i am
one
       hundred
                      percent
better than you

i do not feel sorry
in any way

when you were given
-what i tried
so hard for-
without any effort

makes me want
the gun
             to go
                     off

the tendencies creep back
like the sun at dawn-
truly numb and
passive to their cries
they fall to the cold floor
limp and dull and quiet
leaking from new orifices
and taking their light with them
while my head spins
a complicated tapestry
on a broken loom
red string
angry and burning
screaming with no end
in the dark while i
cling to fleeting feelings
and clean
the remnents of theirs
with a snap i'm sent tumbling
struggling
can't find
air water food shelter
my head pounds
my eyes ablaze
and skin tight across
my eyes and temples
when the light hits
it's over and i
awake-
numb

i ripped at my chest
nails scraping bone and muscle
picking out bundles of fat
to reach my heart

i plated it with steel
a coat of armor and arms
to prevent them from stretching
and breaking it themselves

i ripped at my scalp
drilling into my skull past fluids
and pulling out hair
to reach my mind

i shook it out and wrung it dry
before crushing it in my hands
to prevent them from whispering
and getting to me again

a horrible sinking feeling
collapsing and compressing down on me
taking away the precious air from my lungs
and from the atmosphere around me

water seeps from my eyes
ears and eyes burning from the pressure
of the sea i'm too tired to tread
and disappearing below

i jumped in to drown them
tempting the universe to smite me
and take the voices away with it
but they are the demons inside of me

they know how to swim

traverse the divide
envelope me in your arms
i crave your touch
to understand every
fold of your hands
and memorize the way
our bodies tesselate

poison me with
your smell, intoxicating
me to the abyss
i'm afraid to fall in
without you here

you
give me shivers
rolling down my spine
vertebrae to vertebrae
disconnecting what i thought i knew
about myself
from reality

you
make me think it's okay
to have a foot
on either side of the fence
even if it's worth risking
eternal damnation in hell
for fleeting happiness
on earth

you
are an adhesive enigma
to the pillar of memories
the terrible and wonderful
i'll never leave behind
even if i
want to

you
found me during
the worst points in my life
always managing to text
right when i think of you
and when i
am alone

you
untouched by my society
a gift from above
sent from my guardian angel
an amalgam
it's hard to believe if you
are real

i
am a failure.
an inconsistent outline
paper thin and withering

and she
she knows sadness
the way i know
every line from
romeo and juliet
the way i stutter
when i speak honestly

she knows depression
like  a white blank page
and no inspiration
for an artist
like a canon ball  shot
over an empty sea

i
am a failure
her cuts as deep
as the chasms beneath
what we know of the ocean
mine as shallow
as the things i think
and know of

i want to feel
the hatred
she feels when
she meets her own gaze
i want to be able
to destroy myself
with a single thought

the way i supposed
i could
but i
am a failure

it rubs the lotion on its skin
its sickly, rolling skin
my skin --
twitching with multiplication --
the cells dividing continuously

bubbling --
double, double, toil and trouble
with the ripples and waves
of a hurricanic ocean
cascading down ill fitting rocks
to crash in the flexible, formable underbelly

i will carve each digit into my skin
scar my failure into the surface
reminiscent of my tumble to the bottom
burning the memories into my flesh
never forget, never repeat

she comes from the foam
the knife from her gut
hidden in her rolling cloak
taking steps along the shore
her coral hair
catching the light of the moon

she stumbles across a bonfire
a party for a prince’s fiancee
introducing herself to the couple
the girl stares past them at the slowly tossing waves

the lead her to the castle
giving her nicer clothes, a shower
the graceful princess
her gilded gown glistening
as she teaches the beauty of the sea
to brush her hair, use a fork

she walks with them.

...

the atrocities committed
by her new family
oil in the oceans
disastrous runoff
carried by the currents
putting the sea, her sea
to a slow and painful death

at night, she crept into their chamber
her knife unsheathed
shimmering, poised above her captors
she moved to strike

stopped, by a sea witch
the cruel being smiled
her teeth, cracked and crooked shells
striking a deal:
a life for a life
the sea maiden would be turned
a daughter of triton, son of poseidon
fins instead of legs
protecting the ocean, her home

from the inside.

a phone call to a friend
threats and crying
there was no wrong here
i am not alone
us
bombarded
will hold tight

a grey, old sky
the pounding light confronts my closed eyes
uncontrollable laughter and whispering
among a group of
people
competitive kids talking trash
conforming, without knowledge or consent deep potholes in the salty road for a
big yellow bus
wipers clean the windshield
thrown to the floor;
a sparkly tin gum wrapper.
ignorance is bliss.

this morning we denied the sun
forbid apollo from trespassing
through our windows
night continued as we slept
on and on
our eyes closed in the darkness
our bodies wrapped together
and the magnificent sun
the treacherous, hateful thing
never rose

with a clatter and crash
the q-tips fall to the floor
her broken skin a pale ash
white, clammy and cold
contrasting the metallic hue
of her blood spilling down her arm
saying dearly i’ll miss you
i can’t go on like this

a beautiful diabetic girl
with so much to live for
a diamond in the rough, a pearl
among the splinters
feeling one-thousand percent alone
and done with being herself
ripping her heart to pieces shown
to absolutely no one

little does she realize
she has a cloud of support
to fall back on, her eyes
deceive her looking in the mirror
stumbling blindly around a vast
and empty ocean trying to float
every moment is her last
suspended in a single second
and her rope could twist and break
and she would be gone in a snap
when each day is a constant give-and-take
of her emotions and i
wasn’t around

you fell and i
wasn’t there
to hear it

i lived in your house
you were not my friend
you were my sister
and i didn’t know
the way you cried
the blood you shed
the thoughts that plague your head
and trouble your mind
and you trouble mine

and i’m sorry i didn’t see
we may have grown apart physically
you are and always will be
in my heart and in my soul
i’m sorry i wasn’t always there
but now i am i promise

you mean so much to me
and your ocean’s not empty
it’s filled with creatures of the sea
and the coral and the tide
an amazing unexplored wonder
20,000 leagues under

you can scratch the surface
but you’ll never destroy the beauty
underneath

the duckling was never ugly or wrong
it had forever been a swan
its agile grace a quiet blessing
saved until the unfit traits
were finally abandoned

you will shed away your tortured skin
and leave behind your mortal coils
you will mend up your ruptured heart
and heal to somewhere over the rainbow

with the burning passion
of a thousand bright suns
it’s okay to hate yourself
so long as you don’t let the light
grow cold or fade out
someday you will shine bright
your scars show you’ve
valiantly battled
the demons under your skin
so don’t forget to fight

mama said there’ll be days like this
and each day can be torture
but someday you will recover
so stay golden, ponyboy
brush the dust off
and glow