You look into my eyes
and I allow;
Although I know through it
you look at yours;
I'm nothing but an object:
Something to get what you want.
Never the one desired.
At a loss for words,
Beaten up by distractions.
I'm tired but I can't yield;
The world never cared
for unannounced rejects
like me.
The only way I can escape
is to die.
And I can't change my mind.
I'm sorry.

I've always been lost:
In my thoughts, in actions;
So it seems, a wanderer I've been.

I've strayed no matter what be the cost,
No matter what I face, endless prosecutions;
More than meets the eye, I've seen.

A conflagration in frost,
Nothing more than a raging vexation,
Of the extreme, nowhere in between;

The words I've used, I've disgraced,
Of no form, of no beauty,
Such of that my carelessness;

Such of the wrist vandalised, razed;
As for the love turned pity;
Such for resolves, spineless;

As of the words, played,
As the truth grow vague yet dainty;
This is to the reality I digress.

The irony of the doubt
Of the one that came out of my mouth

Is that this head won't make flowers out of words
Or gardens out of stanzas;

That when these hands write or type
None would be so quite the hype,

That words would be just words:
They are, yes, but the irony is that it still hurts;

When I said I can't make more out of a word,
My head sabotaged me, albeit absurd:

I made flowers out of words
But, out of nowhere, it'd hurt me:

For the thorns of the rose I plucked,
From the garden I thrashed, crocked,

To the truth that the one I plucked the rose for
Would do none but to abhor;

Now I cry, knowing,
What the irony of the doubt would sing;

How I'm bound to fool myself with words,
And hurt by them, soon after;

How this heart would endlessly flutter
Over love that is destined to falter.

In the sea I dived in,
I feel so little;
Compared to the other fish,
Grand, and loved:
I stand in a position far from them.
The currents wash me out;
I swim a death wish.
I mistook the ocean for a sea.

I wish you could know how much I regret who I became.
Not because I'm fazed by the good sides; it's for what I want:
I want to belong.
Not a very warm thing to say but, it's what's been missing. I think.
I wish I can drown what I should've.
I wish I can be someone's best friend.
I wish I had someone to openly talk about everything.
I wish I had the heart to say no.
I wish I had courage to tell everything I feel.
Not like this.
I wish I wasn't this ******* weak.
I wish I fought when I wasn't able to.
I wish I can stop hurting myself.
I wish someone was here for me.

And although there may be people like that,
I wish I'd feel they're here.

I wish I can be okay.
But I'm not.
And I've learned I never will be.
But knowing is different from accepting.

Here it is, I'll try to write,
This blocking thought I'll try to fight;
So ****** up yet not of spite,
I'll try, even if I'm scared it won't go right.