yesterday my friends withered away
I feel this sense of estrangement for others that i can’t begin to fully understand
it’s like a never ending maze that is making me a blind social outcast
breaking me down to my very foundations
stirring up my inner feelings of anger ,hate ,self destruction
detesting logic for emotional rage that I somehow need to tame
thoughts expectations emotions racing through my ever vulnerable  spirit
I gradually become more withdrawn from people as I age
I see sometimes only frauds and selfishness
fates knocking down at my door
is there a bright essence of happiness that I will find a long this peculiar road called life ?
am I meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way...... these thoughts are racing in my awakened mind but in vain I’m silent

Love in essence is the value of dust beating along the dunes of oblivious desert
I see the shores of neglect beating along the desolate beaches
solitude is crashing through my ever weary soul  
the lively feeling of the ever brilliant sun
pierces my visions of incantations
sounds of voices coming up from the chasm
speaking of the love long lost in the midnight
beating drums of the sinful fabricator haunt me now in my waking hour
only in shame and anguish i shall flee
how queer that one must think about the inner feelings of alienation and self doubt
I feel like I’m in this rapid change of emotion as time goes merrily by
The lucid point of my journey in this ever changing existence is nothing but an illusion for vanity and self hatred

Memories drifting along in the harshness of winter but also come back at the dawn of spring
The journey to a concrete existence is one a being cannot finish
These thoughts run through my mind in a effort to convince myself that somehow my life will end up having a purpose or an explanation
Explanations full of doubt and obscurity these thoughts and memories which make my question my creator my self worth my fundamental personal traits that i have created for myself
In life there are journeys that are never concrete the answers to the question are never clear as the summer rain
These journeys, memories and thoughts are what makes enigmatic living a work of obnubilate art

the sentimental death wish as i think of your dark flowing hair in the gusty winter midnight sky makes me think of my frivolous existence i look to the somber night for quandaries of life love and happiness i find the moon light exacerbating the adulation of those dead light brown eyes yet with such a effervescent nature to those dark dreary eyes my voice sprouts out infatuation comments words to memorize then i lose myself in the sudden chill of the night i forget my judgement in the brilliance of the morning sunset the beginning of a brilliant love the beginning of something graceful graceful as the first blooming of a flower during the dawn of spring yet still clinging to the harshness of the winters chill.

I want to break down the walls of vanity it is the cause of my destitution I have the mindset of a man who has lost all sanity and self worth walking along the needles of self doubt the pain I feel upon my feet the unforgiving object piecing my reality creating an imperfect image in an inhumane existence is my life bound by the creeping feelings of isolating thoughts or is hope just above the horizon shining with a brilliance that man can only begin to comprehend

The more we deeply Love the self, the less we will feel hurt by the lack of Love from others. Deeply loving the self, is not about love of the Ego, its about allowing the Ego to open the door to the Soul, where we explore our depths, our darkness and our light, our wisdom, our truth and our inner beauty.

she walks along the sun beaten path she clears my heart of all the sorrow and stress her eyes crumble my very foundations she is the one that has the bright soul that shines above all the rest she could is the love that stops wars she is the love that great writers only can dream of she is the love that is irresistible in my mind i walk the dark streets and i see her a beacon of light pushing away the darkness