It sounds ridiculous but only I feel productive when I'm doing nothing.
Sitting back, just relaxing.
Popping blue beans, burning bowls of green.
And just thinking.
Daydreaming about how things could have been.
How things could still be.
But how things will probably be.
Just close your eyes and let music be your guide.

Entire lives constructed and played out
in grand fashion. A world so detailed
I would rather get lost,
And never come back to this travesty of a society,
so raw and primal.
so human.
My world is so beautiful and yet so depressing
because it's what ours could be, but never will become.
Anything to distract me from this.
The 24 year old burnout grinding through school because there aren't many options left.
So where will I'll be in 5 years?
I wont.

9.27.13: like lightning, i am stricken by fear of
the unknown. i remember feeling my legs burn
from running so hard away from you. i expected
you to walk into my arms and tell me how you
are so excited to finally meet me. it didn't happen.
12.21.13: the smell of you inflamed my blood, and
i smelled your skin days afterward. i remember how
stunned i was when i finally seen you face to face.
did you notice how nervewrecking and surreal it was
or did you just want an excuse to throw me aside?
2.21.14: the adrenaline numbed out the pain i got
from falling into the cactus and gravel, and i wish
i didn't run from you that day. maybe everything
could've been different. after punishing myself
by clawing at my skin until my legs were red, i
felt that same adrenaline inside of myself.
3.14.14: that day alone was the first day i recieved
solace, but i noticed i never got it in full. i decided
to build up walls while anxiety helped block out
the part of me that still remotely cares about you.
i can't even trust anybody anymore. that's sad.
3.18.14: my boyfriend told me you asked about
me when i left without telling anybody about
it. you heard right, i puked and cried over porcelain
because i felt so uninvited. you didn't look my way
once. you saw me as another cactus, another tree,
another tumbleweed. i know you didn't want me
there, you wanted to be with my boyfriend.
3.19.14: my boyfriend told me to talk to you, that
you've changed now, but i haven't had you fight
for me yet. you bothered him for days about being
friends again. how should i know you want to be
friends with me again? maybe i want you to fight
for me first until i succumb back to you again. my
anxiety won't even let myself get near you again.
you fought for my boyfriend even when he ignored
you, and i know that's not something you'd do for
me. i want that ******* solace from you already.
3.22.14: i don't even want to see you this time around
until i receive closure and answers to know how you
really see me. i am tired of fighting for you and getting
nothing back. i am done fighting for something that
doesn't even want my friendship. i will always have
a piece of you in my heart. i'm so sorry for everything.
3.29.14: i can't tell if i'm the accomplice of the crime or
the victim anymore. i seen this coming from a mile away.
i wish you would see the imperfections in people.
4.20.14: GET OUT OF MY LIFE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
YOU HAVE ALREADY TURNED ME INTO A MONSTER.
IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER, *******. YOU COMPLETELY
TORE THE VITAL COMPONENTS OUT OF ME. *******.
6.8.14: between you and me, i promised everyone a lie, that i
would stop running towards you and start running away.
seems like you were too afraid to raise your voice to us.
WE CANNOT IGNORE THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
7.17.14: today, you added me. i'm not sure if it was out
of respect or out of spite. you deliberately plan on bothering
me when my heart is in it's weakest state. i'm just hoping the
third time's the charm or the three strikes will rid of you forever.
7.21.14: my body is trembling underneath the weight of fear but
something is telling me it's going to be okay. i can't accept it.
you spoke to me for the first time after a few months. i missed
your voice and the way it said my name so casually when my
voice trembles when i speak about you.
7.22.14: i'm not sure if i can do this anymore. i don't know how
you feel about me and you claim it's okay but it isn't. i cannot
help you anymore. i'm not able to be there for you anymore.
this pain of not being able to help you is completely unbearable.
9.14.14: it's been around two months since i last really thought
about you. if i have, it's been unconscious slivers, unconscious
mentions, unconscious dreams. this time, they faded out.
this time, it got easier to cope without you. this time,
this is the ending of that painful chapter.
10.5.14: maybe if we met under a different
circumstance, i wouldn't be asking your
friends for advice since i can't follow my own
i miss you and i always will most likely
11.7.14: these legs they tremble when you
open your arms and let me in like an old
friend this body is not used to you yet
11.10.14: "you know who my best friend
is?" i said in a joking manner. as easily
as i said that, i heard you say, "me."
my body stopped in time, it warped back
to the times we were happy, where we
were best friends telling each other secrets
and keeping each other in our good dreams
and preventing from being in each other's
bad dreams. as much as i'd like to admit
that there is something there, i couldn't
lie to myself about what we are. there was
nothing i could do to take back the no that
spilled from my mouth and *******, it
hurts sometimes having a back burner
stance, being a mere shadow to you feels
like i'm kissing my fear goodnight
11.16.14: i told you to put your sheath
down, that this heart-to-heart wasn't
going to **** us, but it was to create
us. words of poetry spilled from my
lips and my eyes and you cleaned
it up. imagine that a few months
ago. i destroyed the dragon, and
may have saved the maiden for good.
11.27.14: giving up on you became an
option but now it's not. you are now a
password i can't decrypt. you are a birth
mark that i want to scrape off but can't.
it's like i already know that feeling is
back of doubt and i fear if you end up
confessing he will still want you around.
i will have to put up with it even on my
worst days and let's hope i can do it.
11.28.14: i haven't pulled an all nighter
in awhile but my god when you snore
softly beside me, i am suffocated with
sadness. my engine is running on low
but it is struggling to stay strong.
1.6.15: i am the epitome of a pause screen
or a riverbed that dried up. letting you
consume me was the silliest idea i could
muster after all of this waiting on the side
of the road, hoping you would give me gas.
1.7.15: i hope to leave you back in 2014 where
you belong, because there is no room in this
chest for you. i can be happy without you.
don't you dare get close to me again.
2.2.15: today is your birthday.....happy birthday
since saying it on your wall is improper for how
we are right now. it reminds me of old times,
when you wished me a happy birthday and
two days later, dropped me from existence.
4.26.15: isn't it funny how today, of all days, my
******* birthday, i end up finding out the truth
behind why you isolated nathan. IT'S PRETTY
******* FUNNY HEARING I'M ANNOYING
FROM YOU, YOU ******* *****. GO DIE.
and i hope you succumb to the scars i left on you.
6.5.15: FINALLY. YOU SEE EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.
I HOPE YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,
BECAUSE AS A PEACEKEEPER, YOU COULDN'T
EVEN KEEP THE PEACE BETWEEN US. HOW SAD.
12.5.15: six months pass, my mind is on the sun and
you are the moon. there must have been a solar eclipse
event i wasn't prepared for, because that's a sign the
world is ending, and god, is my world falling apart.
6.27.16: six months pass, and my mind is set on a girl
but it's not you anymore. this was my rare blue moon
event in my life, and you didn't even give me three percent
of the full security which what she has given me.

- kra

I remember the smell of summer rain
and how thunderstorms used to help me sleep when I was young.
I remember St. Patrick’s Day
and how the grass always seemed more green than any other day of the year.
I look at pictures of my family when I was eight
and it’s a harsh truth to admit
that I don’t remember much about my parents being together.

I remember having a sense of wonder in my childhood
that now I see was so precious and rare.
If we could all have that astonishment at the little things in life as adults
the world would be a much happier place.

Colors are no longer as vibrant.
I’ve started to look into the darkest corners of my mind
and the world to find new miracles and beautiful tragedies.

Christmas used to mean love, family and comfort.
Sleeping underneath the tree, the smell of pine needles would lull me.
Nowadays, gin is as close as I get from January to November.
With each sip, it’s the bitter taste of Christmases past
and the ripe, sweet smell of nostalgia.

People walk into my life through many doors and exit unexpectedly as well.
I’m in a forest, it all looks the same.
I turn at every tree with moss
Desperately searching for something new
and the hardest part is always searching
Never knowing which path leads to demise.

The friends that I keep are the ones I hold close
Are the good ones that stick through the depths of it all.
I remember the smell of my mother’s perfume
Yet the sound of her voice becomes more distant with each passing month and year.

Saturday morning cartoons used to be enough.
This wine is my blood and my blood has boiled out.

How to define pain and how to escape the wreckage?
I used to believe that time heals but the opposite has proven itself to be true.
The more details become unclear and fuzzy,
the sharper the knife becomes.
The more it hurts with passing days.  

I once heard that mourning is like being inside of a snow globe with flurries with slick, stealthy blades that sometimes float by and sometimes cut deep with no warning.
Time sharpens the daggers and that is a truth that is time(less).
Trust meant the world and gullibility was not a death sentence.
As we age, we find new ways to cope. We get by.

My dreams have been vivid and coated in a melancholy feeling
that I can’t break no matter how hard I try.
Woken up by the drunken calls of lush fools in the grass outside of my window,
I close my eyes and try to slip back into sleep.
Meeting failure, the clock taunts by the second
Synced with the laughter of the people outside, surrounded by friends.

Some say the glass is half full, some half empty.
I say the glass is being poured to the brim, on tap.
I take comfort in the solitude I used to curse in the early hours when slumber never came.

My biggest hope,
collides with my greatest love,
what is there to cope,
when the realest thing you know,
is your greatest foe,
your greatest dream,
clashing with your greatest desire,
setting your soul on fire,
I just am split,
needing to think and sit,
voice getting low,
and them trying to make you feel like your the world,
but my world was building up to it,
bit by bit,
I have craved them,
but there is no going back,
because my heart doesnt know truth from fact,
I want to have it the most,
to beable to boast,
saying, "this is mine world and it will be greater than I could ever dream",
stuck inside which side to fight for and which side to lean,
I need to contemplate,
which one is right,
which one will be with me in the end of the night,
they have experienced the awesome bliss,
of someone that they always miss,
and I am just standing still,
what happens when you have to decide your thrill,
to decide your future on one or more,
there is no rhyme to help, no score,
so I just end up feeling sore,
and sad,
because I have to decide between a love I dont want to let go,
or a son or daughter I may never know.