I guess, it's selfish:
Not going back where it first began.

So I shoot blindly, in the dark,
Hoping that anyone would remember.

I have never been complete,
But i feel like a part of home is here.

Fazed;

Blacked out.

Woke up with scars,

Left from mindless spurs.

Yet blamed.

Though it is my fault.

I still don't know why I do this.

Now I'm just dragging other people down.

I try to make up for it;

The more I do the more I'll drag others deeper.

The more I become honest the more I destroy.

Erratic slashing,

Woken up by a stinging pain,

A nostalgic feeling.

Blacked out.

*Fazed.

06/06/17

I was forced to sit and watch;
As they spit the flames they bring about;
I was forced to sit and watch
As those I knew turn anew;
Seemingly void of the past that held them back;
Seemingly void of me.
Maybe it's an omen;
That people are better without me;
As they spit the flames they bring about;
I burn.
In jealousy.
In regret.
**In sadness.

It's a ******* understatement

*When you feel ****** all day and "it's just a phase."

I'm here again,

It's me.

Again with many words,

Few messages.

A voice so loud,

Yet inaudible;

A resolve so strong,

Yet so spineless.

Again I'm overthrown by my weakness,

Again I turn to my drugs.

I wish that'd be the worse part of it all.

I lay at the couch half-sleeping, half-awake,

I lay my head down, I lay as my body ache,

I lay down and to there I see

A hand pulling mine;

Thrashed to the lobby.

Found me at the bathroom,

Still with breath cut short,

Left to me was rapport I hope so much to abort;

Body left helpless, body failed a last resort.

Now I write, barely sleeping, barely awake,

Life threw with everything at stake;

I can never unfeel the unspeakable things you've done,

I can never remove the handprints you have left upon me;

I can never undo the chaos you have left to run,

I will never forgive how you moved me.

Breath cut short,

Innocence left shorter.

Once. More.

I've cut before,
I'd really not want to make a statement;
But I just couldn't take it anymore,
I can't hide behind it!

Cut; bleed; repeat.

Wandering, wandering,
I should be doing something awfully important.
**But, here I am, writing words that seem to instantly come out of my head.

I know that what I wish for us is wrong

The boy who lost his voice,
The entity that camouflages in glamour,
The man who lives in vincible ignorance
The one who stood when all was shattered;
*No one would really know.

Steadily functional,
Kept together everything else.
Needed not any appraisal,
Silenced the clanging bells.

Connecting one to the other,
Correlating unfamiliar vices;
Like clearing murky water,
Like fleshing out carcasses.

Tells the truth and nothing more,
Never meant to show;
But still you didn't connect us;
*You just loosened and let go.

I knew who they were;
They were my friends, the people who saw me through.
They knew who I was;
I was the one who held a smile 24/7.





























































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Now the air blew differently.


















































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­























As if I never met them


























































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­



















*As if I never knew me.

I stare at the luminescent screen
Thinking about you;
I stare as my fingers conjure up these words;
These words I make for you.
You'll never know it was yours to take,
As I'll never say those three words:
I,love,you.
All it takes for me
Is to see you happy;
And that alone is enough.
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**Even if you'd be happy with somebody else

Listening to my own noise;

Foolish.

Craving help,

Yet never asking.

As I see your world;

I might just stain it,

Take away time and waste it.

I'm being left behind;

It ain't your fault.

Don't bother.

I'm not worth anything, anyway.

With hapless weight at the other end of the chain,

Fallen down,* forgotten.

**It would be nice if it was at least remembered.

what transpires here
are things that have just arrived;
none of them kept baggage,
or maybe some.

might i be given
the benefit of the doubt?
why must i still hear
the very same demons?

saying too much
or too little;
or both,
different on each ear;

why must the dark
feel like soothe,
when those who i call home
fear it?

maybe time will yield,
and to good things, tell;
what there is to triumph,
what stars are there to align.

Too much happiness
Can
          lead
you
          astray.

Too much love
Can                    make                     you                    *vulnerable.

Too much pain
Can









leave








you








Spaced-









­Out.*

Too much everything
Can lead you -

When all that's left of me are placeholders and labels,
Will you still look at me the same?
When all I've held on chooses to let me go,
Will you lend me your hand?
When everyone turns their backs,
Would you choose to stay beside me?
When I take my last breath,
Would you see me go?
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**Even though I know you would never.

I am lost
Nothing I feel is right
'Cause it has always been like this
Overtalk to nothing
Mope until my guts turn inside-out
Play with my head and poison my thoughts
Reminisce the good that did or did not happen*
Even the **** I gave and spoke of
Hell would be an appropriate term
Ending the questions I have to endure
Nightmares would be just as fun
Seeing in my sleep as Fantasy would
I've seen a lot
Bore too many
Loved too hard
*Ended in a crash

The grief of the soulless
Comes out and about;
As the fluttering butterfly leaves their wings,
And reverts to a caterpillar.
The scorn of the soulless
Flails their meaningless hope
As the light shines through another.
As they are blinded by the falseness of themselves.

I've always wanted you to love me,
Then I realized you'll never love me back.
Then again I tried to take hold of senseless hope;*
Then it came and I realized what I lack.

We talk a bit,
And then we stopped.
We glanced a bit,
And now it's done.
So much lost in so little time;
So much yearning
For someone I can't call mine.
Retracting back to fallacies;
Fallacies of one in blind love;
Love seen through a one-sided mirror,
Unbeknownst of what the other side may be.

We sat beside,
And now we're apart.
It felt so close,
And now it is so afar.
Too much for making a reel
Of something that'll never be real;
Or the fact that I still hold on to;
That there still may be a chance;
A chance to be the one to hold your hand;
Unbeknownst if you would hold another.

It felt like nothing;
And now it is pain;
At first it felt like sunrise;
Now I feel as cold as rain.
Too much for expecting
For something to happen
And now it's all gone to ****.
**I wonder if I was wrong to take that step.

Sing;

Your words that seem to flutter;

Sing;

Your tune that seem to falter.


Do you really deserve to feel that bad?

Do you really deserve to be that selfless?

You're too good.

I hear your song.

Faint but not silent.

Cathartic but calm.

You don't have to whisper everything.


Sing;

Your words that scream your truth;

Sing;

The tune that never falters.

Red ribbons.
Such as my thread of fate is malleable,
They toy with it.
Twist and bend and cut,
To their desire;
Without consideration of me;
Or what I would feel.
To them, I am obsolete.
To truth, I am obsolete.
I cannot be saved.
I have accepted that fact.
All that's left of me is to suffer.
Good riddance.

What they are is unbeknownst to me.
What I am is unbeknownst to them.
They do not see the sadness beyond the smiles.
They do not see the broken soul inside;
And I ponder, it is for the best.

"What makes you think I'm so special?"

If I could sail the stars,
I'll take you with me;
If I could get the world's fortune,
I'd give it to you, too.
*Too bad—

Is it that unacceptable for a beast to love,
A creature more majestic than it is?
A creature more accepted than it is?
A creature better than it is?

Is it that ironic that I still want you,
Even though it hurts so much;
So much to just think of you,
And everything good that'll never happen?

Is it that hurtful to love,
Love so much that you can't put anyone above them;
Love so much that you sleep to the thought of them,
Love so much that you can't?

Is it really that easy to let go,
When you hold on so many memories,
When you're inches away yet feel a thousand miles apart,
When you never found out how much you are to them?
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Oh, my bad.
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*You're too busy loving someone else.

I never got to say goodbye,
I never got to close the lie;
I never backed down from the high
I never said we didn't fly.

I'm sorry if you'd feel offended,
It's my fault that you're tormented,
Our bond became distorted,
Our spark abruptly ended.

You never said that four-letter word,
Neither did I, but from another, you've heard,
My heart of paper suddenly burned;
I know I've left you quite disturbed.

I wrote these words without the tears;
I've ran out of them, thinking of the fears;
The fears that left me stumbling here,
That what little love will suddenly sear.

My heart feels cold;
I've got no one to hold;
Our emptiness will mold;
In my heart, numbness, behold.

This words will stream endlessly,
So I'd cut my pen abruptly;
It's fine: You've left me lonely;
It's fine cause you're left happy.

I know I shouldn't expect,

*But we're just an hour apart.

Awoken by the voices

That echo in his head;

He falls to the gravity of his thoughts

Nothing more than a temporal predicament;

A case of misfortune

That felt like a void awakening inside me;

So strange

Yet so familiar;

Nothing more than someone I knew

Trying to be a new person

I feel hopeless
All the things they say seem to have no effect;
What was rotten can never be fixed;
What was shattered can never be reshaped.
The wound cannot be closed;
It bleeds.
As the ruby-red blood drips from my body;
I freeze.*
In scorn

I was too used to being silenced that I don't have my own voice anymore

Poor little sullen boy,
Too old to play with his sullen toys,
Everyone thinks you're harmless,
Treating you sick and senseless.
Poor kid always took jokes,
Stabs more than they are pokes,
Can't look anymore in the mirror,
Can't stand to see and hear the horror.
Get the knife that uncle brought home,
Cut that horible stomach-dome,
Cut a smile on my pale lips,
Let blood drip on my fingertips.
Feel still that I am not offended
Realize too late to have me tormented;
Laugh at me with all your ideals
Don't see me cry with my ordeals.
Get the knife that uncle brought home,
Cut that horrible stomach-dome,
Now see in me that perfection is pain,
Now see in me that acceptance is vain.

Don't try and question me when I start to get cold over you;
I started doing so by the time you said I was the one;
*And you lied.

I regret giving it everything I am.
I regret giving up everything they ought to be.
I regret the blades that passed my wrists;
But then, it's part of life, isn't it?
To destroy what you can.

You know you kind of have a problem

When you search the dictionary for words

Slowly dripping,

Your crocodile tears of love.

You don't need to say you love me;

I know of the things you have done.

Don't cry in front of me,

Because I know what curses you say to me behind those eyes.

Don't ever try to win me back again,

*You'll just end up in an endless cycle of games.

I tried to make poetry,
But I'm bothered by how idiotic I was;
You tried to help me, I just shut down,
*Now I just have this four-lined ****** apology.

The acclaimed Hierophant speaks at his sleep,
His words of tongue much ******,
*Than the truth that abides his fiendish reality.

I feel comfort most of people far away;
With everything standing as an obstacle;
Yet it is what it is; they stand me up
*And make me filled with words far too kind.

Make a whole **** lot good, everybody'll praise;
Make one bad and all hell'll break loose.
Be what they want, everybody'll be dazzled;
Be who you are, and hell'll break loose.
(At least that's how it was for me.)

Cut; bleed; die.
Hurt; speak; silence.
Think; select; analyze.
Not all words you say are heard by them.
(At least that's how it is for me.)

It's funny how all these happen;
They all feel correlated;
As all look down on me
And feast on my insecurities and weaknesses.
(How quaint.)

Making words has never been so fulfilling;
As false accusations are made against those depressed;
You're just going another phase;
Well to that, I say:* How dumb of them!
*Not everything you say is right!

I think I pushed the wrong buttons;

Now we can't talk.

I think I tripped on the wire;

Now everything I say can't get to you;

It seems that I'm the only one who knows;

And I'm the only one who's hurting, too.

I guess I 'm much of a klutz, aren't I?

I guess if you knew,

You'd say it's pointless to overthink it all;

But I guess you'd never know.

And even if you did,

*It's pointless to overthink it all.

Can't write very well because of you.
Leaped what has been leaped;
Now unsure how to get back to whence we started:
Was it truly a leap of faith?
Now you flew away,
As I see your figure in the sky;
Not that I've seen you close enough.

Strip yourself of the grandeur you demonstrate,
*I know how rotten you are already.

I'll rest my heart and lay it down
Cause nothing seems to be working
The faces I see all turn to a blur
And that's also how they see me

It should be easy letting go
Even though I'm the only one hurting;
After all I'm the only one who knows
Don't let them see how you're falling apart

Don't bother chasing what was then
If it can't remember you
Don't love when you're the only one that knew
They say that just find the truth inside you
But I can't even find me
I don't even want me

So just leave me and I'll lay down
Cause it will never get working
All the people holding my past and my present
Seemed to throw it all away

Even if it's dark, try to hold the light inside you
Even when it hurts, try and let your heart grow
Even when it seems to be endless
Don't get drowned and drunk with bitter tears

Don't bother chasing what was then
Now is what will remember you
Love even when you're the only one that knew
Let them feel you
They say that just find the truth inside you
But If you can't even find you
I'll try to help you
I'll make you want you

They say that just find the truth inside you
If you can't, then I'll be the one to guide you
They say just find the truth inside you
Don't let the pitch black darkness blind you