sometimes that’s all I remember
the purple and red lights
***** before noon
and empty pill bottles
people liked me the most back then
I sometimes think that was the problem
they liked me the most
I don’t think they ever knew me

being sober gets quiet

I like this life

the sober one

soul spilling cash shelling
water wrecking—
I speak to the fears that live in
the basement of my heart
we are quite cordial
although they’ve become strangers
as I explore this new life cracked open
“don’t you miss it all”
it’s hard to miss a life I never truly knew
I accept these faults although
I do not live with them
with new favorite spots
healthy habits
and personal “quirks”
I peel back a little bit of skin everyday
I choose to share my fragile moments
because I know…

I am strong enough to let someone in

It has been two years without you
you may not be the one I walk
down the aisle for -
but you'll be the story I tell
my daughter after her first heartbreak
the story of a girl I lost too soon

often times I wake up sweating
still stuck in my nightmares
ones where I rather die then
remember those experiences
they leave me still for hours in
a pain more agonizing than grief
I was strong enough to leave
although I am still fearful
combing gravel out of wounds that
I never asked for
now I have to prepare myself
for the conversations about the
scars that are left

“I say you do it”
something I never thought I’d hear
come out of my mother’s mouth
“we don’t know what tomorrow looks like..”
and it made sense
sometimes I wish it didn’t
I don’t know what tomorrow will look like

covered in sweat
I plopped onto the hardwood floors
what felt like hundreds of boxes
all done in a few trips
small cobwebs in the kitchen
and dust in every corner
although daunting
there was you
and every day ahead of me
laid out like a golden brick road
a house
a dog and cat
a healthy life partner
all in a brand new city
I smiled
the first of many

last laughs have never been my guilty pleasure
but recently - I smirk
I did not wince
I do not know which I like more
I sat and read over the same words
ones that are hard to believe
not because I don’t believe you feel them
but because I know you felt that
way about yourself far before I came along
so recently - I smirk ,
I did not wince

I do not feel guilty

I did not wince