pandemonium

pandemonium Aug 2013

I’d like to think there’s nothing wrong with me
but every time I look in the mirror,
a mess is all I see.

Who is this girl with curly black hair
that runs down her shoulders like angry waterfall
suffocating her every night as she sleeps alone
but to be honest, there’s not much difference
when they were your hands around her instead.

Who is this girl with coal-like irises
that thinks she’s already dead, that her soul ran away
just a ghost in a body not knowing exactly what to do
quietly roaming around this deceitful city
but they are honest and they see, the monster in you.

Who is this girl with light, bleeding, soft lips
fumbles nervously around everyone she knew
tripping over her own words, about you
struggling to align her messy mind
because it’s always havoc at the thought of you.

Who is this girl who pulls sleeves over her fingers
a constant lie of “I’m fine” to whenever anyone ask her
they try to make her out, another sad girl with cuts over you
but no, not this girl, she is sad with bruises that can’t be seen
bruises that blend well with her porcelain skin.

I am that girl, one who sees perfection in everyone but herself
no matter what anyone tells her, it won’t be enough
I can never have enough of something good
because everything that comes with it,
requires a high price of sanity to pay.

pandemonium Jul 2013

This is why I hurt

I sit out on the roof at night
contemplating my insignificant existence
after being proven time and time again
that maybe I’m not meant to be here
that maybe I’m undeserving to breathe.

Tell me, father, what good am I to you?
How much worth am I to call myself your kin?
Hush but by not the words and actions of yours
I hide my anguish behind bruises you won’t see
maybe you never will see.

The world is not meant to serve you
you are not king neither are you of such relation
your deem for wishes upon silver and gold plates
but rather you treat it quite a lot like ****
just as you treat me the same.

I’d prefer it if people know me for having your temper
possibly the only feature I’m proud of, the fear
though to prevail it brings me nightmares
you taught me in ways that you are not the teacher
and I earned it in ways that it wasn’t such a prize.

The clouds I exhale are chilling
just as my pretty little heart is an iceberg
sinking, sinking, sinking…
I have nothing to live for, much less you
I keep myself warm, splitting my knuckles into two.

pandemonium Jul 2013

Self-portrait

I am that girl you often see in the library
her glasses left on one side,
eyebrows furrowed
you always see her writing something-
so focused on her little notebook and pen
you'd think she didn't see you
as you look away, she lifts her head
her eyesight isn't very good but you'll see
she looks rather out of character and you'll think
she didn't see you, not without glasses on
but she did and little did you know
she's writing about you now.

pandemonium Jun 2013

Time

How long has it been
since your black tourmaline eyes
met mine, a long-forgotten coal
all burnt and dead of its use;
very much like the owner.

How long has it been
since your ice cold touch
sear at my hot as hell skin
against each other, so imperfect
yet we are of no danger to each other.

How long as it been
since the murmur of your melodic voice
entwined with my out-of-place tune
be it bickering
or a symphony played on the *****
haunting, yet soothing
as we will always go together.

How long has it been
since the silent treatments that will
usually end with an "I love you"
and the ear-splitting shatter of glass,
screaming anger that whispers "I love you"
wind their way across our lives?

Far too long, far too long.

This is on my main, I just want to put this on here as well.

pandemonium Jun 2013

Together Apart

You were the type of guy that girls hear about
surrounded by other people, almost always never alone
but even so, your voice remains a mystery.
You were the type of guy that girls swoon over
but it’s hard to pull you away and get to know you
your smile and laughter render them all in wonder.

I was the type of girl that guys hear about
from one friend to another and it goes on
but I walk these streets alone,
passing by the people I know
who don’t know me.
I was the type of girl that guys talk to
one of the boys, they call me
sometimes I'd lose myself around them.

I had the privilege to know you
our first class together, we were put into a group
I had not expect you to call my name
(but I wanted to call yours)
and as cliché as it sounds,
we spent a night of studying and laughing
and evidently falling in love
(without us knowing)

We made time for each other and became close
many times I admit, I forget that you weren't mine
(but it felt like I was yours)
too soon, time faded away
I found myself clutching onto you when time pried my fingers
shocked as I was, you were holding on to me too
yes, we fell in love in a way that it was too soon, too fast
we broke without sparing any cuts of our shattered emotions
I want to say that even now as we are glasses apart-
our love still reflects of each other.

Once upon a very long time ago
I didn't know you, or you I
we were strangers walking these ruined roads
and we happened to bump into each other
so we ventured to infinity together
not knowing where we’re heading, to be honest
we talked about our past, and our future
never did we realised that in the present
our past brought us to our future
so here we are, together but apart;
you are that type of guy that girls swoon over
and I am that type of girl that guys talk to.

pandemonium Jun 2013

Chance

I know you saw me as I walked
past by the cafeteria
unlike how I am usually,
I didn't turn my head to look
I know you were hoping I did,
I know.

The reflection in your soul
I can tell you were miserable seeing me
like this, as I am, alone
though I've let you go
with a willing heart
I don't regret a thing;
I still think you're bound to me
you just won't let go.

I want to ask,
do you miss the right side of my figure
where you used to stand?
Your shoulder friction against mine now
the warmth of our friendship
slowly freezing
here I am, a changed soul
telling you to move on,
like I did
not because I wanted to
but because I needed to.

Forgive me if I sound heartless
but you no longer mean anything to me
I was the chance that flew
right in front of your eyes
in slow-motion
you missed it,
you missed me;
so here is my goodbye.

pandemonium Jun 2013

Identity

A word of advice: don't ever tell her she's a daddy's little girl
funny isn't it when she speaks of her dad,
she sounds like every other normal girl
that it would never come across your mind
she would be the one who receives the beating
when he's angry, whether at her or someone else.

She loathes him with all her heart
and I kid you not, this isn't a mere exaggeration
but believe it or not, she is very much like him
though she refuses to believe or admit it, she is.

They say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
she is as hot-tempered and stubborn as he is
her hands are as fast as her mind, once you **** her
she won't think twice about laying her hand on you
bear in mind that her petite figure aches to hurt
the pain she absorbs is greater when released.

"Like father like daughter" they love to claim
but she is nothing like him, like a shadow she resembles
only his physical traits and they're what she's known for
though her heart is ice cold, breathe a little fire to it
it will melt, she likes to think they're stone cold
but you'll be surprised at how sympathetic she can be.

She is bulletproof, her heart heavy on lockdown
nothing can hurt her worst than the tyrant in her house
but she endures and she triumphs and she learns
her fortress stood tall, guarding her from enemies
her mind seems to always be at war;
does she want to grow up to be like her father?

I always feel like I am two different souls in a body
I have the devil's fingerprints but the angel's persona
resides in me as well, and they're always fighting
at times, they get along and I am in peace
though my blood taints of my father,
I am not like him
but let me take you back to the start;
maybe I am a daddy's little girl.