Original Title: the Haunting
I feel lost remembering looking at you in tears
heartache at the memory
Why do I torture myself by listening to the last song
that had you sobbing
and it broke my heart to see?
I can still picture the color of the walls dark orange
the hot humid night in Honduras
on the front patio of the orphanage
I remember the morning you were laying in bed
when you told me you had had enough
We had sold or given away everything
Returning home to the States with $1000 in my bank account
Thank God, for my stepdad..still had a place to stay
Tears stream down my face
Hard to see the notepad as I write
Fuck.
I look up at the sky..first full moon night
Who, exactly up there decide I should be born human?
I thought you were supposed to be a Good God...
What curse did I deserve for you to let me feel this pain?
In the background:
Roette: "Yeah, it must have been love but it's over now.
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows."
and yes the wind blows...well more like it sucks!
Broken, did i break you?
Was I so cruel?
Never meant to hurt you but the road to hell is paved with good intentions
Was it my silence or..
the burning lust I could never quell
..which I wonder at times if it will not lead me to hell...
and worse to a hypocritical Christian..the judgement on those who know the truth
is much more severe than those who have not heard.
Martika sings in the background:
"when you tear temptation call..
it's your heart that takes the fall"
The irony of it is
it started as a dream for us
one to share for the rest of our lives
I cared about you...listened to you
You were there to hold me in my dark moments
wipe away the tears
We danced, we had fun...
Years later when you were telling me how much I had changed...
you reminded me that when we first met..I sang to you at the beach on a starry night
Trapped in the romance and I was so far gone
Funny how different we were then almost twenty years ago
You had such high hopes for me
I changed from telling you I would never darken the doorway of another church to a full-time missionary
--15 years later I realized who you needed was a man I could never be
The wolf tattoo I got after the divorce
was because I never wanted to be so nice
or vulnerable again
You were so beautiful in that wedding dress
the way your eye shone
at the moment we were happy and it all looked like a promise
It's hard lesson when heartache becomes real enough
that it is an burning ache in the center of your chest
This is an open wound
It feels like the pen should be writing gangrenous vile dark grey/green ink
as it lets the poison out
Fuck it.
Time for another toke and a sip of wine
Enough of this romantic shit
J Geils Band...singing about how love stinks..
music to my ears
Does make me wonder why
I let this internal drama play out
or worse get the better of me
And the songs go on
Brett Michaels - Love sucks
Lily Allen sings smile - along with a video of her paying some guys to beat up her boyfriend
Not entirely sure..and maybe it's because it's one of the first times I have done this
But listening to other peoples anger and misery damnably helps
--and it amuses me that she got the cheating asshole's ass kicked
Cheating is the one thing I never did
though my ex would argue the point and call porn my mistress
Strangely, I will always admire her for giving so much
and how truly she was committed
Though it stings when she said she did it for God and not me
I know how deeply I hurt her
Yet I don't know if she will ever undertand the sacrifices I made and just how hard I tried
Somehow at the moment
Getting pissed off is more fun that whiny assed bullshit
...and there's something to be said for some good weed and two buck Chuck
Love for a human (and yes there are times I wish I was an alien..god knows that is how I got treated all the way through high school)
Reminds me how you make a statue
Simply carve away all that is not the statue
So it is with us
what we must learn about love is as much what it is not
as it is what we think it is
or what we think it should be...
I so want to write something deep and profound to impress everyone
Which it is the best time the write the last line and to...
STOP