A demented perception deeply distorted.

The carnival mirror that is his mind.

He is stuck on the wrong side of the one way mirror.

Loved ones shouting from the other side,

Proclaiming and preaching high regards.

But their echos fall on deaf ears.

It is all so plain to them, standing outside the box.

How can such a beautiful person,

Full of such passion and pride for others.

Forsaken themselves with simple haste?

Silently he sheds tear after tear,

Longing for the lust for living as others do.

Jealous of their jovial smiles, full of warmth.

Undeserving, his minds stomping down upon the notion.

What makes you worthy of what they cherish?

His heavy heart burned with an unknown sense.

This longing to be lighter,

No longer buried under the bricks of its mind.

He found himself lifting a hand.

At first gently brushing the beast he called his reflection.

Momentum gaining, he pressed against the perverted image.

And as if from the distance,

Voices began to fill the space,

What little spaces his silent tears had not filled.

That demon inside his mind cried out,

LIES! LIES! We do not deserve.

But the percussion of loved ones' cries,

With years of persistence and perseverance,

Had left the carnival mirror cracked and weakened.

Exploit the weakness, whispers his heart.

Finger clenched, so hard the nails cut his skin.

A fire rages deep now.

Rattling his soul and showering off the dust.

Powerful passion filled his once heavy heart,

Lifting a body brought down to its knees.

Raising an arm as if in triumph.

Forcing skin again glass with a thud.

With each blow the lines grew,

Engulfing the man staring back at him so clearly, for so many years.

With all his might it seems futile,

This empty place is where he shall remain.

Slowly his hand finds his side,

In the cold collection of tears still rising.

Deafening defeat echoed in his ears,

And as he lay his head down,

Against the ghastly grin of the monster taunting him.

CRACK!

Freely falling, in to open arms.

His friends and family there to catch him.

Flaccid from exhaustion, he paid no mind.

To the shards of glass scattered in his skin.

Mementos of a time not to be forgotten,

Remembered but not feared.

With the love of self, we shall conquer.

But it is the love of others with which we will endure.

From beyond the darkness, brilliance shines through. In times of turmoil, a blazing fire ensues.



Against God’s will the fight grows stronger, until his light shines down on him. The greatest of mysteries this man lives, all the time just behind the curtain a cold world has put up in front of him. A shadow still moving, he is brushed aside, and when the light goes out there remains an invisible figure no one can see. An ever so lonely tide rolls overs him. Heavy waves of remorse and self-hate crush a body made feeble by sharp words others throw through his soul.



There he stands with arms spread in loving embrace as the pain engulfs each fiber that is his being. How can anyone pursue a life torn to shreds by other and places in to the fire by their own hand? Absently resting his skin against the blazing coals, scars laying proof to habitual abuse. Yet still he stands his ground, unchanged and unmoved. Seemingly content in a dark world surrounded by happiness he has alienated himself from.



This small black-hole of sorrow is his heaven. Empty inside, no matter the amount of poison dumped in to it. The replacement to a missing piece belonging in his heart, never will it truly be whole again. An insurmountable torment for any single person to bare day in and day out, let alone to embrace with open arms as a mother would their newborn infant.



Ask. Ask the one question. The single word. Why? An honest question he even ponders at times. What if it is because of lovers past, an open heart that once was whole but broken by someone so beautiful it hid the monster inside? Or could it be, as strange a theory as it may sound, that he is this world’s sponge. Wondering through a world tainted by the evil humans are cursed with, to take away the pain that smears the clouds to obscure the sun. What if. A saint of subtle sorts who travels in the shadows others create and wipes away the tears rolling off every beautiful persons’ cheek.



How absurd each of those sound. Pathetic is the first and self-appointed righteous man made by the second.  Fittingly, a man on the brink. Living on the edge screaming empty threats in desperation for attention. Child-like attempts to create self-indulged happiness, lasting mere moments with an after-taste of bitter betrayal for those who fall victim to the boy crying wolf.

That empty space left in my heart

Staring me down each day

Every second cutting deeper

My soul slowly fading

Since the day you walked away

Endlessly searching for the one

Who fits in my arms

As perfectly as you did

Caramel colored hair, caressing

Petite shoulders that create perfectly

A beautiful frame in which sat

The face of an angel

Who broke down weathered walls

With a brightly lit smile

An eloquent touch, strong and delicate

That washed my wounds clean

Her kiss

So soft and sensual

A blissfully sweet waterfall

Warming a cold heart once shut from the world

Not a day, passing by ever so slowly

Will that image escape my mind

Countless girls pass me by on the street

And each time I look away

Fearful of seeing you in their eyes

As if I'm trying to place Cinderella's slipper

On someone else' foot

Already knowing the face of who it belongs to

Surrounded by people, I feel so alone.

Left in a hole, deep dark and cold.

My hearts on my shoulder, looking to leap.

But defenses are high, there's no place on my sleeve.

I know it's not right, not safe.

My past and my fears keep me acting this way.

What needs to be done is screaming at me,

That talk show's on mute, And reception is fading.

Change may be a constant, for better or worse.

I swing between them though, like a pendulum.

Some improvement, then slow destruction.

The highs and the lows, it comes with the turf.

This is my gift.

My Curse. 

Thoughts and fears becoming an obsession

Flowing like the sea

Beautiful waves creating what lies before me

Or untamed power

A force of Destruction

Worries of where it will take me

Dragging my life down in the undertow

Uncontrollable

Unpredictable

Something that has the power

To push me far

Help me arrive in paradise

Will also take me down

To a cold, dark hell

Silent and alone

Overbearing pressure collapsing my lungs

Slowly stealing the warmth from my soul

It can make me feel alive

Or steal the life from my body

With each day, each hour, each moment

Not even the Lord knows not

Where I will end up

Wars may rage.

Times will change.

A breaking point my body will soon discover.

Yet through trial and tribute I will remain true.

For beside me walks an angel.

She gives me strength when I am weak.

In times of doubt, she is my courage.

When the world starts to crumble around me,

In her arms I can always find shelter.

But through it all, one wish escapes my grasp.

To take away the pain I see inside your eyes.

Your smile, so radiant and pure, may hide it from others.

Dearest girl, let down your guard.

Lay your head upon my chest,

Let my heartbeat drown out the doubts your own mind screams in your ear.

The serenity you bring to this world once dark and clouded with pain,

May I bestow just a glimmer of the same light in to your own world now.

For you I would walk through fire.

Never bat an eye at whatever it is you could ever ask.

I fear I will never have the capacity to show you what it is I feel.

To portray my gratitude for blessing a poor fool with a second chance.

Saved I was.

Blessed I have been.

Gracious I will always be.

I will forever hold you in my heart and soul as each moment ticks by.

For what little it may be worth.

I love you.

I wish I could write songs to move you

To sooth you

Rid your heart of all this pain

Make you see all the color in this world again

If only I could show you how much you mean

The ever lasting effect you have bestowed upon this dark place we live in

Your mark isn't unnoticed

Admired by many

Envied by more, stuck looking in from outside your presence

Words escape me to express how I feel

I know I am not alone in this ordeal

A crowd has gathered, before my entrance and still more staggering in after me

Seeking shelter under the wings of an angel

Barricaded in this place so comforting

Safety envelopes us, now knowing we will never be alone

You take the brunt of what a cold world throws at us

Keeping us warm, out hearts beating stronger

Unable to notice yours slowly fading

Our blessed joy enraged in us, strengthened by the smile you put forth

Deafening us to the silence held in your chest

Dear love, Fear not

We hear your absent cry

To be held and be saved, embraced in the same love you so freely give

Open your eyes now, and meet ours with your beautiful gaze

See the open arms waiting to embrace you and bring warmth back over you

For all the lost souls, seen and unseen, that you have saved

You're beautiful in so many ways

I wish I could make you see

I can only hope to bring a little light in, to brighten your darkest days

I love you

It's that bottle of pills I'd like to take

Staring me in the face

The easy way out

My Great Escape

Their evil encapsulated

In a small white cylinder

Sin ripe for the taking

A joy ride with no happy ending

Temptation brushes her soft *****

Gently across my cheek

But entombed they remain



Pain never ending

Motivation for resistance



To be felt by those held close

Dearly beloveds who matter most

What unknown effect is felt

Worth many times over

The suffering endured by an early end

By an absence of impact

Never to be known

By those still to learn Life's little lessons

The hole left unfilled

Weary wisdom left piled next to it



So silently war will rage

Rapture my soul

Tainted with the blood my heart beats

Behind closed walls

For none to see

Blissfully they remain ignorant

It is safer this way

A silly little pen trick

One I'm not sure I will ever fully master

Still reminds me of you

That beautiful smile you hid behind

Caramel colored hair

Eloquent curls but wicked and twisted

Just as the lies you fed me

Those petite hands

Soft and delicate

Pulling me deeper with every touch

Your tantalizing curves

Spun a web that caught me naive

I called myself the Devil's son

Found in the presence of God's favorite Angel

The bullet that damaged your wings

Causing you to fall from Grace

High upon that unreachable pedestal you stood

Looking down at all those I placed below you

What a child I had been

Even when you went away

Never to return

At that space you left in my life I knelt

Praying to whatever god may listen

To bring you back

And the delusion of happiness I felt was real

Blinded by a cruel light you'd shown so bright

A shrine I had built all this time

Following a distorted religion

A delicious poison served at too many services

No longer will I follow a path with no end

The ice you left on my heart has melted

Relapsed from the addiction you created

Finding happiness without your presence comes easier

So as I twiddle my pen

With more failures than successes

A smile crosses my face

For as I walk my new path to my dreams

I will fall numerous times

But with each rut that brings me to my knees

Never again will I be reaching for an absent hand

It will instead fall in to the open palms

Belonging to those with true beauty and real grace

Caring for a broken man

That offered pieces of his shattered heart

To a hungry crow, calling itself an Angel

Encouraged by their hearts filled with everlasting love

For they were the spark

That lit my own hearts fire

Flames rising higher and higher, lighting up this world

Lending warmth to all, and those who lent me theirs for too long

It is my turn to shine

So from your shadow I step

In to a brand new world

Mine to create

Mine to shape

For true Love to Live

That title wave coming fast

Tsunami of emotion crashing over me

Drowning my heart

The tears hidden behind water rushing over me

Endlessly churning, rolling

Rising to the surface, a feeling of warmth

But quickly sinking to the dark depths

Cold and empty

Fighting a battle

One I fear may soon end

Slowly the pressure collapses my chest

How much longer can I hold fast?

The will to continue draining

As each beat of my heart grows weaker

I'm tired of the games

The circles run and old tricks stuck on repeat

For all its worth, what little that is

Time after time I have ruined something pure

Taken what was bestowed upon her

And tossed it right back in her face

Evil and corrupt I walk this path

Some kind of monster I have become

Second chances pass me by

Almost daily it would seem I ignore them

My salvation stands beside me all the while

Ever the more I push it further away

Crash and burn, let my fire die slowly

Unprecedented disregard

Where is the cliff that should lay in front of me?

Down this path so absent of light

Soon I should be forgotten

Lost in a place no one will find me

Better will I leave this place

No longer tormented by my ways

Lives left to happier days

Selfish, twisted and wicked

No one left to burden

On myself it will all lie

Turned inward to destroy its creator

I missed that ship

Watched it set sail without me

Childish fears held me back

So like a statue I stood

As you boarded

Heading to warmer weather

The better life we both yearned for

Fulfilling dreams without me by your side

A single cloud has flown in

Positioned over me with a heavy rain

But it hides my tears

As you slowly fade in to the distance

So I wish you pleasant travels

And happier days

Waving goodbye

As my heart cries out for you

I just hope you always remember us

Send a postcard from Paradise

Two small letters

Alone with little significance

But when paired

Carry heavy consequence

Repulse and rejection

Persuasion and promise

A single syllable that

With impeccable timing

Can ignite  powerful fire

But first that leap

One of faith and blind abandonment

Must be taken

To go

Where many have gone

With dreams of different results

To break down walls built strong and high

A hard earned twinkle

Gleaming in her eyes

That smile so sharp

Cutting sweetly deep

Releasing the **** holding back

Everything in life you wish for

Before you I stand

Heart pounding heavy

Ready to leap from my chest

With one thing on my mind

A single statement to be made

Not that your elegant beauty brightens the world

For that is an obvious truth

This statement is much simpler

Bold and beautiful

If uttered correctly

As I bring myself to meet your eyes

Deep like the sea and powerful

Like the waves crashing on the shore

My lips part

"Hi."

And the world falls apart in a moment.

When your guard is down, as you step back to admire what beauty has been bestowed upon you.

In that moment, power beyond measure becomes real.

Pain and disappoint crash over you

Bringing the strongest to their knees

Darkness rains heavily on the heart

But in the darkest hour we find light

Shining in the hearts

Of caring individuals who give meaning

To a world apparently cold and empty

They share their strength

Bare your burden

Lift your chin and open arms wide

Wrapping you in Love’s warm embrace

Picking up the pieces scattered

Filling in the missing piece previously unseen

Completing the puzzle you once thought was complete

A beautiful masterpiece

Cohesive and full of life

Peace.

She carries me higher

Lifting me past the clouds

Beyond anywhere I've been before

Higher we fly as the moments pass

I gaze longingly

Watching her every move

Hopelessly waiting for recognition

For her to feel my presence

This blissful trip has taken us to a new place

Never ending abyss, filled with twinkling lights

Surrounded by stars I feel myself shrinking

Beauty casting shadows of doubt

She's finally home

Too big for the place we left behind

A place that had felt too big me

"Now departing all return falls"

Slowly reaching my hand out

To place it upon an angel's wings

But she's just out of reach as I begin to descend

Slowly returning to the taciturn world

Too recently I found myself absent from

I attempt to call out her name

But no words are released from my lips

An unfamiliar angel without a name

Without even a glimpse of her face

She never even knew I existed

So closely I followed, for so long

Finding myself left falling

No one around to catch me

Picking up speed at too quick a pace

Why people fear the fall

I never understood

A magically peaceful time

The weight lifted from the heart

Like a feather the soul softly flies

How this magnificent ride ends brings worry

For the fall may be sweet, sorrowful ecstasy

But the landing may shatter what remains of me