i decided to change my hair,
in denial
that was the beginning
of my spiral.

stroking my long hair,
sitting in a leather chair,
pondering why i’m alive,
she asked me ‘why?’
‘it’s just too much’ was my reply.

and when it was over,
and the apron came off,
the girl cutting my hair
told me she felt
that i had a sweet spirit.

maybe
she doesn’t know
who she is
because
all of her childhood
she was handling
the weight
of being someone else
while neglecting
the weight
of becoming herself.

it is painful
when you sit high above
yourself, looking down,
and begin to see
the creases of your personality
unfolding before you.
like entire chapters
of a book in which
the pages had been stuck together;
a once incomplete storyline
coming together.
one crack of the spine
and suddenly
newfound pages
are pulled apart
to reveal once hidden,
yet the most intimate,
details of a story.

sifting through old clothes,
i enter a museum of self.
costumes of my past
hung up on display.
as i touch every fabric,
i’m reminded of each story:
the character,
the cast,
the script,
the stage.
it is the wardrobe of
a washed up actor who was
ever yearning for the applause
of her audience and
the praise of her critics.
all those years she wasted
losing herself in roles,
in the demands of characters,
now collecting dust within a dark closet.