it's so tiring,
this back and forth in my brain.
i want to be better.
i want to be content
just as i am.
i want to be able to exhale,
relax
and shut out the voices that tell me otherwise.
but they overpower me.
_"my stomach looks good today",_
_"my legs aren't huge",_
_"i'm not ugly",_
i try to say as my hands tell a different story.
grabbing at fat and skin,
trying to find any imperfection to prove me wrong.
and this is where the confusion starts:
looking in the mirror.
what do i look like?
how should i feel?
am i actually fat?
am i deluded to think i might not be?
i have no idea the answer to any of those questions
and millions just like them scream at me.
every minute.
every day.
if i am fat,
should i be trying to lose weight?
or should i try to accept how i look?
i try to be better,
to cope,
but i don't know which voice is right.
i don't know who to listen to.
and i'm trapped in this in between.
it's ******* exhausting so someone just tell me what to do
May 20, 2020
May 20, 2020 at 8:20 AM UTC
it's so tiring,
this back and forth in my brain.
i want to be better.
i want to be content
just as i am.
i want to be able to exhale,
relax
and shut out the voices that tell me otherwise.
but they overpower me.
_"my stomach looks good today",_
_"my legs aren't huge",_
_"i'm not ugly",_
i try to say as my hands tell a different story.
grabbing at fat and skin,
trying to find any imperfection to prove me wrong.
and this is where the confusion starts:
looking in the mirror.
what do i look like?
how should i feel?
am i actually fat?
am i deluded to think i might not be?
i have no idea the answer to any of those questions
and millions just like them scream at me.
every minute.
every day.
if i am fat,
should i be trying to lose weight?
or should i try to accept how i look?
i try to be better,
to cope,
but i don't know which voice is right.
i don't know who to listen to.
and i'm trapped in this in between.
it's ******* exhausting so someone just tell me what to do
I needed to get these thoughts out of my head and onto a page
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