i punched the
elephant in the room
square in the face
square. in. the. face.
with all the force
i could muster
from the raw vulnerability
that pulsed through my veins

and the elephant looked
right into my eyes
baby blues with a blooming iris
freeing the seeds of thought
that had lay dormant within

yes, that elephant looked
right into my eyes
and laughed.

                                       laughed

and with its
seven foot long trunk
it ****** out
e
  v
     e r
           y   l
                  as
                       t
                                  d
                            ­          r
                                               o
                                                        p

    ­                                       of feeling
                                    emotion
             ­                passion

and left me empty.

but hey, at least the elephant left.

i thought i knew what this meant.

heaven-sent
my heart, i lent
my dreams, you bent
and molded,
a new self i had to invent
so you would be content
with the changes i underwent.

but the truth unfolded,
revealed your intent,
came and went.
to what extent
had you meant
to drag this on,
you had withdrawn
you had been gone
but you kept me pent
up in your torrent
unable to vent
until this lament.

you can't repent,
i won't relent,
you can't prevent
my resentment
towards you,
cause it's true
i was too blind
to mind
being confined and defined
by your design.

but it's true
i grew,
i bid adieu
to the girl you knew.
her time is done
cause it's begun
the end of reruns.

no longer will time be misspent.
ourselves we must reinvent.
i think you know what this meant.

Stopped up thinking about the
shoulda
coulda
woulda

I should've told you how I felt
I should've followed through with all the promises I made to myself
I should've taken more chances

I could've changed the ending to our story
I could've been thin and beautiful and full of confidence
I could've stolen that kiss when I thought I had the chance

I would've had the relationship I used to lie awake thinking about
I would've been happier and healthier and turning heads
I would've lived without the what ifs that now loom around my thoughts

but then again,
You should've told me what I meant to you before it was too late.
I could've been perfect, but it still wouldn't have been good enough for you.
I would've been caught up with someone that wasn't right for me

and that's why what I should've done isn't what I did
and how I could've been isn't what my reflection shows
because what would've been isn't the way it was supposed to be.

I would say that my heart aches for you

But Webster says to ache is to suffer from a cotinuous dull pain

The pain is continuous but it's far from dull

It's more like
A constant tingle in my toes, anxious to leap off the edge and fall with you
A rigidity in my muscles that keeps me from grabbing your waist and pulling you closer
A tossing and turning in my stomach, a stomach that doesn't understand if this feeling is reciprocated butterflies or unrequited nausea

It's more like a burning fire on my lips that can only be extinguished by the ice upon yours

baby, it's far from a dull feeling

I watch you eat up all the
Little freshman girl attention
Like the typical frat boy
I thought you weren't

And I finally understand
What it really means
To be disappointed in a person

I hate myself
For seeing the real you
This summer
And believing
You'd be the same
When we came back

I want to say I hate you for it


But I can still feel your arm
Wrapped around me
And I can still hear
The way your breathing picked up
As my fingertips traced circles
On the back of your hand
As you pulled me closer
On the last night I was home
       the last night of the summer
       and probably what will be our last night

no one wants to be
the seats at the
front of the movie theater
where you only sit
if all the other seats are taken

no one wants to be
late night television
which you only flip to
cause it's better than
infomercials on QVC

no one wants to be
that t-shirt at the bottom
of the drawer, that you
only wear because all
your other clothes are *****

no one wants to be
wanted at three AM
when you're bored
and lonely cause everyone
else is asleep

no one wants to be
used.

I like scars.

And not in the way like
I like to self injure
Or enjoy the feeling of pain

I just like having
An etched out
String of memories
On this canvas
Of a body
The canvas I can't
Take with me
When the ride is over

Might as well
Give it a good story to tell

I want to travel the world with you and see the way your eyes light up when you see how beautiful it is, and when you see it I want to feel your hand tighten around mine as if to say are you seeing this, are you! I want to travel the world with you and look back through the pictures only to find that my favorites are the candids of you with another change of scenery in the background. I want to travel the world with you and pinpoint on the map every place I fell in love with you all over again. I want our love story to go as far and wide and deep as this world will allow.


*let's get lost

i'm going to spill over one day
and i won't be able to stop it

it'll all come pouring out
down to the very last drop
forming a pool of pent up emotions
surrounding us and
soaking our sneakers

and as soon as the last drop falls
i'll freak out and
run for paper towels

but it won't be enough
because it all poured out
and you soaked it in
and that'll be it

i'll be
         e
                 m           p
                                           t
                                                            y.
­
And i'll never know until it happens
whether you'll fill me back up
or walk away from the mess

part of me wants to know which
and the other part of me doesn't want to be left empty.

reading through old bits of writings
i knew would never amount to anything
and oh, what angst

I pray
                   
                     everyday


That I [haven't] met
                                           

                   ­                         You yet

Because

[if I have]


You are          
                                                              f­  a  i  l  i n  g



       to

                           S.P.A.R.K.

                                                        my interest

The force pulling me home is stronger than
the pull of gravity at my feet.

Like the way
the negative side
is drawn to
the positive side
of a magnet;
No matter how many times
you pull them apart
No matter how far
you separate them,
eventually they're drawn
to each other again.

For years, I've told myself
I could do this on my own.
I would do this on my own.
Move half way across the world
And never blink.
But here I am, only an hour away,
and reaching the brink.
Surrounded by the creaking.

The creaking of the reel
on the fishing pole
that is my home.

I flail,
and I flail
as the tension grows harder to fight,
as the line becomes more tight.
Trying to resist
but the hook
digs deeper
in my cheek
and causes me to reach my peak,
Diminishing the belief that I wasn't weak.

And I release.

The strain becomes cooperation,
the pain becomes alleviation,
Oh, how mundane was this resignation.

Cause I know deep down
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I can't ignore
that you're only doing this
because you adore
the daughter who got a bit offshore.
You just want to measure
how much I've grown
And then toss me back
to find my own
but sometimes I'm scared to be alone.

The only reason
for my treason
revolves around the fact
that I don't think I'll go back.

The devil that you know
is better than the devil that you don't.
Stay in the boat and suffocate
never to swim again,
or be thrown back with the sharks,
where your future is up to fate.

"Life begins at the end
of your comfort zone,"
is what they taught me.
But it's the unknown
that continues to taunt me.

The thrill of never knowing what's next,
the longing for home that's given me a complex.
These are the effects
of writing your own checks
and facing shipwrecks
once you've moved on to the next
phase.

I'll have to accept that
gone are the easy days.
And there's all different ways
to get through the maze.
and no matter how far my mind strays,
a piece of my heart, it stays.
At home.

I can't figure out
The color of your eyes,
It intrigues me.
I can't figure out
What lies behind them,
It fatigues me.

Please just relieve me
And give rise
To what's behind the disguise
That perplexes me.
Please just fulfill me plea
And explain exactly
What it means
When you look at me
With those blues and greens.
I think you feel it too
But the doubt just intervenes.
And it could fall through,
The plans I thought might ensue.
Usually I can just look through
And subdue feelings like these,

But my heart can't
Ignore what it sees
And my mind can't
Deny, it agrees
That when you look at me
With those eyes
It implies
That this defies
The norm
And what underlies
Will take form.

Please just resolve
This confusion I bear.
Please just dissolve
This despair that we share.

I swear, I won't dare
Drop my feelings
If you care.
I don't mind a reroute
If this isn't what you're about.

I just can't figure you out.

Sometimes I feel like
My tongue will just roll
Out of my mouth
Onto the floor,
Exhausted from trying
To put into words
The nonsense in my brain,
And then my entire body
melts into a puddle
A puddle that evaporates
Into minuscule gas particles
that fill the air
And create a vibe,
An understanding,
The aura of my feelings,
So my tongue can
Finally have a break