soul spilling cash shelling
water wrecking—
I speak to the fears that live in
the basement of my heart
we are quite cordial
although they’ve become strangers
as I explore this new life cracked open
“don’t you miss it all”
it’s hard to miss a life I never truly knew
I accept these faults although
I do not live with them
with new favorite spots
healthy habits
and personal “quirks”
I peel back a little bit of skin everyday
I choose to share my fragile moments
because I know…

I am strong enough to let someone in

“I say you do it”
something I never thought I’d hear
come out of my mother’s mouth
“we don’t know what tomorrow looks like..”
and it made sense
sometimes I wish it didn’t
I don’t know what tomorrow will look like

740 days
17760 hours
1065600 minutes
63936000 seconds

I knew I felt off
it was the day after
I should have known
I forgot...

It is no longer a battle
I used to have to convince myself
people say follow your heart
my heart says

don’t respond
don’t look
don’t answer

I didn’t
I don’t
and I haven’t

for a very long time actually

and when it crossed my mind
I don’t have to convince myself
my body tells me no
it tells me in the empty stomach feeling
the ear ringing and small tremors

it reminds me of crying on the floor with my mom- she held me tight
I wanted to die, I begged to die that night
it hurt far worse the second time around

hurt enough for me to let go

my heart, mind, and body decided it was time

often times I can not feel my own existence
it makes me feel rather numb
other times I really want to die
those thoughts remind me I am alive

the hardest pill to swallow is realizing
that people who don't get obsessed with you
right away means they aren't looking for someone
to make them feel good
this means they're actually looking at you for you
who you are
then you realize that everyone who got obsessed wit
h you immediately was just because of how
you made them feel
not because they actually loved you

I think it is more of laying in bed with a person
you are no longer in love with and searching
for every reason to stay as they each
dissipate before your eyes...
everything once admirable now sending
you into a deep dark you've never discovered.
knowing all of it I stay,
I know sooner or later
I'd turn into you..

I told her that she looked pretty today.
she scoffed and continued on with doing her
makeup in the mirror.
her smile slowly began to inch upon her face
beaming back at me in her reflection.
pools of hazel, honey I am home.
she cared so much...
her sovereignty lied in the depths of words
--commonly not mine.
I often wished she could see herself
the way that I saw her.
it felt like it was always 13:1
a constant losing battle
I knew I wasn't going to be enough

"good morning pige"
with a soft kiss on my forehead
I opened my eyes to see you in uniform
ready to leave for work
4:47am
I closed my eyes for what felt like
a few minutes
6:51am
I put on my sweatshirt
and leashed sadie
I went to the kitchen
you brewed my tea...
I stepped out the back door
to the beach and felt myself melt
I haven't felt so safe
to be fully known and
truly loved

I remember frantically calling you
every what if thought on my mind
it was very much unlike you to not answer
I came up the steps to the house
I could see you dancing with my mom
from outside the living room window...
hearing laughter and shrieks of happiness
I had not seen her smile like that since I was young
my mom still talks about you sometimes...
sometimes I think she mourns more than I do

I think we are all still healing from it

I played in the woods today
I sat myself on a board and grabbed what came to me
the picture I created is irrelevant
the time I spent in this spot is prime
for an hour I messed with
sticks, twigs, weeds,
and what looked like to be old flowers
as I just played, I noticed this is something
my younger self would have enjoyed
back then, I wouldn't have been so much
on the cleanliness of things
now, I use a stick to smooth over the
dirt to save my hands from filth
as I resurfaced, I felt high
I felt in the earth
an hour went by while I was away
only with her
I think about life at times
thought about the next thing
to stick in the ground
then thought of nothing

although you almost killed me
you gave me a reason to live
not the life you wanted-
but one where I am truly myself

I stood up to go on a night stroll
overwhelmed and anxious
you insisted on coming
you knew it was something I did by myself
although you came- you were silent
with no pressure to perform or explain
you held my hand and kissed my shoulder
an hour and a half went by and you said
"we are here... whatever it is.. we will be okay".

"are you doing alright? I haven't heard from you in a while"
my mother texted me and I finally realized
when I enjoy my life - proud of the life I live
I capture it like it is the first time
text, photos, videos, phone calls
whether I have done it a million times or not
photos on trails and outlooks, the smallest good news,
phone calls that last for hours and hours
"hey mom! look at this! look what I did!"
sometimes even videos to pick out my outfits
others would say a bit naive
October rolled around and I realized
it only took two for me to no longer be proud
no text, no photos, no videos, or calls
I was no longer me

I know why the moon chases the earth
with the smallest rotations -
staying far but never quite moving on
the pull is just too strong to leave
waiting for an eclipse just so they can pass
each other one more time and remember
who they used to be

I can feel the presence of a person in
the room before I even open my eyes.
it often makes it hard to sleep at night.
I can not have a roommate.
I do not have a roommate.
I have always flinched a little harder than I
should -even as a child
I actual prefer to drive in silence
I hate for music to take the
space of my thoughts.
I check my watch four times
one for time
one for heart rate
one for time
one for heart rate
I am timid around alcohol
I retrain from partaking,
it reminds me of February-
I do not like the month of February.
I check my mirrors four times.
center, right, left, center
I write more than I could ever say.

"is there anything in my teeth?"
"no, but they sure are perfect"
you sure know how to be a kiss-***
I scoff but smiled- it kept me calm
I love how you care about the things
you know that are important to me
"hey mom, there is someone I want you to meet"
go big or go home, right?
you two spoke for hours
I've never been so happy to be the third wheel
a few mojitos too deep
I couldn't help but admire
the two women I love the most
love each other.

I missed this

she smokes blue american spirits and has a tendencies for a few bar fights
her smile makes up for it though
a whole lot of attitude but even more heart
some would say a lover and a fighter
she goes quiet sometimes but
it just means she’s soaking in life
she loves her family, the beach, and quality time
all in a bittersweet way
she plays cold but the truth is told at nightfall
heart beating honest conversation
to show we are both strong

strong enough to love