I have been noticing some changes recently.
My face is rounder,
My chest has expanded and my hips have widened.
My grandmother told me that during your early teenage years you get chunkier,
Then you slim down and get “womanly” curves .
I have always had “child bearing hips”
It won’t be anything unusual.
I think that’s why I have never attracted boys my age.
They think I’m fat,
But men think I’m perfect.
They tell me about how perfectly round my hips are,
How I have the tiniest waist, and biggest back end.
They love my charisma and my personality.
They love to try to figure me out.
The change hasn’t only been in my body,
I noticed that I yearn to have a family; More than an education.
I clean all the time and worry about what color to paint the walls of my living room.
Grown up things,
I usually don’t find myself worrying about.
I refuse to let my parents pay my bills.
I notice theses changes.
I don’t worry.

L,
                   I just want you to know that I love you, I would give the sun up and live in the darkness as long as you were happy, I wait every morning to get a text or a call from you and I live for the moments when I get to see you. I know I have been acting differently and its not because of you, I was just soooo excited about having a baby with the man that I love, it broke my heart when that test came out negative. All of these things rushed through my head , about how I would never be successful at being a mom because I cant even conceive a child to begin with. I felt completely useless and I came to you for comfort and you acted like it wasn’t that big of a deal, I felt like you were do focused on being at that **** bar that you didn’t care about what was going on. I tried to tell you and you steady were telling me you were going and I wasn’t going to tell you what to do, Do you understand that when you speak I jump?  If I had told you that, you would have broke up with me because “things aren’t going to work out” A relationship is two parts to make it work, and they have to run smoothly doing the same thing. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.  I feel like you control my every move, and it is my fault for letting it happen in every relationship I have ever been in. I feel like if I give them control they will trust me, I need you to trust me without controlling me. I know I ****** up before L, and I need you to realize that was in the past, quit bringing it up, I was wrong and I admitted it and now I am ready to have a great life with you, I am not her, I wont do the same things she did. You are my future, the father of my children, the person I want to grow old with and my lover. I couldn’t ask for a better man to call mine, I don’t want our insecurities to outweigh our trust. I don’t want us to have one little argument and you decide that its not worth it, and to just give up, because I feel like that’s what you did last night, you just wanted to give up, relationships are bumpy and there is nothing we can do about it but trust each other and we will teach our children to have the same traits. I love that we have the same interest and want the same life styles , I could lay on the tail bed of a truck and watch the stars with you and just talk about our life. I know that I have no clue how to act or live like a grown woman , but its something that I am willing to learn so that we can run as a family. I want to give you everything to make you happy. I really do. You mean the world to me and I hope you know that. I want the whole world to know how much I care for you and I don’t want to ever be scared of losing you.  I will do whatever it takes to make things run smoothly for us. I love you

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have....

Keep your head up, and your heart strong.

I spend time everyday wondering if I made the right choice.
I meander through thick crowds of people
the smell of rotting flesh in the air
I shut my mind off and try to follow my heart,
I remember I don't have a heart,
I lost it with the first "Romeo"
I desperately crave a menthol cowboy killer
and a xanax.  
I look at your face and watch you sleep,
your chest rising and falling with each breath .
I lean closer and smell your scent and rub your chest.
hop up and clean the house we call "ours"
yet I feel so out of place.
I sit zoned out on the chair in the bathroom and wonder
That's all I can do, wait for my heart to catch up with my brain.

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”